庸人哈尔,Shallow Hal

'Shallow Hal" is given words of wisdom at the deathbed of his father, who under the influence of pain-killers is speaking from the deepest recesses of his being. "Hot young tail," his father says. "That's what it's all about." He makes Hal promise to date only beautiful women, and to beware of falling in love--"that was the tragic mistake I made with your mother." Hal (Jack Black) grows up to follow this counsel. He has no meaningful relationships with women because meaningful is not what he's looking for. With his running-mate Mauricio (Jason Alexander from "Seinfeld"), whose spray-on hair looks like a felt hat, he prowls the bars. His life is a series of brief encounters, until one day he is trapped on an elevator with Tony Robbins, the self-help guru, who hypnotizes him and tells him to look inside the women who he meets, for their inner beauty. Soon after, Shallow Hal begins to have extraordinary success with women--not least with a nurse and ex-Peace Corps volunteer named Rosemary, who looks exactly like Gwyneth Paltrow because that's the way Hal's mind is working these days. The movie plays with point-of-view shots to show us that Rosemary actually weighs about 300 pounds, but to Hal, she's slender and--well, Gwyneth Paltrow.

At first Rosemary thinks his compliments are ironic insults, and is wounded. Then she realizes he's sincere, and really does think she's beautiful. This has never happened to her before. They begin an enchanted romance, to the consternation of Hal's friends, who can't understand why he's dating this fatso. Of course, if the Tony Robbins hypnosis ever wears off . . .

"Shallow Hal," written with Sean Moynihan, is the new movie by the Farrelly brothers, Bobby and Peter. They specialize in skirmishes on the thin line between comedy and cruelty. "There's Something About Mary" had its paraplegic suitor; "Dumb and Dumber" had the little blind boy; "Me, Myself and Irene" was about a man with a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality, and so on. Whether we laugh or are offended depends on whether our lower or higher sensibilities are in command at the time. The Farrellys have a way of tickling the lower regions while sending the higher centers off on errands. Reader, I confess I have laughed.

"Shallow Hal" is often very funny, but it is also surprisingly moving at times. It contains characters to test us, especially Walt (Rene Kirby), who has spina bifida and an essentially immobile lower body. Kirby doesn't use a chair or braces, but lopes around on all fours, and is an expert skier, horseman, bicyclist and acrobat. Because he is clearly handicapped, we think at first his scenes are in "bad taste"--but he doesn't think so; his zest for life allows us to see his inner beauty, and his sense of humor, too, as in a scene where he explains why he's putting on rubber gloves.www.130q.com

There's something about the Farrellys that isn't widely publicized--they're both sincerely involved in work with the mentally retarded. There is a sense that they're not simply laughing at their targets, but sometimes with them, or in sympathy with them. "Shallow Hal" has what look like fat jokes, as when a chair collapses under Rosemary, but the punchline is tilted toward empathy.

Now here's a heartfelt message from Valerie Hawkins of Homewood, Ill., who writes: "Um, what am I missing, regarding 'Shallow Hal?' The trailer prattles on about how Hal now sees only the inner beauty of a woman. No, he doesn't. When he looks at an overweight woman and instead sees her as a thin woman, that's not inner beauty. What he's seeing is a typical tall, thin professional model type--which in some ways is more insulting than if he saw her as she really is and instantly rejected her." This is persuasive. Hal sees Paltrow, who doesn't spend a lot of time wearing the "fat suit" you've read about in the celeb columns. What if she wore the fat suit in every scene, and he thought she was beautiful because of the Robbins training? This would also be funny; we could see her as fat but he couldn't. At the same time, screams of rage would come from the producers, who didn't pay Paltrow untold millions to wear a fat suit.

Hawkins has a good argument from our point of view and hers, but not from Hal's, because he does literally see an idealized beauty. To be sure, it is exterior beauty, not interior, but how else to express his experience visually? I think we understand to accept the Farrellys' premise as filtered through the realities of the marketplace, in which you do not put Gwyneth Paltrow into a movie where she doesn't look like Gwyneth Paltrow. (John Travolta played an Abominable Snowman from space in "Battleship Earth," and look how that went over.) By showing the idealized Paltrow, the Farrellys set up the third act, in which Shallow Hal does indeed see Paltrow as fat, and has to deal with how he feels about that. If she had been fat all along in the movie's eye, how could his test be made clear visually? Early and late, we see Paltrow as Hal sees her, which is not an evasion but maybe the point.

Whether or not you accept the fat-thin argument, the movie offers a good time. It's very funny across the usual range of Farrelly gags, from the spray-on toupee to a woman with a long second toe to a man with a tail. Paltrow is truly touching. And Black, in his first big-time starring role, struts through with the blissful confidence of a man who knows he was born for stardom, even though he doesn't look like your typical Gwyneth Paltrow boyfriend. He's not so thin, either.

Note: Only the most attentive audience members will catch the Farrellys' subtle reference to a famous poem by Emily Dickinson.

庸人哈尔,Shallow Hal

The trailer for Shallow Hal makes it seem like a startlingly insensitive comedy that mocks fat people — or plus-sized people, or people of circumference, or whatever term is least offensive — for cheap laughs. In it, we see Hal (Jack Black), a boorish pig obsessed with bagging hotties, being cured of his superficial ways via hypnotism by motivational speaker Tony Robbins. From that point on, he sees only women's inner beauty. To him, wart-faced hags look like the Noxzema Girl and the decidedly hefty look like svelte models.

Hal's perceptive discrepancy is played for comic effect when he begins dating Rosemary, a sweet blonde who has as much avoirdupois as she does heart. While everyone else sees her true girth — and often make nasty comments about it — Hal perceives Rosemary as a dead ringer for pixieish waif Gwyneth Paltrow, even when furniture buckles under her massive weight.

But, by playing her plumpness for such cheap laughs, aren't directors Peter and Bobby Farrelly just as bad as the jerks calling Rosemary a "rhino?" Sure, heavyset folks are the butt of infinite jokes, but doesn't a comedy that specifically targets the obese just seem wrong? What's next? The Blind News Bears? That Darn Cripple? Forget Me Not: The Alzheimer's Follies?

Sensing they've crossed the boundaries of good taste (again), the Farrellys heap on the sweet-natured shtick like a humpback whale at a krill buffet. Despite the protestations of Hal's sleazy friend Mauricio (Jason Alexander, playing George Costanza's evil brother) that she's huge with a capital H, Hal really starts falling in love with Rosemary. Even when, about two-thirds into the film, he loses his "gift" and starts seeing women for what they really are, Hal still has feelings for his rotund lover, but is hesitant to face her for fear his shallow side will resurface.

As further penance for all its "let's-laugh-at-Tubby" japes, Shallow Hal shifts into melodrama mode in the final act. While a melancholy piano tinkles in the background, Hal mournfully stares at the ground, expressing disgust with his own skin-deep sense of aesthetics. In a particularly exploitative scene, he travels back to the children's hospital ward where Rosemary worked, only to find all those button-cute kids he thought he saw are actually horrifically disfigured. Finally, we see Rosemary in her true form (i.e. Gwyneth in a fat suit), weeping bitter tears of rejection after catching Hal having dinner with his trim-'n'-toned next-door neighbor Jill (Susan Ward). www.130q.com

The fact that Jill's — and many other people's appearances — don't change when Hal's perceptions do is another of Shallow Hal's shortcomings. Does this mean she's as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside? And what about Hal's bald, pot-bellied office mate (played by Black's Tenacious D band-mate Kyle Gass) or his raspberry-nosed boss (Joe Viterelli) — both seem like nice guys, but look severely beaten with the ugly stick before, during, and after Hal's transformation.

Most disturbing is the film's hypocrisy. For all their preaching about how people are more beautiful on the inside as they are on the outside, the Farrellys and co-writer Sean Moynihan take every opportunity to ogle Paltrow in see-through negligees and skin-tight hot pants. You can't blame her, though: Paltrow's rail-thin frame may be the envy of anorexics everywhere, but the actress does a fine job portraying a sensitive but strong woman painfully aware of her thickset figure (a situation she presumably has never had to face herself). That's the problem: By preaching that beauty comes from within while simultaneously leering at slender examples of the female form and poking fun at the portly, Shallow Hal undermines its own message. Like the most corpulent food addict, it tries to have its cake, and eat it too.

庸人哈尔,Shallow Hal

"Shallow Hal" opens with a dying man's advice to his young son, and they're words to live by: "Don't be satisfied with routine poontang." If part of what people love the Farrelly brothers for is their audacious crudeness -- it's actually an extraordinarily refined brand of crudeness -- that line certainly promises a wild ride. What it doesn't foreshadow is the pure sweetness of "Shallow Hal," a sweetness that sticks with you past the last frame without ever being cloying. "Shallow Hal" isn't the funniest Farrelly brothers movie, but it's the one that draws their knockabout humanist qualities into the tightest circle. Humor that's deemed inappropriate is often the most necessary kind.

Hal (Jack Black) is a pudgy, not overly good-looking guy who, after taking the advice of his dying dad, nevertheless thinks he's entitled to the most gorgeous babes. He and his pal Mauricio (Jason Alexander) spend most of their time comparing notes on which women are most perfectly suited to enter their dazzling orbit. They succeed with virtually none of them, of course, and can't accept what they have on the rare occasions when they do. (Mauricio rejects his knockout of a girlfriend because her second toe is longer than her big one -- this from a man who tries to disguise his baldness with what looks like a yarmulke of iron shavings.)

But then Hal happens to meet personal-transformation guru Anthony Robbins (played, with booming charm, by himself) and winds up receiving an impromptu "hypnosis" session. After that, Hal sees women differently. Those with the proverbial "inner beauty" are transformed into babes. Plain or average-looking women who work with the blind or rehabilitate drug-addicted orangutans (OK, I made that last one up, but you get the idea) take on the aura of supermodels. When Hal catches sight of Rosemary (Gwyneth Paltrow), a sometime Peace Corps volunteer who also spends much of her time helping out in the children's ward of the local hospital, he falls for her instantly. www.130q.com

To him (and to us) she looks like, well, Gwyneth Paltrow, in her usual svelte frame. To the rest of the world, she's an immensely overweight woman whose clothes don't fit her right and who walks with the awkward carriage of someone who just feels wrong in her body. But in the cruel shorthand used to describe less-than-pretty girls throughout the history of time, she has a great personality -- it's little wonder Hal falls for her. Hal's new gift of sight works in reverse, too: Now, when he looks at a hot gold digger, he sees a wrinkled hag.

The Farrellys weave their jokes nimbly around the movie's gentle message. "Shallow Hal" isn't out to teach us a lesson -- and if it is, we're in deep trouble, because the idea that beauty is only skin deep is something most of us should have learned long ago. But this is the most overtly sweet-tempered of all the Farrellys' movies, the fullest flowering of every good impulse they've ever had. It's something of a triumph for them, too, in that it's structured better than any of their previous pictures. Its pacing gets a little stringy in the last third, but it doesn't have the wayward waviness of, say, "Me, Myself and Irene" -- a movie that, amusing as it is, makes you work hard to follow its lackadaisical bread-crumb trail.

Some moviegoers may walk away from "Shallow Hal" disappointed that there aren't more outlandishly filthy gags. (There are none involving makeshift hair goo, although there is a pretty good conjunctivitis joke.) But the Farrellys (who also cowrote the script, with Sean Moynihan) are getting even better at knowing how to use the camera to get laughs: In one of the movie's best sight gags, we see Hal and Rosemary canoeing on a pond. Even though we're seeing the "thin" Rosemary, the one Hal sees, her end of the canoe is slung low in the water, while Jack, at the back end, is hiked high in the air. The Farrellys also know how to use casting to get a giggle out of us, by using veteran character actor Joe Viterelli (who, with a face like a map of the rugged Italian countryside, usually plays mob thugs) as Rosemary's winkling, twinkling Irish pappy.

Most of the actors slip right into the Farrellys' mind-set and carry the movie beautifully. Black, who was so lively and outlandish in "High Fidelity," has the right kind of leading-man energy for this particular role, mostly because he's something of a straight guy to Paltrow's beauty, which is used here as a lavish joke.

And she is without a doubt the movie's most winning presence; the whole picture turns on her performance. Audiences are often critical of beautiful women who play "ugly" -- when "Frankie and Johnny" was released, there was a tremendous outcry from people who refused to believe that a woman as beautiful as Michelle Pfeiffer could possibly be believable as a careworn, dateless waitress. (The subtext, a reverse kind of looksism, is that beautiful women can't possibly be unhappy -- and if they are, it's their own damn fault. Humanistic, isn't it?)

Paltrow looks as gorgeous as ever here: Cinematographer Russell Carpenter works some extra magic (and she doesn't need much) to bathe her in a golden glow. In the last portion of the movie she wears a fat suit, and the sight of her in it is as distressing to us as it is, at first, to Hal. This beautiful woman doesn't belong in that misshapen body -- which is, of course, precisely the point.

Even in her earlier scenes, where Paltrow looks like her gorgeous self, she still shows us what it's like to be a person who isn't happy with her body, just in the way she coyly averts her eyes when Hal compliments her or giggles with shyness when she appears in his bedroom in a surprise negligee. Her physical approach to the character is wonderful -- even thin, she puts herself into the body of an overweight person, walking with a slightly heavy, awkward gait.

And yet Paltrow understands that for the most part Rosemary is supremely confident. (She gets one of her best laughs when she's cutting down the aggressively rude Mauricio, taunting him about his Members Only windbreaker; she has no patience for foolishness or cruelty, whether it's leveled against her or anyone else.) Rosemary isn't a woman who allows herself to crumple into a heap of insecurity; that's part of the reason Hal adores her so. Paltrow's performance is lovely not because it makes us feel sorry for the fat girl, but because it makes us see why we shouldn't.

The Farrellys have always been unabashedly romantic filmmakers, but with "Shallow Hal" they put their hearts out there for us like never before. They're funny guys: Their movies are always presented as straightforward goofiness, yet they're often layered with surprising levels of depth and subtlety. "Shallow Hal" may be the best Farrellys movie yet, even though it doesn't live up to the pair's usual level of uproarious, crass comic genius. They're learning, movie by movie, to articulate ideas that are more and more sophisticated, without being oppressively heavy-handed.

You see it here in the way they delicately handle a scene between Hal and a child whose face is badly scarred, and in the way they've written the character of Walt (Rene Kirby), a rich, handsome, charming software mogul who, having been born with spina bifida, walks on all fours. Kirby isn't an actor playing a character with an infirmity; he has spina bifida himself. (The Farrellys met him in a Burlington, Vt., bar when they were making "Me, Myself & Irene.") As Kirby plays him, Walt is, next to Paltrow, the most charismatic character in the movie -- he may even match her.

But to anyone who's been paying close attention to any of the Farrellys' movies -- and their fans are legion -- that won't come as a surprise. I've come to believe that the Farrellys are as popular as they are not because they free our inner ids with their impish gross-outs (although that's part of it), but because they're fearless about confronting weird taboos and irrational anxieties: Their message has always been that even if it takes a bit of work to see people for who they are, it's always worth doing. If you were a beautiful woman hanging out in a bar and a raffishly good-looking guy approached you, walking on all fours, and offered to buy you a drink, what would you do? In the Farrellys' world, you'd accept with a smile -- not out of politeness, but because you couldn't resist. In Peter and Bobby Farrellys' world, good people win, and even the bad ones eventually come around to showing us their better sides. The Farrellys are very naughty filmmakers, but their naughtiness always serves a grander purpose. They're the Jean Renoirs of toilet humor.

庸人哈尔,Shallow Hal

Since they burst upon the motion picture scene with Dumb and Dumber, the Farrelly Brothers, Bobby and Peter, have been known as the Kings of Vulgar Comedy. So, given the Farrellys' reputation and a title with the word "shallow" in it, one might easily expect more of the same from the producing/writing/directing duo. In that respect, however, Shallow Hal surprises. Neither gross, nor obscene, nor perverse, this motion picture sets out to do something that no other Farrelly Brothers film has yet done: tell a story with a moral. Shallow Hal is a sweet, somewhat dumb romantic comedy that's almost impossible to actively dislike. It's also tame enough to earn a PG-13 rating from the MPAA (although, given the inconsistency of the Ratings Board, that doesn't mean much).

Hal (Jack Black) is about as shallow as they come. When asked the question of whether he would prefer a woman with only one breast or half a brain, his response is, "How big is the breast?" The shape of a woman's figure and the size of her chest are his primary qualifications in choosing a partner. However, while that might work for someone with above-average looks, Hal could generously be called "ordinary". Hence, the kind of women he's looking for, aren't looking for him. Hal's best friend, Mauricio (Jason Alexander), is in pretty much the same boat, so the two of them spend time consoling each other - until fate steps in.

One day, Hal becomes stuck in an elevator with self-help guru Anthony Robbins. Robbins, understanding Hal's predicament with women, decides to give him a gift - he hypnotizes Hal so, when he meets a woman, he sees not her physical appearance, but her inner beauty. Soon afterwards, Hal meets Rosemary (Gwyneth Paltrow) and is astonished that she is willing to go out with him. However, the girl who looks like a stunning, willowy blonde to Hal appears to everyone else like a white, female version of Professor Sherman Klump. But, as Robbins puts it, "The brain sees what the heart want it to feel." Or something like that... www.130q.com

Shallow Hal contains its share of cute scenes, and even offers a few surprisingly touching moments (such as the one when Rosemary realizes that Hal is genuinely interested in her, not just making fun of her). And, as in all romantic comedies of this ilk, you have to be willing to greatly suspend disbelief. In for a penny, in for a pound. But, despite these laudatory qualities, there's a flaw to Shallow Hal, and it's not an insignificant one. The movie is, simply and succinctly, not especially funny. Oh, there are some laughs to be had, but most of those punch-lines, which concern the differences between how Hal and the world view Rosemary, have been given away by the TV commercials and theatrical trailers. Unlike There's Something About Mary and Me, Myself & Irene, sequences intended to generate laughter are at a premium. In fact, there are times when the comedy, inasmuch as there is comedy, feels forced and contrived - as if the Farrellys realized they are expected to provide raucous humor, and grafted some material into the script just to keep their reputation intact.

Jack Black's performance suffers from the same schizoid problem. Black is fine in the low-key scenes, but, on those occasions when the screenplay demands that he go over-the-top, his work seems strained. It's not that he can't play loud, rambunctious characters - he did quite well in High Fidelity and Saving Silverman - but it doesn't work here. Meanwhile, Gwyneth Paltrow is delightfully sweet as Rosemary, the big girl who is discovering the joys of love for the first time (for most of the film, Paltrow appears as herself - Rosemary as seen through Hal's eyes - but there are occasions when she has to don a huge "fat suit"). And, as the wisecracking "third wheel", Jason Alexander provides some acerbic wit.

Curiously, the message of Shallow Hal is identical to that of Shrek. (Come to think of it, there are certain similarities to the plots, as well.) Both movies want us to recognize that inner beauty, not physical appearance, is what counts, or, to employ the proverb, "Don't judge a book by its cover." The fact that a Farrelly Brothers comedy has any sort of moral at all comes as something of a shock; nevertheless, Shrek offers a more rewarding journey to the same destination. Shallow Hal is light, harmless, and in need of a dose of the outrageousness that made There's Something About Mary more enjoyable.

庸人哈尔，Shallow Hal

Shallow Hal script

Mrs Larson?

It...

It won't be much longer, Mrs Larson.

Well, is he in a lot of pain?

No. No, no. There will be no more pain for your husband.

He's heavily sedated.

OK. I think I'm gonna go send little Hal in now.

No. No, no. I don't think that's such a good idea.

With all the painkillers,

the reverend's not exactly himself.

Look, I think my boy has a right to say goodbye to his father.

I mean, the man means everything in the world to him.

Well, your call.

Nurse?

Yes, Reverend Larson?

- Did you see the cowboy? - The cowboy?

The cowboy who gave me the singing nickel in Pudding Town?

OK. I think it's time to turn down the morphine drip.

Reverend Larson, your son is here.

OK, sure. Send her in.

Ladies? A little privacy.

Dad?

It's me, Dad. Hal.

Glad you're here, kiddo. Got a few things to tell ya.

First, I want you to promise that no matter what you do in life,

you will never ever settle for average.

Yes, sir.

Second, don't be satisfied with routine poontang.

Don't do what I did.

I married for love, and your mother Betty has been a nightmare.

But, Dad, Mom's name is Marian.

Listen to me. I'm giving you pearls here.

And third, find yourself

a classic beauty

with a perfect can, and great totties.

That will put you in good stead with the Lord. It's all in here.

Yes, sir.

Hot young tail's what it's all about.

Hot young tail.

I'll make you proud, Papa.

Jackass, can you not hear me down there?

I don't want anything to do with you, you little warthog.

You had me at "Get lost."

- What's up, Mauricio? - Hey, Hal.

- How's the crowd tonight? - Good. I got a few bites.

- Can I get you a drink? - I won't say no to that.

Two beers.

- Two Buds? - Two Buds.

So, I didn't expect to see you here. Where's your new girl Loni?

- Lindy. - Lindy.

- She's... - There you go.

Actually, I didn't tell her I was goin' out tonight.

Why not? Things OK with you guys?

Yeah, a little too OK, if you know what I'm talkin' about.

- What does that mean? - Things are going in the shitter real quick.

Jeez, I'm sorry to hear that. Why is she dumping you?

- She's not. I'm dumping her. - You're dumping Loni?

- Lindy. - What, are you crazy? Lindy's gorgeous.

On the surface, but when you get to know her better, there's a whole other story goin' on.

Yeah? How goes that?

We're sitting there, you know, and she's got her bare feet up on the couch,

and I notice that her second toe is, like, half an inch longer than her big toe.

- That's it? You're breaking up over that? - Hey, I don't need that circus shit.

Well, couldn't she get the toe filed down or something?

What, then I'm dating a nub?

I'm starting to think we're jinxed here.

- Speak for yourself, my friend. - What, you got the promotion?

I don't hear till tomorrow, but guess who is now officially going out with Jill.

Jill? Your neighbour Jill? You're going out with Jill, your neighbour?

And she doesn't exactly hate me.

Get out!

You are the luckiest man on the planet. So what are you doing here?

She's hostessing until 11. I better get going.

I'm gonna try to catch her on the way home, see if she wants to get a drink.

If I know you, that's not all she'll be gettin'.

See you later.

- I said no. - No? Why not?

I don't wanna have a drink with you. I wanna go home. Is that so hard to understand?

- What's goin' on? Are you mad? - No, I'm not mad. I just...

Go on, say it. You know what? No matter what it is, we're gonna work it out.

Hal, I'm not attracted to you.

So what? You think everyone who goes out is attracted to each other? Get real.

They're attracted to each other in the beginning.

Oh, come on. That sounds like a bunch of New Age hooey.

Maybe for some people there's a little spark in the beginning,

but for most, the attraction part happens way later. Whoa!

What? That's it? Just like that, we're breaking up?

Well, we were never going out. We just had one date.

Come on. Hey, let's stay together five days. That's all I need.

- Why do you need five days? - Tomorrow I'm finally getting my promotion.

There's gonna be parties, dinners, this, that. I need you now.

Hal, you're gonna be so busy, you won't even think about me.

How am I not gonna think about you? You live right across the hall.

I don't know, Hal. Maybe you should think about moving.

Hal, we've made a decision regarding that wholesaler position.

Yes! It's about time, Dave.

We decided to go with the gal from Merrill.

She's a proven entity. A big producer.

- I'm sorry, man. - No, it's...

The gal's a proven entity. What the heck you gonna do?

- Hal, I'm so sorry. - Yeah, thanks.

- You should have gotten it. You deserved it. - No, I didn't.

I didn't put them in a position where they had to promote me or lose me.

It's a good lesson. Make yourself indispensable, that's the key.

And to make matters worse, Jill dumped me last night.

Dumped you? Don't you have to be going out to get dumped?

- What does that mean? - Well, I just thought it was more of a...

Anyway, why do you care so much? Jill wasn't right for you and you know it.

How can you say that? She was perfect.

When are you gonna get it? They're just well-formed molecules.

And by the way, her tits weren't even real.

Well, I could squeeze 'em. That's real enough for me.

Hal, I don't understand how a guy

who's as nice and loyal and generous as you could have such a huge flaw.

What are you talking about?

It never occurred to you that picking girls on their looks may not be the best way?

Am I supposed to apologise for having high standards?

High standards? In the five years I've known you, every woman -

I should say girl - you've gone after has been completely out of your league.

- What's that supposed to mean? - She doesn't mean anything by it.

She's just saying you're not that good-looking.

Oh! I thought she was implying something really mean.

No.

Hey, it's you. You're the TV guru guy.

- Yes, Tony Robbins. Pleased to meet you. - Yeah! Oh, man!

So, wow! You gave advice to whatchamacallit.

- President Clinton? Mandela? - No, no, no.

- Gorbachev? - No, no. Pamela Anderson.

Right? Yeah! Give me another handshake.

Wow! Man, look at those mitts! It's like grabbing a bunch of bananas.

And those dogs. How big are those?

- Size 16, buddy. - Holy cannoli.

- So you must do pretty good with the ladies. - Just one.

- Really? - Yeah.

She sounds hot!

- She is an amazing lady. - I bet.

- So, what are you doin' in my town? - We're doing a seminar here.

I help people to deal with the challenges in life with more dignity and courage.

That's my deal, is the courage. I try to...

Hang on a second. Buddy, hang on. The elevatorjust stopped. That's weird.

- Man, yeah. So what do we...? - Hang on.

- Are you OK? I'm fine. - You OK?

Yeah, yeah. It's just I feel a little light-headed.

Then she dumped me. Flat out. Without even the courtesy of a severance pop.

- A severance pop? - You know, one last...

To ease the pain. The nice ones'll sometimes throw you that.

It sounds like you've had some odd relationships.

Yeah. See, the problem is I'm kinda picky.

- What do you mean, "picky"? - Well, for instance, I like 'em real young.

Like, did you ever see Paulina in her first Sports Illustrated layout?

- You're looking for a young Paulina type? - That face, but with better headlights.

You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately?

Heidi Klum's beams would do. And her teeth.

Or that Britney Spears girl. She's got great knockers.

But she's a tad muscular.

Actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too, if she had a better grille.

Like Michelle Pfeiffer back when she did Grease 2,

But she'd have to be a little smilier than Michelle.

Like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, before she got Stamosed.

But not as skinny. Someone meatier, like Heidi, but without the accent.

You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah.

They really get old fast. You know what I'm saying. Someone like that.

Don't you think you're being a little bit shallow in the way you look at women?

Well, no. I mean, you know, I'd like her to be into culture and shit, too.

OK, hypothetical situation.

Which do you prefer, a girlfriend missing one breast or half a brain?

Ooh, toughie. That's a toughie.

How's the remaining breast? Is it big?

- How's your relationship with your parents? - Excellent. I mean, my mom's hilarious.

She golfs every afternoon.

Actually, I don't really remember my dad. He died when I was nine, so...

If you were nine, you should remember a lot.

Yeah, but I don't.

My mom thinks I might have been a little traumatised by the whole thing.

Anyway, all I remember is, he was great.

He was a great guy, and I really loved him, but...

I'm sorry you lost him. Hey, listen, I know you got a great heart.

You're just fixated on the outside appearances of people.

- Hal Larson, I'm gonna do you a great favour. - Really?

This is how it'll work. From this moment on, whenever you meet someone in the future,

you're only gonna see what's inside them.

So you'll respond to that, because that, my friend, is where the true beauty lies.

OK, Tony, I think you're getting a little cabin fever.

Hold on. What if I told you by doing this,

you could have the most beautiful women in the world and they'd want you?

- Is this like what you do in your seminars? - No, no, this is very special.

This is just between you and me. Let's get up and I'll show you what to do.

Now, you got a pattern of looking at women and judging them by the exterior.

We gotta break that pattern. So has there been a time

when you were especially shallow with a woman, where you thought you were better?

- All the time. - All the time.

Is there one specific time where you were really shallow?

- Oh, yeah, I got one. - Think about that.

Devils, come out!

- What the hell are you doin', banana hands? - Just hang on.

- We gottajolt your nervous system. - Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

It's notjust talking about it. Here's what I want you to do. Just relax for a moment.

- I won't do that again. - I didn't mean the "banana hands" thing.

Close your eyes. Just relax. And I want you to imagine that you're on a beach.

It's a warm day and the sun is just starting to set.

And you're looking in the eyes of a woman, and you're feeling her heart.

You're seeing her soul.

You're feeling her spirit.

That's it. That's it.

Excellent. Excellent.

Taxi!

I'm sorry. I thought that...

No, it's my fault. I didn't see you. This is your cab. I'm gonna get the next cab.

- OK. - All right.

Look, I'm just headed over to the East Side.

- Do you wanna share, or...? - Yeah!

Yeah, let's take this one. So, awesome. Thank you. Terrific.

- Where to? - East Side Plaza for me, please.

Likewise.

- What? - Oh. Huh? Sorry. I just...

I mean, yeah, you're really pretty.

Yeah, right. Jeez, is everybody in this city so flattering?

I figured you weren't from around here. Where you from?

- Boston. - Bean Town.

The musical fruit.

The more you eat, the more you toot.

So, are you here on a shoot or something?

- A shoot? - I mean, you must be a model, right?

My grandmother's not doing so well, so I took a year off from school to help her out.

Oh. Helping granny. Cool.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

Bye.

So, nice catchin' up.

Listen, um... I know you'll probably think I'm some kind of wacko for asking, but...

What?

Well, while you're here in town, I mean, you know...

if you ever feel like taking a break from hangin' out with your old sick granny,

you know, we could...

- Sure. I mean... - Really?

Are you kidding? Yeah! That'd be...

I would absolutely love to, if...

OK, yeah. I should get your number, then.

No, no. I'll get yours, because it would...

- With my luck, you'll lose mine, so... - Oh. I get it.

Very funny. You got me. That was... No, that was good.

You could've just said no, but you went the extra mile. That was harsh.

I don't need this shit.

What?

- I do want your number. - Oh, I'm sorry!

I don't know what... That was dumb. I was saying something...

I thought you meant... Never mind. Yes. Yes.

Here's my phone number, and here's my email.

- Email. That's... - Yeah. That's funny.

- Hello? - Mudwhistle, get dressed. We're goin' out.

This Robbins guy gave you free therapy while you were in the elevator?

Yeah. And then - check this out -

he does this thing to me where he makes it so I can score better with the ladies.

At the time I thought it was ajoke.

But this afternoon, the first beautiful woman I saw went for me.

- Could be coincidence. - Yeah, but no. This was different.

It was like she went crazy for me or something.

I think maybe talking to him helped my confidence, cos I do feel more confident.

Shit. Look who's here.

What's the matter? You have a problem with Walt?

- You don't? - No. Why would I?

- Don't you just get sick of it sometimes? - Sick of what?

The whole "I walk on all fours so I own the world" thing.

Plus all that phony self-deprecating crap.

Jeez... Give the guy a break! He's got spina bifida!

- He's just playing the hand he was dealt. - Yeah. Here he comes.

- There's a couple of belt buckles I recognize. - Hey, Walt. How you doin'?

Do I look like I have anything to complain about?

Not if you don't mind bunions on your knuckles.

I gotta go to the can.

- Hey, man, good to see ya. - Good to see you.

- How you been? - Good.

There's a pair of panties I recognize. How ya doing, Deb?

OK, wise guy, what's it gonna be?

- How about a bottle of Dom for my buddy? - Another? OK, you got it.

- And keep 'em coming. - What's the occasion?

- You don't read the business section? - What did I miss?

- I sold my company to Microsoft. - Yeah? And you cleaned up?

Well, if I had an ass, I'd wipe it with twenties.

All right! Congratulations!

I'm officially retired and on the prowl.

- Hey, Walt. - Hey, Sally.

I got a leash. Would you like to take me for a walk?

Come on, boy.

Catch ya later.

Hi.

Hi.

- Hal. - I'm Bella.

- So, what's up? - Nothing.

- My friends are all out on the dance floor. - Yeah?

- How come you're not spanking the planks? - Spanking the planks!

Are they your roommates, or...?

No, we work together at the Foundation Fighting Blindness.

Cool. I used to know a deaf guy.

- Do you wanna dance? - Yes!

All right.

What in the name of all that is holy...?

- Do you need help? - What? Come on!

Hal?

It's ten o'clock. We gotta go.

- What are you talking about? - Hal, we gotta go do that thing.

- You know, at the place. - What thing?

Hey, sorry, ladies. I gotta steal your dance partner here.

- What are you doing?! - I am rescuing you.

- From what? - From what?!

From a pack of stampeding buffalo, that's from what!

Come join us. I'm goin' after the redhead. You can have your pick of the other two.

You mean you get the hyena, and I choose between the hippo and the giraffe?

Don't be intimidated, man. They don't bite. Let's go! I'm gettin' back in there.

Hey, go nuts.

Hey, Jill.

Mauricio, it's Hal. Pick it up.

Look, man, I don't know what the hell was the matter with you last night.

First you wouldn't dance with the hotties,

and then we go to the IHOP, and those hotties are even hotter, and you disappear!

Oh, my...

I gotta call you back. Something came up.

Building a parachute?

- Excuse me? - They're a little big, aren't they?

Oh, I get it. You ripped the spinnaker on your sailboat, right?

Sorry. It seemed so funny seeing someone like you holding up a pair of old-lady trou.

Someone like me?

Yeah. You know, someone so fit.

You are ajackass.

Miss, please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you.

Hey, unibrow, why don't you double your dosage and leave me alone?

Whoa, whoa. Let's start over. Look, that was really dumb of me.

You were probably buying 'em for someone close to you, and I insulted them.

However you took it, I want you to know I didn't mean to piss you off.

I wanted to meet you, and I guess...

I guess I'm not real smooth sometimes.

Let me make it up to you.

Excuse me, Miss. Is everything all right?

So, what do you do for a living, Rosemary?

I'm actually volunteering at the hospital right now,

cos I'm waiting for this re-up thing to come through.

Re-up? What, are you in the army?

- Peace Corps. - Peace Corps. Wow.

That's very altrudocious of you.

"Altrudocious"? That's not a word.

Oh! You mean humanidocious, right?

- Yeah. That's the one. - All right. Ready to order?

Yeah.

Can I get a double pizza burger, chili fries with cheese and a large chocolate milkshake?

Nicely done. I'll have the exact same thing.

You got it.

I am impressed. It's nice to see a girl order a real meal.

I hate it when you guys order a glass of water and a crouton.

It ruins the whole point of goin' out.

That's probably what I should be ordering.

But, I don't know, no matter what I eat, my weightjust seems to stay the same.

So I figure, what the hell? I'm gonna eat what I want.

Totally. If you can get away with it, more power to ya.

- Don't be a smart ass. - What are you...? What?

No, I'm just saying, you know.

I feel bad for people who count calories. It's no way to live.

Yeah. But in return they get to be a lot thinner than I am.

Are you out of your mind? What do you weigh? 110, 115 pounds?

Which one of my butt cheeks are you talking about?

OK.

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Trust me, whatever you're doin', it's working. It is working.

Go on.

Oh, my God! Are you OK?

Oops.

- Goddang it. - Don't move. Is your back all right?

- Yeah. - Is she all right?

Yeah. You gotta get some decent chairs in here, man.

What's this shit made out of, anyway?

Steel.

Yeah? Well, you should get it welded better in the corners!

- All right. - Rosemary, you sure you're OK?

Yeah. I'm a little embarrassed, but it's happened before, it'll happen again.

Oh, man. I...

Don't be embarrassed. Listen, I beef it. Everybody beefs it.

Looks like we're too late. The food's probably all gone.

- Listen, can you wait here one second? - Hal, just let it go.

Nah. Nah.

Hal.

You guys are so funny, making fun of me cos I'm a little pudgy, right?

- No, I wasn't making fun of you. I was... - Do me a favor. Take a look out the window.

You see that little fox out there? You see that little number? She's with me.

If you took all the women you two have ever gone out with, they wouldn't equal one of her.

- We're not arguing that. - No.

That's right. Laugh it up, fellas.

And tonight, when you're hugging your pillow, remember, I'm with her.

All right? That's it.

What happened?

Well, let's just say the score's Hal two, mall rats zero.

Let me walk you to your car.

- Well, thanks for lunch, Hal. - My pleasure, Rosie.

- My mother calls me Rosie. - Really?

Yeah.

Gentlemen, can I interest you in some chili fries and half a burger?

There's a lot left cos the little guy couldn't finish his meal.

- Hey, hey. - Pussy.

- That was nice of you. - Well, you're all right in my book, too, Hal.

- Can I have your number? - What number?

Your PIN number. I want your money.

Your phone number. What do you think?

Why?

You know, to go out. Maybe, like, tomorrow.

Well, yeah.

I mean, sure. It's in the book under Rosemary Shanahan.

- I can write it down. It's S-h-a... - No, I'll remember it.

- My boss's name is Steve Shanahan. - That's my father's name.

Not JPS Steve Shanahan?

Yeah. Yeah.

Your father is my boss. I mean, not my boss, but he's my boss's boss.

I mean, I don't know him, but I see him around the office.

Well, then you won't forget my name.

- Hal? - Yeah?

If I don't hear from you, I appreciate everything anyway.

Cuckoo!

You sure you don't want a dog?

Yeah, yeah. I'm tryin' to lose a couple of LBs.

- Since when do you care about your gut? - I don't really, but...

I am a little nervous because of this girl who's coming to meet me.

- She's incredible. - Uh-huh?

Like the ones on the dance floor?

Even better, buddy. I'm telling ya, it's almost beyond belief.

She's funny, she's smart, she teaches self-esteem to sick kids...

I would never believe a girl as beautiful could have such a great personality.

- Ugly-duckling syndrome. - What?

She probably wasn't pretty till high school. The personality developed out of necessity.

You know what? I bet you're right. She's way too pretty to be so nice.

Sometimes they're ugly so long, when they turn pretty, they don't realize it.

The ugly self-image is so well ingrained. That's a real find.

- Hey! - Hey!

I've been looking for you.

Oh, shit. Oh, it's Lindy. The girl with the toe.

- Hey. - How ya doing?

Good. Did you get my message?

No, no. My phone machine's not really working there. Did you call?

- I got tickets for that Beatles reunion. - The Beatles?

Yeah. Well, not the real Beatles, but Paul, George and Ringo will be there.

But Eric Clapton is filling in for John. It's an invitation-only acoustic set.

- Only about 70 people, tops. - Oh, man.

So you're in?

No. Not a Clapton fan.

I think I'll pass.

OK. Well, I guess I'll see ya.

- Yeah, yeah. - Bye, Lindy.

- Did you see the toe? - Mauricio, I gotta tell you, you got issues.

- Don't even get me started. - Oh, my God. There she is.

There's Rosemary.

- Where? - Right there.

- Right where? - Straight ahead. Across the field.

- Is she behind the rhino? - She's right there!

Mauricio, I want you to meet someone.

This is Rosemary Shanahan. Rosemary, Mauricio Wilson.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Holy cow. I mean, uh... hi.

- Is that a Members Only jacket? - Yes. Yes, it is.

So, what are you, like, the last member?

Oh, man.

One-nothing Rosemary.

Excuse me forjust one second. Hello?

Oh, hi, Mom. Yeah, hold on.

- Will you guys excuse me? - Want something from the snack bar?

Yeah, get me a beer and nachos with all the stuff on it.

You got it.

- Does she take the cake or what? - She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

- I told you. - Yes, you did. And yet I wasn't prepared.

- So, what are you up for? - I don't know. I like the track.

Ah, so she's a gambler.

Yeah, well, just the dogs.

I hate the ponies. There's too much human involvement, you know?

You can't trust people if you're looking for a fair deal.

- What about you? Do you gamble? - No, not really.

I bet on pro football now and then, butjust to make the games more exciting.

- I don't really care if I win. - Huh.

- I've never read that book. - What book?

Things Losers Say,

Hey, why don't we forget the track, and I'll introduce you to some good friends of mine?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- All right. - What do you say?

- I say OK. - You say OK?

Hi, guys. I want you to meet a very good friend of mine. OK?

This guy here is Hal. And he's really funny.

Hi.

How ya doing? Good to meet ya.

Hey. Wow. Oh, my God. Look at that face.

She should be doing Keebler commercials. You're the cutest thing I've ever seen.

- What's your name, beautiful? - Cadence.

Cadence. That's a pretty name. You know, my uncle's name is Cadence.

Well, I got news for you, Cadence.

I'm not putting you down until the cows come home.

Put her down.

The cow came home.

What is he doing here? These aren't visiting hours.

Oh, Nurse Peeler, we were just coming by to say hi to the kids.

Fine. Pack it up.

And get these patients back in their beds.

- Should we get going? - Don't pay any attention to Nurse Sourpuss.

Sourpuss.

Hey! I got an idea. Do you guys wanna play the kissing game?

- Yeah? - You want me to go get a bottle?

This is how we play. Wanna get the lipstick?

- Get lipstick. - Yeah, OK.

What we do is, we put on the lipstick,

and then the kisser kisses as many times as they can until the lipstick comes off.

Cool! I wanna go first.

- Then I'm going last. - Jesse.

- Hey, they don't have anything I can catch? - They don't have anything you can catch.

I didn't think so. You guys don't even look sick.

You're just a bunch of phonies like my Uncle Cadence.

I bet you're here just so you can get out of school. Is that right?

- Yeah. - Give me some of that lipstick.

You were incredible in there. You were. You were so amazing.

I'm serious. A lot of people get really squeamish in that situation...

- Rosemary? Is that you? - Dr Sayed! How's it going?

- Good. Who's this? - This is my friend Hal.

- Good to meet you. - Be nice to her. She's a good girl.

- All right. - Bye, Rosemary.

That's what these kids need -

a stranger who isn't afraid to just be with them and play with them.

- That's what builds their self-confidence. - Why would anybody be afraid of 'em?

You are off-the-charts adorable. Do you know that?

Come on.

- This is a nice street you live on. - Yeah, this is my street.

- You wanna come up? - Yeah. But I don't think I should.

Why not? It's only 9 o'clock.

- I know. I just don't think it's a good idea. - Oh, no. Did I do something?

No. You've been really cool.

- Hi, Hal. - Oh, hey, Jill.

- Rosemary, this is my neighbor Jill. - Hi. Nice...

- Sorry. - Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too, Jill.

I gotta go and meet some friends, so I'll see you guys later.

- Bye. - Bye.

Come up.

- No. - What?

I thought we were having a good time.

We were. It's just, you know, Hal, I'm not used to all this.

Used to what?

Hal, you've been really nice to me today. I really appreciate it, but...

What, your other boyfriends aren't nice to you?

- I don't have other boyfriends. - Bullshit.

Well, I had one boyfriend.

It was kind of recently, actually, but it didn't work out.

- You've been burnt, huh? - No.

That's just it. I've never been close enough to anybody to get burnt.

Please! With a mug like that? You must be fighting 'em off daily.

Right. I mean, I saw the way your friend Mauricio looked at me.

I thought he was gonna shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and tag my ear.

Don't worry. He's been acting really weird lately, especially around really pretty girls.

Hal, do me a favor and stop saying that I'm pretty and that I'm not fat, OK?

Cos it makes me uncomfortable.

OK. You have a problem with compliments?

Look... I know what I am and I know what I'm not.

I'm the girl who gets really good grades and is not afraid to be funny.

And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys, and no boyfriends.

I'm not beautiful, OK? And I never will be.

And I'm fine with that. You know?

But when you go around saying that I'm something that I'm not,

it's just... It's not nice.

Whoa, Rosemary.

You're starting to scare me. I mean, I really like you,

but I have to assume you're a little nutty if you really believe you're not beautiful.

Grow up, Hal.

Rosie. Wait a second.

Well, it was too good to be true.

Rosemary. Turned out to be a total psycho.

Her self-image is so far off, it's scary.

Well, maybe you had a little something to do with that.

What are you talking about? All I ever did was tell her how perfect she was.

Really?

Yeah. Then she got all huffy and told me to grow up.

Well, that's probably good advice. You are kind of immature.

You're not serious. You actually think you're more mature than me?

You're right. I'm probably more immature than you, but at least I have a bigger willie.

Yeah, bigger than a mouse's.

- What the hell was that? - I said your willie's...

I heard what you said, but it took you, like, eight seconds.

You can't come back with a comeback after eight seconds. You got three. Five, tops.

That's why they call it a quip. Not a "slowp."

All right, you got anything better to read? I gotta fire off a missile.

Hi.

- Is this a bad time, or...? - No.

I just wanted to apologize for last night.

- You don't have to apologize. - Yeah, I do.

I called you, like, immature or sophomoric or something like that. I know you're not...

Oh, my God, Hal! You gotta get in here and look at this turd!

It looks just like Klinger from M*A*S*H,

- Why don't we get outta here? - OK.

Coffee?

Excuse me. Are you ready to order?

Yes. Two double cheeseburgers with bacon, one with relish. Thank you.

- Are you OK? - Brain freeze.

Excuse me, sweetie. Professional.

Hey, Billy, stay over near the ladder.

Weak. So weak.

You wanna see a splash? I'm gonna show you a splash. Ready?

- That was good? - Billy?

Billy? Billy? Billy!

Daddy!

Sorry.

- What's the matter? - I should have changed at the beach.

What? Are you crazy? You look great.

I don't normally dress like this around my parents.

Hey, hey, come on. I'm the one who should be nervous here, not you.

Hey, you know, I've been meaning to ask you. Were you adopted?

No. Why?

Cos your dad has that weird accent.

And I've seen him around the office. I gotta say, I don't see the slightest resemblance.

Really? Everybody says if you put a wig on him, he'd lookjust like me.

Look at who's here now. Come here, my darlin'.

Hi, Daddy.

- Rosie, honey. - Mom.

Good to see ya.

This is Hal Larson, the guy I was telling you about.

- Great to meet you, sir. - Likewise.

- Nice to meet you, Hal. - The pleasure is mine, Mrs Shanahan.

Wow. I can see where Rosemary gets her figure.

What the hell... What the hell is that you've got on?

We were at the beach.

Won't you be putting something else on, darlin'?

Oh, come on. She doesn't have to do that for me. Let's just keep it casual.

Casual.

Hey, Dad, Hal's one of your great untapped resources down at the company.

- Why don't you tell him some of your ideas? - Oh, so you've got a few ideas, do ya?

It is risky, but the rewards are greater, too.

Only a company with a solid reputation like JPS could ever market this product.

- Hal, let me take your plate. - Thank you. It was delicious.

- Can I get you boys some coffee? - I'd love a cup of tea, darlin'.

Maybe just a drop of the hard stuff.

Yeah, I'll just have a cup of joe. That'd be great. Thanks.

I have to say, Hal, I'm impressed with a lot of your ideas.

Some of them are dogshit, but for the most part you seem to have done your homework.

- So I'd like you to do something for me. - OK.

I'm meeting with me executive committee Monday morning,

and I'd like you to make a presentation.

- Seriously? - Well, nothing fancy, you understand.

Just talk about the same things that you talked about here tonight.

Great. I'd love to.

Oh, and by the way, you can cut out the act now.

Excuse me?

You think I got as far as I did in me life by bein' a fool?

Now, you've got ambition, Hal, and I admire that.

Hell, I wish I had a hundred more like yourself.

We'd be the number one firm in the country.

And me daughter would get a hell of a lot more dates.

I'm sure Rosemary doesn't have any problem getting dates.

I told you to cut the shit out, all right?

Look, Rosemary's me daughter, and God knows I love her dearly.

But I think we both know that we won't soon be seeing her twirlin' the baton,

marching along with the Dallas cheerleaders.

I don't understand.

I'm telling the truth, Hal.

And the truth is I haven't been able to bounce me daughter on me knee since she was two.

You know, I've read about people like you.

- People like me? - Superachievers with impossible standards.

Nothing's ever good enough. Nothing ever measures up.

It never occurs to you that your kids are people, with their own feelings.

You think they're an extension of you, like your company,

or your $20-million Learjet and your Picasso out in the front hall.

Everything reflects on you, so nothing and no one is ever good enough.

Go on.

When I first met Rosemary, she told me she knew she wasn't that good-looking.

I could not believe my ears. I thought how can a person this beautiful

possibly interpret what she sees in the mirror to be anything other than that?

Well, now I know.

Is everything OK?

Yeah, everything is fine. Just fine.

What?

Nothin'.

I just can't believe how lucky I am.

You swear to God you're not gonna laugh?

Come on, I'm not gonna laugh.

Daddy like.

What in the...? How did...?

Get over here, Houdini.

Hi.

Yes, I am.

Everything's so perfect.

- It's a little scary. - I know.

But in a good way.

To have so much to lose. That's nice.

- I'm gonna call you later. - OK.

Bye.

Forget something?

Oh, hey.

Hi. I'm glad I caught you before you went to work.

What's up?

I was wondering if you wanted to come over tonight,

open a bottle of wine, maybe watch a video?

Nah. Thanks, though.

And in summation, I feel that these measures will help JPS and all of our customers.

- Nice job, Hal. - Thank you.

- Nicely done. - I appreciate it.

- Hal, I stand corrected. - Thank you.

Hal, I need to see you in me office straight away.

Sure.

Sit yourself down.

So, what'd you think?

I'll be gettin' to that in a minute.

I want to talk to you about that conversation we had the other night,

and all of them things you said to me.

Well, I'm more than just a little embarrassed, having said what I said.

I think me daughter is lucky to have you.

No, sir. I'm the lucky one.

Indeed.

Well, now, as to your meeting in there, sure, it was first-rate.

- Yeah? - Oh, yes.

Hal, I'm gonna level with you.

- I need your balls. - Sir?

I need a man around that can give it to me straight, you know?

Whether the news be good or bad.

So I've decided - from now on, you'll be working directly for me.

I don't know what to say, but thank you.

Well, a thank you will do just fine.

Well, get the out.

OK.

Congratulations on your promot...

- Oh, sorry. - No, no. Come in, come in.

I want you to meet Rosemary. Rosemary, this is Jen and Artie. Kids, Rosemary Shanahan.

As in Steve?

Yeah, he's my dad. Oh, God, which reminds me, I gotta meet him for lunch.

So I'll see you this weekend, OK?

It was really nice to meet you guys. Do you mind if I take a little sliver?

Beauty.

Do you want a plate?

I know what you're thinking. Where does she put it, right?

You guys, thanks for the cake. You didn't have to do this.

The least we could do, seeing as how you worked so hard

to become "indispensable" to the company.

Is that that new thing called sarcasm?

Hal, we all know you're about as deep as a puddle. That used to be part of your charm.

- But this just flat-out sucks. - What are you talking about?

If you have one ounce of integrity left, you'll break it off immediately,

before you hurt the poor girl.

I gotta give you credit for being more proactive and starting to meet women.

Who knows? Maybe you are on a roll here,

but don't you think it's time to raise the bar a little?

I mean, at first I thought you were in a slump, you know?

I could, as a friend, look the other way while you banged a few fatties

and got it out of your system, but there's lots of good fish out there.

You don't have to snack on carp anymore.

I suppose the girls we partied with a couple weeks ago downtown were a couple of carp?

No. Laura, the one with the whiskers, she looked more like a catfish.

Oh, I see. And what about Marie?

Pop some bolts on her neck and the villagers'll be chasing her.

- And Vicki? - Who?

- Vicki! - Who's Vicki?

Vicki Vicki. With the short brown hair.

Vicki? I thought that was a guy. I was calling her Vic!

- You're out of your mind! - I know I'm being a little harsh on you here.

I think real friends are obligated to be honest with each other.

And this one that you're dating now -jeez.

Careful. www.130q.com

Hey, all I'm saying is she's got cankles, for God's sake.

- What? - Cankles! She's got no ankles.

It's like the calf merged with the foot, cut out the middleman.

I know what cankles are. Rosemary doesn't have 'em.

You know what? I know what you're doing here.

- You're scared. - Scared?

Yup. This is exactly what you did with the knockout with the weird toe.

You're just inventing reasons to dump girls cos you're afraid.

All right, look, I admit Rosemary is kind of cool.

But you wouldn't even be talking to that woolly mammoth

if her father wasn't the president of your company.

What?

I guarantee you've never met anyone like this guy. You're gonna love him.

- Great. What's his girlfriend like? - I don't know. I haven't met her.

They just started going out. Oh, there he is.

Walt!

At your cervix!

Hey, you recognize these panties?

Rosemary, don't steal my lines.

- You two know each other? - Yeah!

Gosh, Walt's been volunteering down at the hospital for years.

So where's this mystery girl?

She should be here any minute.

Hey...

I want you to be honest. Is this outfit too "Hey, look at me"?

No, no. It's very subtle.

- Sorry I'm late. - Tanya.

Oh. What a surprise.

- I gotta get a map. - I'm going with you.

What are those for?

You ever walked through a truck-stop men's room on your hands?

- Want anything? - Potato chips. And dip.

Cut it out.

So, Tanya, I had no idea that you and Walt were, you know, seeing each other.

Yeah. You got a light?

It's actually a very funny story. Because he had been asking me out for a really long time

and I was always kind of unavailable.

And then just when he had given up, I broke up with my boyfriend, and there he was.

So I asked him out.

So he kind of grew on you, huh?

Exactly. I mean, you gotta admit,

when you first meet him, it is kind ofjarring.

I mean, you kinda don't even know what goes where.

But, anyway, the timing couldn't have been more perfect,

because he had just sold his company, and he has all this time on his hands,

and we can plan things

and travel and go shopping and...

Well, I guess timing's everything.

Hope you like bean dip.

Yeah! That was my girl.

Oh, my God. I'm the biggest nerd.

- Rosemary! - Ralph!

Hi.

You remember Li'iBoy?

Li'iBoy. Yeah. How are you?

- Mahalo, Rosemary. - How you doing?

- Great. - Wow.

- They still got you out in Sierra Leone? - No, no. Now they got me nearer my home.

I'm on this island in the South Pacific called Carabas.

- I'm Hal. - Oh, I'm sorry. Hal.

These are my Peace Corps buddies. This is Ralph Owens and Li'iBoy. This is Hal Larson.

- What's up? - Li'iBoy.

So, what are you guys doing up here?

Li'iBoy's been stuck in the office training for 30 days,

so I dragged him here and threw him on the slopes.

It wasn't pretty.

I knew this Hawaiian guy in high school who went out for the hockey team.

It was funny as shit.

Anyway, it's great to see you again.

You look happy.

Thanks. I am.

Well, we got a long drive back, so...

- Bye. - Bye.

Good to meet ya.

- You OK? - Uh-huh.

It's just that... Do you remember how I told you that once I had a boyfriend?

That was him.

You're welcome.

What's your name?

Excuse me, Mr Robbins. Could I have a word with you, sir?

- Sure, but I gotta catch a plane. - It'll only take a minute.

A few weeks ago, you got trapped in an elevator with a friend of mine.

Hal! He was a great guy. He was having trouble with his relationships. How is he?

- Well, that's a matter of debate. - Really?

Anyway, apparently, you gave him, like, a pep talk,

and now he's under the impression that he can get any woman he wants.

- And you don't think he can? - I don't know. Whatever.

But, see, the point is, lately the only women he wants are ugly.

- Who says they're ugly? - Bausch & Lomb.

And very fat, some of them. It's like Hal has lowered his whole...

Jesus, you've got a big noggin.

Thanks for noticing. My new book has a chapter on blurting.

- You might wanna pick it up. - Yeah, I'll check into that.

Anyway, I mean, did something go wrong here?

Or is my friend having a nervous breakdown?

No. Haven't you ever heard the phrase "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"?

Yeah. Did you ever hear the song "Who Let The Dogs Out"?

- It can't be that bad. - Look, exactly what did you do to him, man?

I altered his perception a little bit.

I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!

- You messed with his eyesight, right? - No.

- You hypnotized him. - No. I dehypnotized him.

He's been hypnotized his whole life, totally focused on the outside.

I helped him to see the inner beauty in everyone,

including people you think are not physically attractive.

How can he see their inner beauty when he doesn't even know them?

Inner beauty's easy to see when you're looking for it.

But how can he not feel them when he's...?

The brain sees what the heart wants it to feel.

All right, look. Let's just cut through the old crapcake here!

OK.

Sir, don't you think it's wrong to brainwash someone?

Don't you think you're brainwashed?

Everything you know about beauty is programmed. TV, magazines, movies.

They're all telling you what's beautiful and what isn't. How's this any different?

Look, I didn't come here to debate you! I just want my friend back!

Now, isn't there some kind of word or phrase or something to take the whammy off him?!

Of course. But if we do that, he'll go back to judging everybody by the outside.

- Is this what he really wants? - I don't care what he wants!

It's what I want! I want my friend back!

I gotta go. I gotta catch my plane. I'm really sorry.

Look, a man's reputation, dignity and furniture are being trashed here!

Perhaps irreparably! For God's sakes, his job is in jeopardy!

- His job? Really? - Yes. And it's a greatjob.

I just wanted to give him a gift. I didn't want him to get hurt.

You seem to know him better than I do, so...

- It's a shame to let it go. - Oh, it's a tragedy.

So, what did you wanna talk to me about?

- Ralph called me. - Your old boyfriend Ralph?

Well, he was also my division leader in Sierra Leone.

Anyway, he's shipping out to Carabas in ten days and he wants me to go with his group.

What? You and Ralph? Carabas?

They're in the middle of this economic meltdown.

100,000 women and children need medical supplies and food, and they want me to help.

How can you be so selfish?

Sorry?

I mean, you know what I'm sayin'. You bump into pretty-boy Ralph on Friday,

the sparks are flying, and now you're gonna go and save the world in Carabas?

- This has nothing to do with me and Ralph. - Yeah, right.

He's obviously crazy about you.

He's got the heart of a saint.

I could practically see the halo around his head. I can't compete with that.

OK, first of all, you're probably the only person in the Free World

to ever refer to Ralph as a "pretty-boy."

Secondly, that halo around his head, it's called psoriasis.

You can't stand within three feet without getting flaked on.

And thirdly, and fourthly, yes, he's a great guy and he cares about me,

but he had no sense of humor.

And I'm in love with an even greater guy.

Well, then how come I don't have any say in this thing?

You do. That's why...

God, are you OK?

- Oh, my God. I am so sorry. - You should be sorry! This is an outrage!

- I'll go get help. - Are you OK, sweetie?

Thank you very much.

- I'm so embarrassed. - Don't be.

It's this flimsy-ass four-star restaurant.

Just sit right here. I'm gonna go talk to the manager, OK?

I'll be right back.

Good night. Thank you.

I'm not blaming you, but I need a chair. My girlfriend's jinxed when it comes to furniture.

I'm so sorry. The waiter told me what happened.

Just a sec. Mclntosh's.

Hello?

- Shallow Hal wants a gal, - What?

Shallow Hal wants a gal.

- What the hell are you talking about? - I just saved your life, baby.

- What? - I've been looking for you all day.

I'm at Mclntosh's with Rosemary. Look, I got kind of a...

- Are you looking right at her? - No, I'm talking to the hostess.

Hal, don't! Hal...

- Look, I got a situation here. I'll call you later. - Look away!

- I was just talking to the hostess. - Right. That would be me.

No, no. It was the other hostess.

Sir, I'm the only hostess in the restaurant.

Let me apologize about the booth. We are so sorry.

We've replaced your date's side with a new chair, a strong one, and the meal's on us.

Oh, OK. Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

Excuse me. Did you move us?

No. Second table on the right.

Well, then maybe you can explain to me why that robust woman

is eating my girlfriend's din...

Hey! Now she's eating my clams casino!

Sweetie, are you OK?

Excuse me.

Mclntosh's. Tiffany.

OK.

We're two friends walking. We're just walking.

And then Robbins confirmed exactly what I thought.

- Which is? - You weren't irresistible to women.

He hypnotized you so that really ugly girls that you met from then on

- would, to you, look like supermodels. - What?

If they had inner beauty or some baloney. You could get any woman you desired

because you were suddenly desiring the undesirable.

- You get it? - No, not exactly.

Let me put it this way. It's like he gave you beer-goggle laser surgery.

Now wait a second. So what you're saying

is that all the pretty girls I've met lately are not really pretty?

All right. Let's look at the facts.

They were funny, smart and nice.

Pretty girls are not funny! And they're certainly not nice. Not to us.

When I found out what Robbins was doing, I convinced him to take the trance away.

When I said "Shallow Hal wants a gal," you were cured.

You're out of your mind. Do you know that? I'm going back to the restaurant.

- Hal. Hal, come on. - Hey, Hal!

You never called me back. What happened to you?

- Excuse me? - Oh.

I've got my hair back.

It's me - Katrina.

We shared the cab together.

I'm in town taking care of my grandma, Cos she's been sick, and...

Oh, wait a minute! I get it!

Nice try, Mauricio. Where'd you find this one?

No, it's me - Katrina.

From Boston. The magical fruit?

Yes, I remember Katrina. But the thing is, you're not Ka...

I never told you about K...

Katrina! How the heck are ya? Give me some sugar.

I didn't recognize you. The hair and the...

You screwed me, man! I had a beautiful, caring, funny, intelligent woman,

and you made her disappear!

Oh, no, I didn't. I just made Rosemary appear. There's a difference. It's called reality.

Hey, if you can see something and hear it and smell it, what keeps it from being real?

Third-party perspective.

Other people agreeing that it's real.

OK, let me ask you a question. Who's the all-time love of your life?

Wonder Woman.

OK. Let's say Wonder Woman falls in love with you, right?

Would it bother you if the rest of the world didn't find her attractive?

Not at all. Cos I know they'd be wrong.

That's what I had with Rosemary!

I saw a knockout! I don't care what anybody else saw!

Jeez, I never thought about it that way.

- Hey, I guess I really did screw you, huh? - What am I gonna do?

Hey, hey, don't panic. We just get Tony Robbins back here,

he puts the Vulcan mind-meld on ya and he puts you back under.

Good idea.

- In the meantime you just avoid Rosemary. - Why?

Because if you see the real Rosemary, hypnosis is not gonna help you.

You'll need the jaws of life to get that image out of your head.

Hal, open up. It's me.

I hear you in there.

Just a sec, Rosemary.

What happened to you at the restaurant?

I got something in my eye. I had to run back here and flush it out.

Yeah, the hostess said that you seemed a little cuckoo.

- So, come on, open up. - I can't.

- Let her in. We'll club her. - No.

I'm...

I'm very sick.

I've got, uh...

- CC! - You have what?

Contagious conjunctivitis.

I'll take my chances. Now open up.

All right. In a minute.

I told you it was nasty.

Are you OK? Do you need to go to the hospital?

Nah, nah. I got some drops. I'll be fine.

- My poor baby. - Yeah.

Well, I should probably rack out. This has taken a lot out of me.

OK.

Well, I'll call you in the morning and see how you're doing.

Great, great. Bye-bye.

Hal, is everything all right with you?

Yeah. Yeah, it's topnotch, sir.

Why?

Well, it's just that Rosemary's been telling me

that she's having a bit of trouble getting you on the telephone the last couple of days.

Now, I wouldn't be working you too hard, would I?

No. I mean, I'm working hard,

but I guess I've just been a little preoccupied with things.

But I'll make sure and touch base with her.

Right. Right.

OK, then.

I'm sorry. Apparently Tony Robbins is a lot tougher to track down than I thought he'd be.

- I'll come through. I promise. - I can't keep this up, man.

Calm down.

I don't know, Mauricio. Maybe I should just see her.

I mean, I do have,

you know, the heart thing.

Maybe that's enough to overcome her appearance.

It could be like in that movie - The Crying Game,

When the guy fell in love with a beautiful woman?

And then when he found out it was a guy, it didn't matter, cos he already loved her.

Hal, if a set of hairy boys was your biggest hurdle here, I'd say go for it.

- Hello? - Hey, it's me,

Hey, what's up, Rosemary?

- What happened yesterday? - Hm?

Well, I stopped by your office to say hi, but you just took off running.

- Oh, you're kidding. - No,

- What were you doing? - I was jogging,

- In your business suit? - I had a sweat suit underneath.

Is everything...?

What's going on, Hal?

Things haven't felt the same lately.

- No? - No.

Hey, Rosemary, don't worry. Everything...

I'm just in a little funk right now, and everything's gonna be fine.

Yeah. So...

I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow?

Bye.

Bye.

- Who is it? - Hal, is that you? It's Jill.

Comin'.

Hey, what's up?

Hey. My girlfriend just bailed on me,

and I was wondering if I could take you out to dinner.

I'm sorry. Tonight's not good.

Don't be such a stiff. There's some stuff I wanna talk to you about.

- No, really, I can't. - Please? We'll go outjust as friends.

Oh, come on. You gotta eat, don't you?

- Can I ask you something, Jill? - Yeah.

Why the sudden thaw?

Well, I've been thinking a lot.

Hal, I made a mistake. I never should have broken it off with you.

Well, you didn't really break it off. We only had that one date.

Besides, you did the right thing. We didn't have anything in common, remember?

But that was my fault. I shut you out emotionally.

We could have had more things in common if I'd wanted to.

- Mr Shanahan, how are you this evening? - How am I?

Tonight I feel like a thorn amongst a bed of roses.

- Your table's ready. John'll seat you. - Right this way, please.

- I'm just gonna go to the ladies' room. - OK, Rosie. We'll be at the table.

Yeah. See, why did you shut me out in the first place? I'm just curious.

Well, frankly, I guess I thought you were shallow.

Me?

Yeah. You struck me as this kind of superficial dickwad.

I don't know. What do you call it?

Hal, it's OK.

I've been watching you in the past few weeks. I've seen the women you've been out with.

And now I know appearances mean absolutely nothing to you.

If anything, you're pathologically unshallow.

- I don't know about that. - It's true.

Listen, I have an idea.

Why don't we get all this food to go?

- Why? - Because it'll taste a lot better in bed.

You know, there are a few times in a guy's life -

and I mean two or three, tops -

when he comes to a crossroads, and he's gotta decide.

If he goes one way, he can continue what he's doing and be with any girl who will have him,

and if he goes the other way, he gets to be with only one woman,

maybe for the rest of his life.

It seems like by taking the second road, he's missing out on a lot.

But the truth is, he gets much more in return.

He gets to be happy. Are you wearing panties?

God! What am I saying? No!

No, I'm sorry. Jill, this isn't gonna happen. I...

I think I'm gonna go down that other road for once.

- Hi. - Hello.

Hello?

Hey, hey, hey now. It's me, your love bunny.

I miss you and I wanna see you,

What's the matter? You sound upset,

What are you, some kind of psycho?

Hello? Rosie?

Just you leave me daughter alone.

- I don't understand. - The jig is up, and she knows it.

Well, she hasn't returned my calls. What's going on?

It's a little late to be worrying about that now, don't you think?

Besides, she went and accepted that Peace Corps assignment.

No offense, but I think I have a right to hear this from her.

I'll give you your rights.

I'll give you your last rites, you self-righteous little shit!

You know, I wanted to like you. I truly did.

And all of that malarkey that you gave me that night at the house. I bought into it.

In spite of all me better instincts, I took the hook.

I don't know. Maybe I share in the blame of it all.

Maybe I just wanted to believe that there was still a decent guy out there.

A lad that would be right for me daughter.

- But, sir... - Don't speak. Just you listen!

Now, thankfully, as it turns out, there is a guy out there.

- His name is Ralph Owens. - Ral... Pretty-boy Ralph?

Don't be a smart ass. Now you listen to me.

They're back together, and me daughter has a chance to be happy.

And you, you'll be respectin' that.

Excuse me. Could you tell me what floor Rosemary Shanahan works on?

I think she's up in Pediatrics.

- Yeah. That's third floor. - Thank you.

Hal, is that you?

Hey.

- What are you doing here? - I...

I came to see Rosemary.

Well, she left early. She seemed upset about something.

- Any idea where she went? - You got me.

Hi, Hal.

Hi.

- How do you know my name? - It's me - Cadence.

Oh, hi, Cadence.

How are you, beautiful?

How come you haven't come back to see us?

Well, me and Rosemary have been having some problems.

- I was really stupid. - Oh.

Well, why don't you go buy her a present and then maybe you can make up?

You were right.

In the gym last week when you said I was scared of women, you were right.

- Nah, I didn't mean that. I was just... - No, come on, Hal. It's the truth.

I'm terrified of 'em.

I haven't been close to a woman my whole life.

I'm a coward, all right?

But why? I mean, look at you. You're a mountain of a man.

You got more style than Mr Blackwell. You're pulling in what - 28, 29 Gs a year?

- 29,500. - You're the perfect catch!

I know, I know. It's crazy.

I just have this thing.

What thing?

It's kind of a birth defect thing.

Jeez, man. I didn't know.

- What is it? - I have a tail.

- A tail. - What do you mean, like a story?

No, a tail. It's like a waggy tail.

My backbone is longer than it's supposed to be.

It's like a genetic abnormality. It's a vestigial tail.

- You do not. - Yeah, I do.

Get out!

If I can't even get my best friend to accept it, how am I supposed to expect a woman to?

Wait a second. Are you for real? Cos if you are, I gotta see this.

- No, you don't wanna see it. - No, I don't wanna. I gotta.

- Good Lord! - All right, you believe me now?

Oh, man. It really does wag.

Only when I'm nervous, or happy.

Wow.

Have you ever thought about, you know, maybe getting it cut off?

Cut off? I don't know why I never thought of that

when I was getting pummeled in gym class by a bunch of barking seniors!

- All right, calm down, calm down. - God!

The damn thing is wrapped around an artery! No doctor will touch it!

Well, it's not so bad.

I guarantee you there are some girls who would think it was adorable.

Like a little puppy dog.

Really? You think it's like a puppy dog?

It's cute as a button.

- Do you wanna pet the little fella? - No!

But, you know, I'm not much of a dog person.

By the way, you're gonna need a little sod on the fairway there.

Huh? What do you mean?

So, what are you doing right now?

- Nothing. Why? - Can I get a lift? I gotta go see someone.

Yeah. Sure.

Seems like longer than forever, yeah

My home is now a distant land

If I had one wish, I wish you could be

Back on that rock in the middle of the sea

My heart is calling me to the islands

My home is now a distant land

If I had one wish, I wish I could be

Back on that rock

Hey! Hal, right?

- Have we met? - It's me, Li'iBoy.

I met you up in the mountains with Ralph.

- Oh, yeah, Li'iBoy. How ya doing? - Yeah.

- You look like you been working out. - Nah.

So, do you know if Ralph is in the office?

Yeah. Ralph!

Hal! Hey, Hal.

Hey. How ya doin'?

I'm doing great. You're looking good. So, what can I do you for?

- I came here to congratulate you. - On...?

Look,

you got a great girl, and you deserve her.

More than me. And the truth is, I'm happy for Rosemary.

But I want you to understand one thing. You better be good to her, Ralph.

Ralph, if you ever mess up and make her unhappy,

I'll be waiting in the wings, and I'll pounce on you. Like a tiger!

Like a tiger on a deer, with a cloven hoof and with a broken arm!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Hal. What are you talking about?

You're back together. Let's not play games.

- Rosemary and I aren't back together. - You're not?

Let's put it this way. Her parents are throwing a going-away party for her as we speak.

I wasn't even invited.

- This seems crazy. - Yeah. That's cos it is.

- But crazy's all you got. - Amen to that.

Good luck, Hal.

Well, I could use a drink. What do you say we slide around the side here?

Yeah, we'll blend in.

Yeah.

Hello?

- Rosie? - Excuse me. What are you...?

I love you. I'm not going anywhere until you hear me out.

What are you doing?

- Who are you? - Who am...?

Hal, are you drunk? It's me, Mrs Shanahan.

I have some things to say to your daughter. I'm not leaving here until I do.

OK. But could you release Helga so she can get back to work?

Get ready, Li'iBoy. It's showtime.

Well, Hal, now's your chance.

What are you doing here?

Oh, my God. You're beautiful.

You have no right to be here.

- Hal, come on. This isn't working out. - I'm OK.

What the hell are you doing here?

- I'm having a word with your daughter. - It better be "goodbye"!

- You've got her all up... - Steve! Shut up.

Rosemary, I am so sorry that I hurt you.

I've been really dumb.

I'm immature, I'm unthoughtful, I'm a friggin' idiot.

But I love you. You're the only girl I've ever loved.

And I just didn't want you to go away without knowing that.

You really hurt me.

I know. But if you'll let me, I wanna spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

Well, your timing is terrible.

I mean, I'm leaving for Carabas tonight for 14 months.

I'm sorry, Rosemary. I just can't wait that long.

I understand.

Which is why I'm going with you.

What?

It's true, Rosie. Big Kahuna here just swore him into the Corps about a half-hour ago.

That's right. He's official.

Are you sure that's what you wanna do?

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

- Here's your bag, Rosemary. - Thank you.

- Congratulations, Hal. - Thank you.

- Rosemary. - Bye.

Just keep it right there at the airport. I'll pick it up later. Congrats.

- We love you, Rosie. - I love you, Mom.

And, Rosemary, you'd better be looking after me lad.

I will.

Later, dudes!

Say bye-bye. Bye-bye.

You like puppy dogs, do ya?

Anything to do with dogs, I melt.

Why don't we go around back, get a little drink?

- Sure. - Yeah? Come on, big fella.

Hey, kid. How 'bout these Rossi boots? Do they fit like a glove or what?