I Could Never Be Your Woman script

Pretty impressive..... huh!

People tend to think of me as that environmental ...nut!

But whenever I get down to work they say...

"Mother nature you are such a destructive bitch!"

Well, what you see is disaster

I see as laying the groundwork for the next generation.

You have to grow the new food, for the new animals

The big ones eat the small ones, and on top of the food chain are the humans.

Who used to be very grateful.

And it was good working just fine.

Until one self centered generation came along.

The baby-boomers.

And these pampered postwar pinheads

Thought that they could just breeze through life

do what every the hell they wanted.

For instance...

When the men would normally go to war.

You know all the male aggression servers a purpose.

It keeps the herd strong.

But these guys said "I don't like this particular war."

"I think I'll stay home."

And when it was time for the woman to stop jerkin' around and

start having babies they said

"We want to get our careers going first babies can wait till later."

They grew up to be obsessed with money

and accumulated useless possessions.

Did they care that they were depleting natural resources,

and polluting the water, and ripping holes in the frickin' sky!

But I've got them now.

Oh yes, yes, yes. Because now, now...

They going to get old.

There not going they to like it.

There going to be "Oh, I don't want to waddle."

Their taking bits of their ass their putting it in their face.

This is not natural. It's not natural.

And their going to say, "Oh no, no, see, we do not want to get old. No.

We want to stay young forever. Forever and ever."

You know what I'm going to say to them? You know what I say to them?

Tough SHIT!

Here's a pal of mine in her 40's,

trying to moisturize her way back to her way back to 30.

But unfortunately her ex-husband found him self a wife in her 20's.

- Hi Mom! - Where were you guys?

We went all the way to Malibu and dropped Sara off at Gail's house.

And then went to Beverly Hills to drop off Glen.

But they said they'd rather have their own kids.

Yeah, I forgot which kid went with which one.

How 'bout oldest kid with oldest Mom and work down from there.

What happened to your head?

Oh, I had to have some plugs removed

because the hairs were growing into my head instead of out of it.

Where you go with that?

What?

Oh I... This is mine I got it in Pasadena.

And you didn't have your wallet, as usual, so I bought it.

Because I was wearing sweatpants. I don't have pockets.

For someone who never exercises you're always in sweatsuits.

Like wearing workout cloths will make you in shape.

Well do you think wearing "Doc Martins" will make you a teenager?

I don't know. Do you think wearing you're hat backwards

will make you look more mature?

Well do you think wearing a sleeveless

t-shirt makes you look like a big bull-dike?

Izzie says you've just been writing all weekend?

No dates?

No prospects on the horizon?

No

Oh Rosie you've got to get over me.

I'm only human.

You know what Rosie,

you shouldn't be alone. I'm going to fix you up with somebody.

- You've kept your looks. - Thanks.

Ma, he got the "Welcome Back Kotter" game.

- Lindsay I love you. - Oh thank you Orlando.

Hey, you said you loved me!

He never said that!

And wearing a wedding dress isn't going to change his mind.

But you do! I know you do!

Orlando let's go to the beach.

Hey! Get away, He's mine

He said you have an ugly body.

It's exactly the same as yours. And that dress is so ghetto.

What's that mean?

Oh well in school if something's cheesy we called it ghetto.

But honey, that's like making fun of the under-privileged.

Like you know, naming ugly cloths after their neighborhood.

I didn't make it up.

Leaves my man alone!

I think you're really nice. You want to go swim?

Why's she suddenly so happy?

She is manic-depressive.

Hey Ma, how do you know when it's true love?

Usually you make the music louder, and you can move in on them.

Or some times they look up in slow motion.

No on TV, in real life.

Real life?

Izz, why is there a Ken doll in the heat vent?

Remember when you had Alzheimer's and you wandered off.

You know I'm starting to not care so much about Barbies.

But she's just getting her life together.

She's got a jeep, she's got a horse, a recording studio.

Yeah, but you know, it's make believe it's not satisfying.

Doggin' me all week dog.

Doggin' me all week dude.

Brother... Gee...

- Izzie? - What?

Do people still say Gee?

Sure today I said, "Gee, I can't wait for lunch."

Dog don't go fronting like you didn't blow on your cheddar

smokes so you can roll with Flynn and his peeps.

You know he just playin' you.

I think you really need to step off that.

Just remember me and Ross are your real blood.

We don't have to smoke mad trees to think you all that.

Wait!

You're right. I been trippin'.

You know there's no one I'd rather roll with.

Cut! Great!

Was there too much slang, you know, for the emotion?

I liked that bit about smoking the mad trees.

You were good. You gave me allot.

You were good. You gave him allot.

It's really coming out.

- So good. - Hey hey, drop off your phones.

- Marty, need Rosie. - Wow.

You got it.

This is so cute. Where did you get this?

Sorry Rosie, president of comedy needs to see you.

- Oh, OK. - Bye. Bye

Hey, let's go find Mommy.

Bowling is so 8-1-8.

And these balls are so heavy.

- There. - Where?

The balls are so heavy?

Yeah well their bowling balls.

- It's an innuendo. - Oh, come...

It implies she holds men's testicles.

And rolls them down a wooden lane.

- Ah just loose her. - It's Jeannie my secretary.

- She'll be heartbroken. - That's it for me.

They make much dirtier jokes on "Will And Grace" and "Housewives".

You never stand up to him.

It's all a game.

Are you developing another talent contest show?

Where?

New faces of 2006.

Oh, that's my plastic surgery show.

You know it's amazing what they can suck out.

He get's his eyes done, marries a 28 year old and you know,

he thinks he's suddenly turned into a young hipster.

Well, and you think maintaining your high school weight makes you a cheerleader.

Your both wrong.

You can jump and peel and nip and tuck but your insides are still rotting away.

Hey, there's something new to makeover.

Internal organs.

Yeah, you can have a liver lift.

Hey, a pancreatic resurfacing or a colon peel.

Yeah, botox you're ovaries baby. Then you'll look young in your x-rays.

He's at Lakers games with Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake.

He's trout fishing with Norm MacDonald.

I am the one behind closed doors all afternoon and who have I met?

Yeah I thought that meant secrets from his wife, not the whole town.

I'll talk to you later Ma.

Anyone call?

Look what I made of Brianna.

I already did Sean. It's hilarious.

Uh, we had to make some changes to this weeks episode.

Your line in the bowling alley was cut.

Oh... You have to do what's better for the show.

It was the censor. He thought you were too y.

- I'm sorry. - That's fine. Forget it.

Ok. All right, well I'm going to go get Izz, if anyone needs me I'm on my cell.

Sure.

- You go girl. - Hey, is Rosie there?

No you just missed her.

She had and emergency botox appointment.

You are bad.

No Izzie, don't hover over Dylan. Do something else.

- Hi Britney. - That's it, talk to the girls not him.

Bitches!

No. No no no no.

Izz!

- Bye Dylan. - Yeah.

Hey!

- Ma, you know what happened today? - What?

I went to the bathroom and there was this brownish spot,

but it wasn't from you know where.

Honey, that is your period.

Oh congratulations, your... your a woman!

Let the game begin!

Ma what's is better? Maxi with wings for extra protection,

or absorbent dry and bulge your pants?

How many light days are there?

Honey, you do not need all this.

- Can I have a Twix bar? - Yeah.

Ops, I got a career...

by shaking my rear, and making guys leer.

Oh baby baby. Ops I'm going to sing more,

and dance like a whore.

I'm just not talented.

Izz, look what I found.

They gave us these in the sixth grade.

See...

It's Mindy Menstruation.

Here she is staying clean. And here she is eating right.

Oh, I like her hair better here.

With her Modes pads, nobody knows about the gusher between her legs.

When can I have ?

Uh uh.... When you?get your masters degree.

No, come on, really.

When you go to college. Eighteen.

Ma fifteen.

No way!

Maybe... seventeen.

Ma fifteen is the new seventeen.

Tonight, Yomena faces a personal crisis

on a very special "You Go Girl" that teens should watch with their parents.

Quick, call your mom.

Izzie!

It's not the music. It's driving me crazy.

- It's "Apes Escapes." - Ma it's Dylan's favorite game.

I have to get good at it so we will have something in common.

Oh, sounds like a firm basis for a relationship.

- Now I'll walk you home. - I have to sleep over.

My father's shooting the country music awards tonight.

Just do something quiet so Izz can finish her homework.

How the hell do you drop two points from the "Candy Strippers"?

From now on no more issues.

No drugs, no teen pregnancies, no homouals.

What about the same prom date?

Oh yeck! No homo stuff!

Except maybe an occasional lesbian kiss.

But no eating disorders, no racial strife.

Come on, let's get on it. No more janky shows.

Never heard that word did ya'?

We hired this consulting team the next thing they tell us

all the hot new trends.

Ok, we drop the prom, we move up. Boys make over the nerdy guy...

No. No, that was just a backup script.

- Make overs are big. - Make overs are so played out.

Plastic surgery makeovers, uh...

queer makeovers, straight make overs, house makeovers,

car makeovers there's nothing more to say about it.

You can do it.

Let us make this show cronk.

Groove.

Oh, and while we're in full comunicado

I want you to incorporate these into the show.

We just covered there phones with matching jewels.

These are the cool new ones.

I read in Newsweek where kids text message more than talk.

- Is that a fact. - Indeed.

Oh and put in that stuff where they write "L" and "8".

That's how they say later.

I never seen so many nerds in one place.

Not since the last writers guild awards.

This is Mulersfeild. We're going to start with the wedgie scene.

Maybe you did give me a wedgie,

and sure my head is no stranger to the raging waters of the third floor toilets.

But one day...

She be like ten, fifteen years from now...

Maybe you did give me a wedgie and... Snap!

and sure my head is no stranger to the raging waters of the...

of the third floor bathroom.

(Both) Thank you so much, that was great.

I have to rewrite this scene. I mean they can't all be this bad.

What about that guy Chad?

Maybe if we called him back with some notes?

Let me just try one thing.

- This is Adam. - No wait. Give me a sec...

How it did that?

We'll start with the wedgie scene. It's on page six.

I hope you're proud of your self.

I hope you have a real feeling of accomplishment.

Because one day, and you know what it might not be in high school.

It might not even be the near future.

But one day you're going to open a newspaper,

or you're going to turn on the television,

and you're going to see that I or...

some other dungeon master that you bullied,

has done something truly spectacular.

And as you're putting on you're...

name badge from Pretzel Time you'll say,

"Wow, I really wish that I was nice to that guy."

Because you're laugh now.

You say digital wedgies are a way of the future.

Well OK, I have one of those wedgies right now, in my pants.

But you, have a much deeper darker wedgie...

on you're soul.

That's what I meant.

- Very nice, we will be looking at you. - That's OK?

Thank you so much, that was great!

- Adam that was great. - Thank you very much we'll be in touch.

Very good. Thank you.

There is some more to see tomorrow.

Yeah, and his agent to see if he's an asshole.

Yeah.

Don't even think about it.

- Ready for the test? - Yeah.

You know what Dylan did yesterday?

He took a tampon out of Gabby's backpack

and stuck it in his mouth and it go real big from his spit.

I've been seriously underestimating him.

- Ya had to be there. - Yeah.

Back to math. What is pi?

- Three... - Three...

-Three point... -Three point...

Three point one four. You knew it last night.

Yeah. OK. See ya.

3.14 pi not forget!

I was hilarious.

But Brianna kept telling me to be ier,

and she'd screw up her line if I didn't do it that way but she knew it'd get cut.

Yeah I get paid. So what?

It's not just the money Ma.

I'll call you back.

Hi. Is Rosie here?

She's getting her hair colored.

She told me to pick up a schedule.

Hold on.

Booya! Nothing but net!

Big boys know other ways to score.

- Taylor, where's Bree? - Aren't we doing her wardrobe now?

We're missing our lunch for her fitting, and she's standing us up again.

I'm sorry but I am not kissing Brianna's ass any more.

Speaking which, a little lipo would help me with those shorter skirts.

What are you nuts? She's got a perfect body.

Oh... Cottage cheese with your bagel?

And when was the last time we got a magazine cover?

Lindsey, Paris, the girls of the teen bath. That's all I'm saying.

Well you're nuts. That's all I'm saying.

Oh!

Eh, well... Well you gotta remember the attitude. Hum?

No, no no no no. Let's not put him in what the other guys like.

It should be what he looks good in.

Find a shirt that brings out the green in his eyes and um...

Give the jacket and pants the same color to make him thinner.

I don't like the way that sign light is. Look at what it's doing to the skin.

What about the bags under his eyes. He looks like he hasn't slept in a week.

No no, we can't use this lens. Nothing wider than a 40.

Yeah, look at the nose.

Oh my god.

Oh my god I'm beautiful.

I am beautiful.

Actually well I'm um... You're really good.

It wasn't that tough.

Oh come on. I've never thought of myself as good looking.

Why not?

Girls never made me feel cute.

I used to have to make them laugh to get their attention.

Wait a second.

You used comedy as a cover for feelings of inadequacy.

You might be on to something there.

Wait a minute.

What?

You're really beautiful.

All right now let's do you.

Why is it that I have to get painted and plucked

and you don't even have to comb you're hair?

How does one achieve this look?

Egg-beater.

Oh well... I'll see what I can do but I can't work miracles.

Rosie?

Excuse me.

Adam, Brianna.

- Adam is in next weeks episode. - Yeah. Hi.

Hi.

I see you later.

OK.

You know Taylor said things about me.

You know I can't arrive at 7 a.m. for makeup,

do a full day of work, then go off to a wardrobe fitting,

learn my lines, and still look 16.

I just can't do it.

It's OK.

You know everyone want's a piece of me.

There's just so much I can give.

Bree, if you promise to stop the yo-yo dieting,

we can make a mannequin and you don't have to do the fittings.

Thanks.

I just know when I'm this tired I can't do my best work.

Well nobody wants that.

- Honey you're just tired. - Yeah.

- Guess what? - What?

The life is good.

I know what you mean.

Can I have "Lucky Charms"? There magically delicious.

Technically it's not really magic, it's sugar.

You know what happened today?

Me, Melanie and Zack are planning to see the new Adam Sandler on Wednesday,

and Zack ask Dylan to come and he said OK.

And then Zack said I'll be with Melanie and you'll be with Izzie.

- And you know what Dylan said? - What.

- He said, "I guess". - You're kidding.

Izz, you still have shampoo.

But this is "Suave"

for the same luxurious hair as "Panteen" at half the price.

When you put it like that.

I can't believe you're going on a group date with a boy you like.

Oh don't worry Ma, it's strictly platatonic.

Hey, check it out.

Shit's real.

- One of the SAT's dropping I think. - Oh, OK.

Yeah it will be better.

Scene twelve. Taking one.

Ahhh!

Who put this ketchup there?

- I got action Johnny. - And action.

- Ready. - Action.

I need to know what your doing for the talent contest.

- You like him. - What are you talking about?

- What are you doing? - Brianna.

Some kind of second city stuff? I've already learned my lines.

I'll keep your cues exactly the same.

I don't who's lines in any way.

- Just great. - Bree.

Hey hey, drop off your phones.

I know you don't like thinking about ratings but we're in deep shit.

Now this guy could turn out to be the next Ben Stiller.

You never know. And, you know...

it wouldn't hurt for you to have a good relationship with him.

OK we're back.

Thanks.

So Monty said we're work till like eight.

Probably. Yeah, I'm getting my tin coming back.

Does your husband mind you uh... working so late?

I'm not married.

Ty your boyfriend?

No. No boyfriend.

So you have to pick out music for the show right?

Uh, me and the music supervisor.

Cus this guy, who used to be my roommate, is playing in a band on Friday night,

and I figured since you have to do that kind of thing anyway,

- that maybe you'd uh... - Can I uh... ask you something?

Yeah.

Well most of the students in the show have wives and kids and homes and so...

Well you know, they're not exactly teenagers.

And you have the job so it doesn't matter. But how old are you?

Really.

Really?

I'm like uh... 32.

Why? How old are you?

- 37. - You're a kid.

So what do you say?

Ok

- Friday? - All right.

It's at Sullivans which is you know, kind of a dive but,

um, Lindsay stabbed um, Hillary there. I think.

Or no Mary-Kate may uh... happened... Ashley...

- I don't know. It's kind of cool. - It sounds lovely.

Sullivans. Yeah it's just above the palace.

Oh yeah....

Oh yeah, you know where that is.

But I can pick you up.

- Great! - Yeah? OK.

At around 9:00?

- All right. - OK.

Look where you're go!

- Sorry. - That's all right. I...

Oh my God, how much do we love this?

-Take it to my trailer. - Thank you.

I'll see ya!

All right, so he's a little younger. It would be fine if I was a man.

Why can't you copy the smart things men do and not the idiot things?

Izz!?

What did I tell you about jumping on beds?

- Only in hotels and Daddy's house. -That's right. So...

Tell be about school.

Well me and Melanie had this idea today,

that we'd ask Page to talk to Colin since he's Dylan's best friend.

And Colin would tell Dylan that I like him and see what he says.

No no no! Don't let him know that you like him.

Act like you don't know he's alive.

Look busy all the time. You have to behave like you couldn't care less.

Hello?

Are you happy with you're long distance service?

I'm learning allot about playing it cool.

- What do you think? - I like it.

But look what happens when I do this.

Then do not do that.

- Oh, wow. A kid. - Yes I am.

You guys pretty cool right?

Can I get you a beverage?

Thank you.

- Hey! - That was a present. From Drew Carey.

Oh, that's very thoughtful.

Ugh! yecka.

Hey Zoloft. Your Mom and I take the same medication.

Sounds like a firm basis for a relationship.

I was in the middle of playing "Apes Escape" if you'd care to join me.

Hey do you know the secret to get to the next level?

There's a secret?

Can you show me?

Oh all right.

Izzie please! Shut those apes off. I can't stand that stupid music.

Ma, I've reached new heights!

Wow!

Shit.

Thanks.

You look cold.

- Oh no, well be in side in just a.... - Here.

OK.

Can I see some ID?

Excuse me.

- Oh, you'll be the oldest one in there. - I can deal.

Wouldn't you rather be at home in a nice hot bath

reading an informative article on Bolaws?

Fine. You look ridiculous.

They let her in?

Yes my dear all your cloths are vintage.

What is that cute guy dating his Mom?

- You want a drink? - What?

I'm going to get a beer. You want something?

Nothing.

You look like you need a drink.

Oh, I do?

Let me guess uh... Apple martini right?

I'm sorry I can't hear you.

What's up?

Want to dance?

But no one else is.

- Then we'll be the best one. - I couldn't but don't let me stop you.

My turn to rock it.

You're nuts.

Hey it's Friday night. I got to bring my "A" game.

Quite a variety of steps you got there.

Well, two of everything I think.

I'm that good.

- Oh I got to play you something. - Oh Green Gang.

Wrong mood.

Ricky Martin?

What? That's not mine.

I'm not really 37.

- How old are you? - 38.

- I'm actually 31. - OK.

Uh... I need my keys.

I'm all right. I'm good. I got them.

Oh, I need my wallet.

- What are you doing? - Huh?

Consider this foreplay.

- What a turn on. - Yeah, I thought so.

I'm 40.

- 29. - What happened to 30?

- What happened to 39? - You're not even in your 30's.

Well neither are you.

Hey besides, you know that saying "Never trust anyone over 30."

So you can trust me.

- Hey, you look great! - Thanks.

You had what done? What'd you do?

Nothing.

Yeah, right.

Watch this. He gets the money back. He totally came up with that himself.

And look.

Look at the testing.

Boys ten to twelve 84%. Girls 92%!

We had the same numbers when Screech was a substitute teacher.

But those were "Oh oh look, it's that saved by the bell guy" numbers.

-There's my ace. -These are,

who's the new guy? Hey, I like him numbers.

The rest of the scripts are all approved.

Why do you want to start writing 3 new ones?

Because this guys funny. He's physical. He can act.

Girls will love him.

Oh at least one does.

I don't need the extra work.

I believe this kid can spin off for you.

Ok, we drop one point it's your ass.

We won't. I promise.

(Group) Fight! Fight! Fight!

(Group) Fight! Fight! Fight! - Hey!

Hey! Cut it out! Who told you to hit girls.

- She started it. - I can take him.

What was that about?

He said your Mother's show only got a 6.3 rating. And it's down the toilet.

Hey Noah, I heard Brad Pit's firing your dad's law firm.

These guys are special so they go on display.

And these go to "Good Will".

- Oh, no. - What's wrong?

They're all naked and skinny and lying in a pile.

It looks like a concentration camp. We have to dress them.

- Ma... - Please. It's depressing.

What happened at the movies?

Did Dilan put his arm around you?

No

Did you both put your arms on the arm rest together?

Well, first his arm went on it. And then I put my arm on it.

But then he took his off and sat like this.

He's not ready for girls yet.

He had a girlfriend last year.

Then he has no taste.

Ma I love him.

Ok, I'm sorry.

Izz are you sure you're done with these guys?

Yeah.

It's just so sad.

It's like when you finish a season and the actors all go away.

Want to play one last game?

Ma I'm too old for Barbies.

Yeah, but I'm not.

Ok, who should be in love with who?

Let's see.

- You're enabling. - What?

Wardrobe for the new scenes with Adam.

I am not enabling. This is rewriting. This is nice.

Thank you.

Putz, noun, a yokel a jerk.

Our Rabbi consultant said it means a penis.

We're allowed to say penis.

Yes you can say penis but this is the bad penis. Like prick.

And what exactly is the good penis?

Check it out.

Why don't I just say "He's so gay"?

That's kind of derogatory.

But everyone says it.

- Ok everybody, that's lunch. - Hey hey, drop off your phones.

No walking away with the props.

I see you.

He is an actor.

Hey, back off Miss Bulimia.

Hey Screech.

You know the buzz is Brianna want's you out.

Why?

She says you're too bry.

Me?

See I get you.

But Brianna, she doesn't like anyone

unless they make a big old stink about how gorgeous she is.

Rosie really wishes you'd, you know, flirt with her.

She hasn't said anything.

Well she can't exactly say "Go hit on Brianna."

Not after that stupid ual harassment class we had today.

Hey man, don't bogart all that doobage.

It's not pot.

- De je ton. - Je ton!

Oh je do de ton on. Oh thank heavens for the little girls.

(Babbling in fake French)

...A white Zinfandel... Hello.

What is... Wow how do you get that job?

What's this?

The way those two keep running off

the AD's thought it'd be easier to listen to where they are.

- Sounds like Adam likes Bree. - This isn't very nice.

I am so sick of reading about Meisha, and Lindsey, and Katie.

- Yeah. - Now they're all getting better parts.

Yeah.

Soon the whole yum girl faze is going to be over. And it kills me.

I mean I was a teenage girl before any of them.

- Bree, - I should be playing...

we're jumping ahead to the beach party scene.

Oh oh, I get to wear my pretty bikini.

Did I ever tell you you have the body of a 29 year old?

Oh. Really?

I hope you plan to take advantage of it.

I gotta go.

I can't let you go.

No, but I must. You have to go. Go.

But I can't do it!

But you have to go.

You have to... I can't go. But you must! All right.

Your work is bigger than the both of us.

After all the prom episode isn't going to produce it self.

I gotta go.

- All right. - We can continue this later.

- OK. - You're done for today.

Really? My car's still in the shop.

Take mine.

I'll bring it back before you leave.

OK.

You go girl.

You're suspicious, you're giggle, you're worried then you're mushie.

What an emotional roller coaster you're on.

Roller coasters are fun.

For teenagers.

- Exhilarating. - Until you get nauseous.

Can I help you?

- Just looking at the stage. - Oh well, it's in use at the moment.

Hum, OK.

Go find out who they are.

If A equals B. And B equals C plus ten.

Then C is to A...

Ok if I had my first writing job on

"Family Matters" in 1986 and he was born in...

Oh by God!

1977!? Then Urkel is to him what David Cassidy is to me.

And the dark myth Madonna is to me, what the Jewish Madonna is to him.

And if I mention something from my childhood it would be to him how

I feel about it as before I was born. Like it's ancient history!

- Ma? -Huh?

How do you make a positive number turn negative?

Take away it's Prozac and put it with a bunch of smaller numbers.

- Ow! Ow! - Oh.

Stop. stop. Let me.

- This isn't going to work. - Yeah I know.

- Let's get in the back seat. - No I mean this.

You and me.

Wow, what'd I do?

Oh no, nothing... No you're...

You're wonderful.

- We had fun, Friday? - Oh yeah. No Friday was great.

Then why?

I... Remember when we had that talk about you being 29?

I keep thinking about how...

young... that is.

I'm planning on getting older.

Yeah well, I'm not planning on getting younger.

That just means dumber.

Come on.

You just think I'm a dumb kid. Don't ya.

No. Of course not.

You're the one who's young. Young is far superior to old.

In what?

In everything.

Oh yeah?

Who's funnier, Tom Green or George Carlin?

Well that's a freak example.

You know in our society young outranks old.

Tall outranks short. Cute outranks smart.

I just...

If we got involved...

someone's going to get hurt. And...

Because I'm older...

I have to be the responsible one.

But we could still be friends.

- We can still be friends can't we? - Yeah you know I was there for you.

Matthew Perry has no sense of humor.

Ok, this one.

Hello

(Together) Ehhhhh.

No it's much slower.

Ehhhhh.

(Together) Ehhhhh.

You are so grounded.

Hello! I'm home!

What are you guys up to?

Nothing.

How come you're home so early? Where's Adam?

I decided we shouldn't go out anymore.

Why? I like him.

I'm trying to be mature.

That's not really your style.

Yeah, I know.

At what age do you stop going out on dates?

Don't be an idiot.

What? Old people don't go out on dates.

Good night.

(Together) Good night.

- Quit it. - I told her the truth.

Where's Rosie?

She's at the gynecologist.

- When's she going to be back? - I don't know.

They have to hack through all the cobwebs.

She told me to pick something up at the office, but no one's there.

Sure.

That 45 year old would love to lock me in the office while everone's on the set.

And yet you manage to show up every day. You're so brave.

For you. Rosie's decided to give you an "R".

What's an "R"?

Its what you get when you screw the producer.

- She wrote these? - Yeah.

You got three more episodes.

Since you're going to be around awhile,

why don't you and I, you know, get some coffee?

So what are you saying we can't use the "Sparkly Farbs"?

No

They can be prom phones.

- Hey! - Hi.

Oh, I see you got the new episodes.

Yep, and ah...

- I got some good news for you. - You do?

I've been doing allot of soul searching lately and...

I'm gonna to give you another shot with me.

Pretty sly Stallone.

I think you're good for the show.

You think that's what you think but really

your subconscious is finding ways to keep you with me.

I'm surprised some ivy league psyche department hasn't snatched you up.

Art with out love is nothing. Niche said that.

Oh.

I don't think Niche watch "You Go Girl".

He could have TiVoed it.

Could of.

(Indistinct)

(Oinking)

Adam likes you a lot.

Yeah, why do you think that?

He make you a music mix.

That's how boys tell you what's in their heart.

That is so adolescent.

Just listen to it.

Hey

- Uh? - Where this your car?

Ah it's at another party I'm going to.

You know that, uh, Rosie wanted to cut your scene but I told her to keep it in.

Thanks.

Hey we're here!

See. Don't we look alike.

- I don't see it. - No I can. They look a little alike.

Yeah, you can totally be his nephew.

Nephew? You mean brother.

- How old are you? - 30.

Well how old do you think I am?

49?

Yes. But how old do I look.

- Well I'd say... - Say 32 or he'll never stop.

- 32? - Thank you.

- Moisturizer. - (All) Ohhhh.

No! This stuff is impossible to clean up.

Izzie what did I say about jumping on beds.

Please don't Ma.

It took us all this time to talk Dylan into playing truth or dare

and then he started showing off. And I was afraid you'd stop him.

He was doing this to make you laugh?

- I think. - Pretty good yes?

- Is Brianna Minx here? - Not yet.

But she's coming?

- Uh, probably. - Come on.

Men.

Hey, don't go away. And all new "You Go Girl" is up next.

Quite everybody, here come my big scene.

Mr. Heart, can I have a bathroom pass?

Wow, who found that skateboard?

Yeah yeah yeah, props to props.

Good job.

Here's to you.

- Nathan. - Huh?

Put it down.

Fine. I bought it.

You didn't buy it.

See you later Adam.

Hey take it easy Terry. Good job tonight.

Ready to leaving?

- Uh, are you? - Sure.

See you later.

Well I was giving you a ride home.

Oh that's alright I already have on. Excuse me just for a second.

Leg rubber.

The cloths on the show look great.

What are you working on at the moment?

Well, I'm writing that reality show called "Assisted Living".

Takes place in an old age home.

How can it be real if you're write it?

Isn't she cute.

- Cracking show. - Good night.

Thanks Rosie.

- Thanks to come. - Good night.

Bree, excellent episode.

- I'm concerned? - Why?

I think Adam's broad humor cheapens your wonderful writing.

Thinks about it.

Good night. Nice meeting you uh...

- bat boy. - Joey.

- Now take this off. - No I feel naked.

Show some skin. He's just in there.

- My bra straps are showing. - Don't show 'em to me show them to him.

Good luck.

Here Ma.

I have receipts.

- Is Jeannie gone? - Everyone's gone.

You know what's so cool. I talked to my grandmother,

she invited over all of her neighbors, she's like the fit of the condo.

You want something to drink?

Beer.

It's weird you know, it's like one minute you're watching

Jarred lose weight eating subways

and then it's you. I don't know.

Yeah. Pretty heavy stuff.

- I don't want to wake up Izzie. - She's not here. She's with her father.

When's she coming back?

Sunday.

So we're all alone then?

Yep.

Just you and me.

Mrs. Robinson you're trying to seduce to me.

You would like me to seduce you?

Yes!

I've missed you.

I've missed you too.

You are so dead.

Nice. Lovely. Frame. Get up get up get up.

Oh yes, yes. Uh.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

(Phone rings) Don't answer that.

That's my Mom.

I'm sorry Hey Mom.

- Guess what your father did? - Yeah, look can I call you back?

Oh shit, I left my condoms in the car.

Wait here.

You know, one day frat boy here is going to want to get somebody pregnant.

So?

So by the time he's ready

you're going to be as brittle as those rice cakes you live on.

There's more to love than having babies.

- He's just using you. - That is so wrong.

He already has the job.

Let me in, I forgot my keys.

You'd loose your head if it wasn't attached.

Give this to Adam would you?

That's this?

We collected his real phone by accident.

- Tell him I'm sorry. - Ok, sure.

Well we got a 7.2 rating.

Yeah but "David Spade" got twice as much.

Yes. But you have to look at the lead in.

See, even though their numbers look higher

we went up from "Candy Strippers". So...

You understand how TV works now?

Yeah yeah yeah. Everyone love "David Spade".

Would you forget about "David Spade"? Anyway we went up 2 points.

They have to be happy about that.

What do you love most about me?

Who said I love you?

Oh come on.

I'm not saying that.

First.

- What if we tell... - Oh by God.

Weren't you on "You Go Girl" this week?

You were so funny.

Oh that scene where they teach you to dance was so funny.

Thank you.

I mean, I don't usually watch "You Go Girl".

- It's gone so down hill. - Oh I don't know about that.

But that episode, was the best in months.

Is that the check?

I can give this you?

Yeah, sure.

She was great.

Did you know Marty Green? He's president of comedy development.

Yeah I know him.

He wants me to go with him to the network on Friday.

A new show or...

I don't now.

It was so great meeting you.

I hope you don't think this is too pushy but I'd love to give you my head shot.

Uh, also I have a reel.

And I'm studying the Misner method with Jeff Goldblum.

Maybe if you can give it to the "You Go Girl" people.

Well I put my number there. Look.

Thanks.

He's had a little taste of fame and now it's time to see what it can get him.

He's not interested.

Let me show you something.

Notice the large hip to waist ratio.

That's not his type.

Fertility is everyone's type wether they realize it or not.

This butt is screaming estrogen.

Not to mention her odor and excess body hair.

Now she can starve it, she can wax it, she can deodorize it,

but he will pick up the signals.

Signals your body isn't sending. No matter how well you preserve it.

That's how it is for animals, not us.

Your hopeless!

Are these any good?

Well the coffee came really fast.

If you send $140.00

how much is the flower per pound. I don't know.

You didn't even try.

I mean, even if I get it right Mr. Skinner says

that I didn't figure it out the right way. I hate math.

If you eat 3 cookies

and 50 calorie plum and you had 140 calories

- how many in one cookie? - 30.

Right.

So why do they make it so hard?

Did Adam call? Because I think that he's coming over.

(Phone ringing)

Ma your purse is ringing.

Oh that's Adam's phone.

Hotshemama!

Is that the new "You Go Girl" poster?

No, that's Brianna in a bedroom with someone.

Well I'm not going to help you pack, so don't go there.

Someone just sent it to him.

If this was sent to the phone wouldn't it be in a...

message place? I mean, how did it get to be there when you turn it on?

How did TiVo know that you like "South Park"?

How did they get "Baby's Got Back" to be a ring tone.

I won't jump to any conclusions. I'll talk to him about it.

Honey!?

I'm home.

Alone.

Starring Macaulay Culkin

as a boy who was inadvertently left

by him self

at his house

when his parents go on vacat... What are you making.

My phone. I've been looking for...

When'd you did this?

You are right he isn't cheating!

How'd you tell?

He's not that good an actor.

Guys!

Guys, can we finish this?

What for?

So we can make the show better.

The writing's on the wall.

Come on, for the shorties.

OK, Trays band is blowing up and Yomena feels unappreciated and she says...

- Where's Rosencrantz and O'Reilly? - Mail.

They had a meeting with Marty.

And they were wearing jackets.

A network meeting?

Oh look!

I never got one of those picture tickets befo...

- It's so great your doing that. - Anything for the kids.

Hey have you and Adam been seeing each other?

No

Is this what you're wearing?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Great.

Not even just friendly, going places, driving around.

Rosie.

Hey, she's here.

You sure?

I may be a lot of things but I'm not a liar.

- Hey thank you so much for doing this. - Sure.

- TSA taking one. - Action.

I would never ever date a smoker.

- Cut. - Great check it.

Be with you in a minute.

- Cortney Love? - Drop out Hag.

Fay Dunaway?

- Don't call us we'll call you. - Sharon Stone?

Hag.

- Gena Davis? - Hag.

- Sigourney Weaver? - Hag.

- Kim Basinger? - Hag.

- Emma Thompson? - Britt hag.

- Susan Sarandon? - Richly alienated hag.

Meg Ryan?

Too much plastic surgery.

Melanie Griffith?

Way too much plastic surgery.

- Patricia Heaton? - Pointless plastic surgery.

Cher.

Insurmountable amount of plastic surgery.

Listen you little bird of a man where do you come off insulting these women?

How many good songs did you sing? How many Oscars do you have?

Could you look cute next to Warren Beatty,

or live with Don Johnson, or act with Ted Dansen?

You're not worthy of kissing Cher's tattooed ass.

He'll see ya now.

Hey you look great.

How's Lizzie?

You're asking me about my kid something must be wrong.

OK, I won't BS ya.

There's fewer and fewer spots for scripted show.

They're expensive dinosaurs. No one cares.

"Two And A Half Men"?

Older woman, the least desirable demo.

If we want the kids we gotta be cutting edge and off the chain.

That means music and cloths.

You keep lowering our budget.

Face it "You Go Girl" is...

straight played.

I'd rather tell you now since we're friends then...

So you're replacing me with a reality show.

Actually we got a sitcom for that slot.

Two hip young writers, Rosencrantz and O'Reilly,

have created a show for this hip new funny kid uh...

Oh wait you know him, Adam Pearl.

It's called "The Shizzle".

"The Shizzle"?

"The Shizzle". It mean the new cool stuff.

No, it doesn't, it means shit!

I can't say anything and you can name a show after shit!

How do you like that?

Good luck. I'm sure it'll live up to it's name.

Thanks for your support.

Rosie!

Hey Henry! ehhhh.

See? You should have been Pinkey.

Congratulations on your show. It's really funny.

- Thank you. We're having a great time. - My kid loves it too.

Oh yeah, talking about your kid...

I think she got hold of your phone book. I got some crank calls.

- You know. - What?

Yeah and, now listen, I don't mind.

But if she calls an executive with no sense of humor.

Oh my god. I am so sorry. No no no no it won't happen again.

Believe me I understand. My kids still do it and their in their 20's.

- I'm glad to see ya. - You too.

- You look great. - Thanks.

(Both) - I'm sorry. - I can't believe you did such a thing.

What were you thinking?

Nothing.

Was it just Henry Winkler? Who else did you call?

- Jerry Stiller. - No one.

Who else?

Andy Dick, Justine Bateman, Kirstie Alley, Heather Graham.

- David Hyde Pierce - Uhhuh.

- Johnny Knoxville - Right.

Mel, I think you should go home now.

I'm sorry.

This makes me look like such an idiot.

If you have someones home number

it's because they trust you to protect their privacy.

Now I look totally unprofessional.

I'm sorry.

What am I going to do with you?

You could punish to me.

Like I could write an apology to everyone I called

and not use the phone for a week.

A month.

That's excessive. Two weeks.

OK.

What's going on all of a sudden? Everyone I take care of is turning on me.

Mom, you're globalizing.

(Both) Weird subjects in this night, forces of love's pure light.

Why is it so dark in here? What...

What are you guys doing?

- Putting a spell on Dylan. - We're witches.

That's so sad.

Don't worry Ma, we're not Satan worshiping human sacrificing witches.

- We're black mini-skirt witches. - Like in "The Craft".

It's just lousy that the only way teenage girls

can feel in control is to be anorexic or witches.

How do you do this anyway?

If you want to sell in your true love

you grind coriander seeds

while you chant to light candles anointed with love oil.

Love oil?

You used canola instead.

I am hungry.

Let's get some Coco Crispies to hold us over.

You the letters right? From Zack.

Come together. Let this grinding be a tether.

Were have you been? I've been calling, e-mailing, text messaging.

I'm dying to tell you something. Marty said I should wait.

- Marty? - Yeah.

What, cause he didn't want me upset until the shows were done?

I don't know.

Unbelievable.

Hey listen...

Listen, they want me to do a mid-season pilot.

Ok, well what's that got to do with what you have to tell me?

That's it. It is what I have to tell you.

What about Brianna?

What about her?

Don't make me look like an idiot. I know what's going on.

If you guys are getting involved don't....

Don't hang around and pretend you care about me.

What? Where's this coming from?

This came in mail.

Well this is craz... Someone is obviously screwing with you.

It is what I thought.

Someone must be screwing with me by playing with your phone.

But is the department of motor vehicles screwing with me?

And is the sound department also screwing with me

when I heard you hitting on Brianna?

Hitting on Brianna! Are you smoking crack?

- You were flirting with her. - You told me to?

Why would I do that?

Because you said that she needs to think everyone's crazy about her.

I never said that.

That's not what I heard.

I knew this would happen.

You're a big shot. You're on TV.

So you want to to get back at all the females

that didn't appreciate you in high school

- so - Oh...

you have to get all the cute young girls you possibly can.

I don't want cute young girls! I want you!

- You know what I mean. - All right, get out!

I am too old for these high school dramatics.

You're the one that's acting adolescent.

- I'm upset not acting adolescent. - Hey, how you two kids getting along?

Oh God, please tell me you're wearing shorts under that.

Yes. But there just cut really high.

Dude besides I've got good legs and a great butt.

Yeah well, you know that's what everyone says.

- "There's Nathan, what an ass." - Uh hey, don't let me interrupt.

- He was just leaving. - No I wasn't.

Get out! We are done with this discussion!

You can tell when she's really angry, her voice gets all high and squeaky.

Yeah.

Look I'll admit that something sketchy's going on.

And I've never even been in a car with Brianna.

But if you don't believe me we've got serious trust issues.

Exactly! I always said that.

- What has this got to do with you? - Only everything.

This is the first guy you've dated in 10 years that I can actually hang out with.

And I do not want you making the same mistakes with him that you made with me.

I am trying to be Bruce Willisy.

Which is great because I'm trying to be Ashton.

Which in turn would make her Deme.

Yeah or Demi or Dem... no I think Dem... One which is Dem... I actually it's Dem...

- Yeah the thing is Demi. Well um... - Is she nice?

Yeah she's very nice. But I think she's a Demi.

- I don't think she cares if she's a Deme - What are you two idiots talking about!

I am not Demi! You are not Aston! And you...

are defiantly not Bruce Willis!

- See how high it gets? - Yeah.

After my bachelor party only dogs could hear.

I believe it.

Look, this is crazy all right, I'll.... Let's just calm down.

Get out! - No!

Go!

I'm g... OK, I'm going to go. But...

we're not done here. I'm going to call you.

- Hey... - No!

You were going to throw it anyway.

- Fine. - Thank you.

Izzie! Let's go honey.

No boyfriend, no job.

Just a lonely spinster with a kid. You happy now?

I'm watching, just a minute.

You know this makes allot of sense,

Mrs. Robinson is sophisticated and gorgeous.

She gives this kid the best of his life,

asks for nothing in return,

he, pulls a Soon-Ye, dumps her,

and she's supposed to be the monster.

Could you not get crumbs all over?

Why? It's not as if anybody sleeps on this side of the bed.

What's wrong?

Why does something have to be wrong?

OK.

Katy is such a bitch!

She's standing by the snack truck and she tells everyone:

"I think I'll go out with Dylan".

And she knows I love him because Colin told her.

So Melanie says "You know that Izzie likes him."

And she goes:

"Yeah, well just because Izzie likes him doesn't make them a couple."

Can you believe her?

She doesn't even like him. She's just jocking me.

What's jocking?

Copying, and don't put it in your show.

Did you tell Katy how you feel?

No.

Can I change my name to Drew?

What's wrong with Izzie?

Nothing. Could you just call me Drew from now on?

I hate this place. Why do I have to try on pants?

You can't keep wearing the same ratty jeans everyday.

Why don't we just buy them?

I don't feel like driving back and forth 1000 times exchanging them.

I look like a cow.

Does the waist fit?

- Their humongous. - I just need to see the waist size.

They don't fit.

- Their too small for me. - They look good.

- They won't close. - Oh.

- Well what's the length? - There tight Ma, forget it.

I'm to fat!

My belly is gigantic! You wouldn't understand!

You've got a flat stomach and you're pretty.

No honey, no, my face this falling down. Everything is drying out. I'm...

I'm hurdling toward Cloris Leachman.

You're young. You're like a fresh new peach.

Izzie you're beautiful. Don't you get it?

I'm not beautiful! I'm not even cute!

I'm an ugly pig!

Oooh, waggle string.

Can I have these?

Yeah.

Bet Adam sent them.

All right, what's the dealeo? Why aren't you on the set?

This is shit.

Look, you told me you'd get me the "You Go Girl" writers.

But you didn't get me Rosie.

That's a whole extra producer. I don't need that.

When I took this job you promised me the whole "You Go Girl" group.

You've got those two writers.

Yeah, but that's not the group.

That's like giving me the News minus Huey Lewis.

Look kid you are blowing a jinormous chance.

You going to give up you're big shot to be loyal to some broad?

Is that how you want to roll?

As a matter of fact Sinatra, that's exactly how I want to roll.

I'll be back when you get her.

Hey Dawson,

let me give you some advice.

You're going to want to cut those apron strings.

Otherwise you're never going to be a real man.

I don't need to be a real man. I'm an actor.

Ma?!

Hey,

don't you want to make be a high fiber breakfast?

Like you would ever eat such a thing.

Just have you're Lucky Charms.

Hello.

Hey, that's quite a Frankenstein you created there.

What are you talking about?

That Adam kid. He doesn't like the scripts. He...

doesn't take direction. They tell me he doesn't trust anyone but you.

So I'm thinking, maybe you'd like to come down

and be supervising producer on "The Shizzle."

I'm thinking... maybe not.

You're thinking maybe not?

Maybe not?!

Well I'm thinking shit!

Strutting bucks walk shoulder to shoulder sizing each other up.

While the females wait to attach themselves to the strongest males.

Bucks lock antlers in mortal combat.

Whoever is victorious will intrigante and then trick females of the herd.

The challenger leaves in humiliation without sewing his seed.

So that's how it is.

Most powerful male gets most babalusious female.

That's right.

Well what if there's a really cute male antelope

or a female that shows signs of leadership?

- Useless - Why?

Look, there's an order to this mayhem business.

Why can't we change things?

Haven't you self centered pet cloning assholes changed enough?

It's not natural.

What's so great about natural?

- What? - Think about it.

Tobacco's natural.

Prozac's unnatural. Earthquakes are natural.

Television's unnatural.

Natural sucks.

She can't seem to stay on task.

Her homework is tardy. Her language is crude.

Also, there's far too much socializing with her neighbors.

Now, I know you're a working woman.

But I was hoping for a little more discipline at home.

Well the thing is...

Izzie just got her period.

And she's had really extreme mood swings.

Believe me I'm well aware of puberty.

Well, did you know that a girls test scores

can very up to 20 points at different times in her cycle.

And not to mention the fact that even female teachers

start giving lower grades to girls as they develop.

That's preposterous! Why would teachers do such a thing?

You tell me. I mean... Well...

Why did she get this and this and this

and these three questions wrong when the answers are right?

Because she didn't show her work correctly.

But she got it right.

The standardized tests require her to get to the answer a certain way.

But her mind works a different way.

Well my job is to get the students to do well on the standardized tests.

Wouldn't it be better to encourage girls to feel good about math and science

instead of tricking them into thinking they are stupid?

I've got an idea,

why don't you teach her to stop the potty mouth

and let me teach her to take the standardized tests?

I've got a better idea.

Why don't you take the standardized tests and shove it up your ass.

Well at least I see where the language comes from.

Honey.

You're the best Mom ever.

Let's get out of here.

Young girl, wants to be a big name.

In movies they must all be the same.

She won't need to sing or to act.

Just loose all of her body fat.

And isn't it moronic.

Don't you think?

It's insane!

Izz, when ever you sing that part in the car you really belt it out.

Oh yeah, that's the screaming part but I decided to sing it regular.

How come?

Because everyone will be at the show, Dylan will be there.

So?

Sometimes I hit the not really good you know and...

But sometimes I don't and I just...

I don't want to take chances.

It doesn't matter if you hit the note or not.

As long as you just go for it.

Dive in! Balls out!

As long as you give it all you've got.

No ones going to care if it's on the...

Da the uh... The thing.

- Key? - Yeah.

And don't try to be safe.

It's insane.

That they lose so much weight.

It's young and cold, but no food on her plate.

It's a common thing

barfing up a cake.

They think they're all two

stick figures.

Sounds great!

Action.

Quiet!

"Dear Rosie, I'm sorry I didn't have time to give you two weeks notice"

"but I got a job on "The Shizzle", Best luck Jeannie"

Hello.

They've offered you a really nice bump.

I uh...

I just don't want to do it Stove.

You want me to tell them that

and then we'll see what they come back with?

They've called about 4 or 500 times.

What're you going to do Hickum?

I'll never be God.

Whenever some chess club is gettin' pounded on.

I'll be there.

Whenever somebody's flossin' about how he bitch slapped the little guy.

I'll be there.

And when ever Melvins band together to open up a can of whoopass.

I'll be there.

Ok, we can't use whoopass so lets use smack down on the hater thing.

Can I see the dailies for the beach scene?

Don't bite my stuff.

Oh wait, sorry, sorry. Can I do that again?

Action!

When we called Pink. I said shotgun.

You know what if this were 1990 I would say talk to the hand.

But since it's not, my hand won't be bothered.

You said that Brianna needs to think everybody's crazy about her.

I never said that.

And Jan is in love with him. And she's past aggressive.

Past what?

You know, past aggressive.

People who act all friendly but really aren't. Like Jeannie.

Look what I made Brianna. And Sean.

It's hilarious.

Hey come in.

So, what is the hold you have over this kid?

I believed in him and he knows it. I'm the one that brought him to you.

Oh yeah. How do you like that.

You're such a putz.

But if you want me to consider your offer you have to do something first.

Anything.

Get rid of Jeannie, my old secretary.

That's gonna be kind of tough.

- Why? - It's just tough firing people.

When did you start caring about secretaries?

You fired everyone you ever slept with.

It's me or her.

OK.

What?

Listen zippo, you even think about it and I'll go to your wife.

Ow sweetie...

Go ahead

and I'll show her your little photography project

and tell her what a little liar you are.

You dried out old bitch!

Why don't you hasbeens ever move over for young talent?

Since when did screwing producers and eating craft services become a talent?

- Wow, look ladies... - Now what am I supposed to do?

Where am I gonna work?

I'm sure you could get your old corner back on Hollywood Boulevard.

There there there.

Oh!

She hit me.

We'll talk.

Wow that was fun.

Listen parents, the talent show's about to begin.

I always knew Jeannie was a psycho.

She must of really liked me.

Ah, how can you blame her, I mean...?

Poor thing.

I'm sorry.

I was an immature baby.

Well...

It's to be expected at your age.

No, I should have trusted you.

I just got so paranoid you'd leave me. Because I'm such an old hag.

I'm not that superficial, I don't care how old you are.

- You don't? - No I just care how much you weigh.

Oh nice! That's really nice.

What's that?

Ladies and gentlemen our PTA chairman Sally Plummer.

Welcome to another school spring fling.

You know spring is a time of renewal and...

and that's why we're so delighted to see all you fathers out there

with you're second and third wives.

Everybody's a comedian.

Uh, So with out further adieu our MC for the day Dylan Nicholson.

Everyone, I'm Dylan and I'm an alcoholic.

And then school I'd like to introduce to you,

You know 'em, you love 'em,

Melanie, Jane and Izzie!

Go Izzie!

So hot, must be 98.

September, that's not so great.

Where the north pole is turning slush.

On my TV there's President Bush.

And isn't he moronic? Don't you think?

Incredibly moronic.

And yet you really do think.

He's a pain, in the whole world's ass.

He saps them all, for a gallon of gas.

How can it be, we voted him in?

I just don't see how it figures.

The pop star, who went on TV.

To this whole world, can't sleep here with me.

Mother says to son,

Neverland ranch will be lots of fun.

Isn't it moronic,

That's my daughter.

don't you think?

That's my daughter.

Technically moronic. And yes I really do think.

It's all lame, but the dog and the cat.

Too big is small, till along came your Dad.

He won't like them when they're bigger.

Wasn't that the best?!

Oh, what a voice!

What a voice! She gets that from me.

- You hurt your face. - No, no.

I got a chin implant.

Yeah, they say if you extend your chin you don't need a face lift.

- Oh cool. - Where is she anyway?

- I'm going to go congratulate her. - No! No, leave her alone.

See whats going on?

Hey, Izzie. You want a slushie?

Ok

See ya.

How did you knew that was going to happen?

I'm a Mom.

Don't get too excited about him.

Now what's your problem?

Remember the "This will never work he's too young" scene?

Well eventually you'll hit the repay button on that one.

So it might not last. You could say that about anyone.

Besides, that isn't what I was looking at.

I liked your song.

You did?

Uh huh.

I liked when you said you're an alcoholic.

Do you like video games?

Sure.

Do you ever play apes escape?

No but, maybe you could teach me.

Oh my God! Look at her.

Nothing that could ever happen to me,

comes close to how happy I am to see her kiss Dylan and get applause.

Hello?

Who do you think set it up this way?

So your body rots. And your shows are stale.

Look who you're making room for.

Well, when you put it like that...

This is good.

Now you can settle down and act your age.

What's that supposed to mean? Easy listening, and orthopedic shoes?

That sounds about right. Yeah.

Nope, I don't want to do that. I want to stay passionate.

I want to scream at rock concerts, and get angry at the news.

And I want to wear miniskirts.

You're going to look ridiculous.

Yeah. Well, enough people are ridiculous,

it starts to look normal.

Rosie (Michelle Pfeiffer), the lead character in Amy Heckerling's I Could Never Be Your Woman, is believably beleaguered in a manner not often seen in a Hollywood romantic comedy, where a typical dilemma has an attractive young woman torn between a hot jerk and an ideal husband. Rosie is a single mother in her 40s, working her ass off on a youth-culture sitcom and fighting against the prevailing notion that women in the entertainment industry must approach but never touch the age of 28. Of course, she's also clearly loaded, providing a privileged life for her tweenage daughter Izzie (Saoirse Ronan); it's still a movie, after all.

The circumstances of Heckerling's clearly autobiographical film (she worked on the TV version of Clueless for several years following that film's release, which she also directed) mirrors its character's mix of luxury and messiness: It's a feature film with a decent budget and several recognizable stars that got caught up in a distribution mess and wound up proceeding straight to DVD. The movie itself is a bit of a mess, too, with weird interludes where Tracey Ullman, playing Mother Nature(!), harangues Rosie about the unstoppable march of time. Heckerling is fond of this technique; as the screenwriter-director, she pauses the movie for diatribes of her own about the destructive nature of beauty standards, the absurdity of network executives and standards and practices monitors, and the insanity of reality TV -- topics that seem to have been festering for a good decade or so.

But two of the movie's threads showcase the witty writing and way with actors Heckerling demonstrates in her best work (namely Clueless). The scenes between Rosie and Izzie are surprisingly insightful as they show a glamorous (but aging) L.A. mom trying to shield her daughter from the superficial worst of her environment. Ronan fits into that treacherous tween age with a perfect mixture of burgeoning awareness and lingering childish innocence; she figures out how to play an intelligent child without tipping into movieland precociousness.

The movie's purported story, sometimes obscured by the bustling feminist traffic, is Pfeiffer's romance with Paul Rudd, a thirtysomething actor playing a twentysomething actor playing a teenager on television. Their relationship could use more breathing room, but they make an endearingly tenuous couple, with her conflicted, angry wit and his carefree goofiness; how refreshing that they both get to be the funny, odd one (though Rudd might pull ahead based on his unabashed dance-floor spasms). Too bad you have to cringe a little, watching their courtship get jostled through a whole lot of side business about TV, parenting, and nature.

Maybe that's the point. Sometimes you come across an interesting movie with too many flaws to recommend, but Woman is a flawed movie with too much good stuff to completely ignore. It's smart and warm, and if Heckerling loses her grip a few times, it's only because she's squeezing so hard.

Feeling old? Need a feel good about yourself, quirky kind of movie to raise your spirits? Never fear, Hollywood claims they have something for you (don’t they always?). It comes in the form of the upcoming film: I Could Never Be Your Woman. Will it help you to put the bottle of scotch and sleeping pills down? Anything is possible, although I tend to believe nothing is going to save you if you’ve fallen that far down the rabbit hole.

What we have here, is a light-hearted romantic comedy about coming to terms with getting old and the notion that you’re only as old as you feel. It’s told from the perspective of a 40+ year old woman who falls for a much younger man. I Could Never Be Your Woman puts much of its focus on the goings-ons of Rosie (Michelle Pfeiffer). She is a recently divorced lady trying to juggle raising her teenage daughter Izzy (Saoirse Ronan) and producing the hit television show You Go Girl. Her world turns upside when, while casting for a male co-star for the show, she meets Adam (Paul Rudd). He’s in his twenties, good looking and outgoing. And he’s just what Rosie needs to make her feel youthful and beautiful again, if only her conscious (Tracy Ullman) would stop getting in the way.

The movie mostly works for several reasons. First and foremost, Michelle Pfeiffer is obviously a woman consumed with defying father time (I’m sure she’s had a pull or a tuck somewhere along the line) so seeing her play a like minded person was amusing. The scene at the dance club captures it all perfectly – Adam is dancing like an idiot and her character is completely lost — I’d venture a guess that Michelle herself would feel equally uncomfortable in a similar situation. The older generation just doesn’t get it and playing with Barbie dolls is not a way to compensate for that lack of understanding (it’s Rosie’s way of connecting to her daughter).

Another positive note is the memorable performance by newcomer Saoirse Ronan. She captures the boy problems, puberty issues and parent headaches with grace. I’m guessing she has recent firsthand knowledge of these issues as it doesn’t even look like she is acting. What’s even better is how she deftly handles her mother, and in many cases she is actually the one doling out the advice.

It was also good to see Paul Rudd step up to the plate and tackle a major role. He’s been sitting on the sidelines playing some memorable supporting roles in movies like Knocked Up and The 40 Year Old Virgin. His child-like exuberance here is a treat to watch.

That being said, there was still a certain something that the movie lacked. That little oomph that manages to take a movie over the hump was missing. Even though it has happened (Ashton Kutcher did hook up with Demi Moore), maybe it was the fact that I had trouble believing that a young, hip actor would find solace in woman who, let’s admit it, has seen better days. They just seemed totally incompatible – their burning love for each other didn’t translate well on the screen. Or perhaps the fault lies in the fact I found Tracy Ullman a complete drag. Yeah, we all know Mother Nature is a bitch, but does she have to be such a complainer too?

Whatever the reason, for what it’s worth, I Could Never Be Your Woman is a relatively good time. Most of the character interactions are weak and unimaginative but they are evened out by the strong performances of Rudd and Ronan. I don’t see any standout romantic comedies on the horizon, so this may be the best offering for the foreseeable future. You could do worse.

Considering the talent involved - writer/director Amy Heckerling (Clueless) and actors Michelle Pfeiffer and Paul Rudd - I Could Never Be Your Woman could contend for the most high-profile motion picture yet to take the direct-to-DVD route. This wasn't intended to be the path traveled by this motion picture; had all gone well, it would have been on multiplex screens a year or two ago. Financial mismanagement and bad decisions made the movie unreleasable and it languished until The Weinstein Company executed their home video rights. The result is a mixed blessing for Heckerling - her movie gets to see the light of day but it does so with the unenviable "direct-to-DVD" label. It's good enough to warrant better than the curt dismissal it is likely to receive in some corners.

Rosie (Pfeiffer) is a fortysomething TV writer/producer whose once popular TV series is beginning to fade. The show's star, Brianna (Stacey Dash), is a high maintenance diva and the slipping ratings no longer justify her salary or the program's budget. In an attempt to enliven things, Brianna brings in a new character, to be played by twentysomething actor Adam (Paul Rudd). Adam is attracted to Rosie, and she to him, but she views their age difference as an insurmountable obstacle and resists his advances. Meanwhile, she's shepherding her daughter, Izzie (Saoirse Ronan), through puberty. Izzie has a crush on a male student at her school and is determined to capture his attention at all costs. So, while avoiding her own potential romance, Rosie seeks to advance her daughter's.

If Clueless made Heckerling a bright star in the Hollywood, her follow-up, the little seen Loser, brought her crashing back to Earth. Had anyone gotten a chance to see it, I Could Never Be Your Woman might have removed some of the tarnish from Heckerling's reputation, but not all of it. This is far from a perfect movie, and not all the problems are related to its long release delay. The inclusion of Tracey Ullman as Mother Nature, who appears to be a figment of Rosie's imagination, is a miscalculation. The character is distracting and annoying and belongs in another motion picture. The film also suffers a late loss of focus. Toward the end, the screenplay puts the central romance on the back burner so it can focus on the relationship between Rosie and Izzy. While this provides some heartwarming drama, Heckerling never bothers to return to the romance, resorting instead to a series of stale flashbacks with a Beach Boys song playing in the background. Huh? Did someone lose part of the final reel?

Heckerling's writing is as sharp and pithy as ever, although some of her pop-centric comments are dated since they were written in 2005 and are being seen in 2008. (Her tongue-in-cheek explanation is that I Could Never Be Your Woman is a "period piece" with the period being 2005.) This problem is more the production company's fault than Heckerling's but it nevertheless diminishes the movie's wit. For example, a joke about Will and Grace loses something now that the show is off the air.

Pfeiffer and Rudd have adequate chemistry to pull off the romance. Arguably, a little too much is made about the age difference, and methinks Rosie doth protest a little too much when it becomes apparent that Adam's intentions aren't strictly platonic. Viewers aren't going to confuse Rudd and Pfeiffer with any of the great screen couples, but it's not a stretch to believe these two are into each other, especially when they're bouncing on the bed with abandon. Neither actor stands a chance, however, when they share the camera with scene-stealer Saoirse Ronan. The young Irish actress (with a perfect American accent) gives a brilliant performance. Had this movie been out in the marketplace before her Golden Globe nomination for Atonement, she wouldn't have taken everyone by surprise. Her Izzie is a little like what Juno might have been like four years before her pregnancy. And the way Ronan skewers Britney Spears (with an assist from Heckerling's altered lyrics) is the film's comedic highlight. On the negative side, Sarah Alexander is shrill and disappointing as the uninteresting villain and Fred Willard, normally a reliable comedic presence, doesn't have a single funny line or moment. For the most part, he looks bewildered.

Had I Could Never Be Your Woman been released into theaters, it would have received mixed reviews, slanted toward the mildly positive. It's a pleasant diversion - an enjoyable romantic comedy that has enough going for it to make it worth a recommendation. As a direct-to-video offering, it's a positive triumph. One doesn't see something of this quality suddenly appearing without fanfare on video store shelves. See it for Pfeiffer, who's still y past 40. See it for Ronan, who provides a preview of where her career is tracking. See it for the dialogue, which, despite its occasional stale moments, still crackles. And see it in the hope that this might represent (albeit unintentionally) the future of the direct-to-video feature.

Note: The DVD package is relatively barren. There are a few deleted scenes, only one of which has any juice. The "theatrical trailer" is a nice curiosity since it was never used. The commentary is a waste of bandwidth. With as convoluted a production and distribution history as this movie has, one might expect Heckerling and producer Cerise Hellam Larkin to provide a wealth of insight. Instead, all they do is ramble about what scene was filmed in London and what scene was filmed in L.A. and how the weather was nicer in England than Southern California. Listening to the commentary is a waste of time. Fortunately, watching the movie isn't.

I Could Never Be Your Woman casts Michelle Pfeiffer as Rosie, a writer/producer on a disposable teen drama who finds herself falling for the series' latest hire (Paul Rudd's Adam). Despite the rather severe difference in their respective ages - she's 40 and he's 29 - the two embark on a relationship that's fraught with precisely the sort of complications that one might've expected. That writer/director Amy Heckerling reportedly used experiences from her own life as fodder for the film's storyline is nothing short of astonishing, as I Could Never Be Your Woman has been infused with a distinctly over-the-top sensibility that effectively drains the proceedings of anything even resembling authenticity. The most obvious victim of this is Rudd, who finds himself trapped within the confines of an absurdly (and unreasonably) broad character - to such an extent that it becomes increasingly difficult to believe that Rosie would actually fall for this ill-mannered douchebag. The inclusion of several undeniably strange elements - ie Rosie's inept yet oddly manipulative secretary - only exacerbates the film's various problems, and it's ultimately not difficult to envision most of these characters (as well as the almost uniformly contrived situations) placed comfortably within the context of a garden-variety sitcom.