Stealing Harvard script

People always talk about fate. Destiny.

I never used to believe in that. Some things are just out of your control.

Like my parents. They died when I was 1 8.

There was nothing I could do about that.

But was that fate?

Then you would have to say everything was fate.

Who you spend your life with.

What you end up doing for a living.

Is what happens prepackaged and served to me by a higher power?

I didn't think so, but there has to be some explanation.

Because my life was totally different a couple weeks ago.

- I went to the bank today. - Yeah?

- Have you checked our balance lately? - No.

- Wait. Did we? Did we do it? - We did it!

We have exactly $30,006.

We can get married!

Yes.

I know you thought it was silly to wait until we had this money...

...before we got married, but now we can put a payment on a house...

...we can plan a family... - Elaine was incredible.

I'm so happy.

Not here.

- You can kiss me at home. - Although she did have one odd habit.

She cried when we made love.

Very loud crying, which made it kind of tough to concentrate.

Are you okay?

- Bye, sweetie. - Bye.

She ran a gift-basket business. It was about to turn the corner.

And I was the assistant manager at Homespital...

...a store that sold medical supplies for the home.

I know it's a lot of money, sir, but it's a lot of chair.

- John? In my office. - Excuse me.

If there was one problem, it was that I worked for Elaine's father, Mr. Warner.

There always seemed to be an unspoken tension between us.

John-boy! Come on in. Sit down.

My little girl told me the big news.

- Well, I'm glad, John. I'm really glad. - Yes, sir!

He wasn't glad. He hated me.

I think he even trained his dog, Rex, to hate me too.

You're an honorable kid. You don't see that these days.

I appreciate that you have been true to your word to me...

...and that you have not slept with my daughter.

Have you slept with her, John?

- No, sir. - Okay, all right. I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna give you a few seconds of immunity.

If you've slept with her, tell me here, tell me now, and we'll let it go.

Have you slept with my daughter?

Mr. Warner, I have never slept with Elaine.

Good! Goddamn it, that's good.

If you had, I was gonna kick your balls into your head...

...and let them rattle in your skull like dice in a cup. Have a good one.

To be completely honest, he sort of gave me the creeps.

He had a slightly weird relationship with his daughter.

But aside from that and my job...

...life was pretty good.

- Hi. - Hi. John, look at this biscuit basket.

- Think the biscotti makes it look busy? - No, it looks great.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

It does look good. I'm proud of this basket.

- You should be. It's good work. - Thank you.

- We should head to my sister's soon. - Oh, yeah.

I'm not going.

Elaine never liked my sister, Patty.

Maybe it's because Patty was a free spirit.

I say free spirit because I'm uncomfortable calling her...

...ually indiscriminate trailer trash.

- Hey, Patty! - Where's Elaine?

Headache.

Poor thing. Probably from being such a bitch 24/7.

You know, she really likes you.

And I'm growing a dick, how about that?

Elaine wanted me to give you this gift basket.

God! Fantastic!

Because this one was starting to reek.

- Thanks. - I hope you didn't clean on my account.

Hey, you know what? It has been crazy around here, all right?

Both of the cats ran away. Both of them. Two cats, MIA.

- What would make them do that? - Self-respect?

- Hi, Uncle John! - Hey!

Noreen's my niece. We're not sure who her dad is...

...so I spent as much time with her as I could.

- Happy Halloween! - Hi! What are you?

I'm the Statue of Liberty.

You could say I'm the closest thing she has to a father figure.

- Good luck! - Thanks, Uncle John!

Come on! These carcasses don't move themselves.

And I'm proud to say, she turned out to be a great kid.

Genuine, hard-working...

...and in spite of everything that had happened around her, normal.

- Hi. - Why are we watching these?

We're celebrating. Noreen has news.

- Please tell me you're not pregnant. - Uncle John!

Here we go! Remember this?

Hi. Sorry I'm late. Traffic. Has the spelling bee started yet?

She's already out.

Got her on the first word. It was rigged. I'm writing a letter!

Noreen. I'm sorry.

- What was the word she misspelled? - Tarp.

- Tarp? - Yeah.

T-A-R-P?

Great. Where were you five minutes ago?

- I'm stupid. - No, you're not. You're smart.

- Yes. - You'll do great in school...

...you're gonna go to college, you're gonna be brilliant.

Well, Uncle John, you were half right.

I don't know if I'm brilliant, but guess who got into Harvard?

- I can't believe it! - What?

- I got accepted to Harvard University! - You're kidding!

That's what this is about? That's incredible!

- I know! - My little goddamned genius!

See? What did I tell you?

You work hard and follow your dreams, and things will always work out.

You were right.

- Bet you're sorry you promised. - What promise?

Wait! Here it comes. My favorite part.

I'm never gonna go into college now.

Yes, you will. I guarantee it.

I believe in you so much, know what I'm gonna do?

- What? - I'm paying for it.

You get into college, and I'll pay for it.

And that's a promise from your Uncle John.

I'll be right back.

Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!

You know, Noreen, a lot of kids are just taking a year off these days.

Ever think about that?

Traveling? Seeing Asia? Lot of people there. Must be something to it.

- Do you not want me to go to Harvard? - What? No!

I just think there's value to being on the road with nothing but $100.

Hell, I'll give you $100.

If it's about money, don't worry.

I've saved almost everything I've ever earned for this.

Plus, I get financial aid, so it's all pretty much paid for...

...except one little chunk. - Good!

- How much more money do you need? - $29,879.

That's the small chunk?

It's expensive.

Found one.

And we need the money by the 1 5th.

Yeah. There's our Mr. Biscuits.

I have to go. Yeah, he just walked in.

I didn't know how to do it, but I had to tell Elaine our house fund...

...had just become Noreen's college fund.

So how was Patty's?

Really nice.

- You know, Noreen's a great kid. - Yeah.

So much raw potential.

- Boy, with the right opportunities... - So I found this great house today.

What do you think?

It's great. It's a charming starter house on a spectacular tree-lined street...

...and it has hardwood cabinets. And I love it.

If you go by and like it too, then maybe we could...

Don't you think we're moving fast here?

John. I know it seems scary to be spending all this money on a house...

...but that's what we've been saving for.

My mom and dad fought about money, but that can't happen to us...

...because we have $30,000...

...for our house. Our home. Our future.

And no one can take that away from us.

That's what I meant.

So Noreen got into college, and Elaine had found our dream house.

These wonderful things were locked in a struggle for the same money.

Not $30, $30,000.

I had to try and borrow it.

- Hello, dear. - I called my Aunt Jean:

- No! - My Uncle Dave:

- No! - And my grandmother:

Who do you think I am? Albert ing Trump?

It was my last option. A man whose ideas were sometimes so dumb...

...they were brilliant. I had to go to Duff.

Hey, man, how you been?

John. Been almost two months. Did you disappear off the face of the earth?

- I've just been busy. - I've been busy...

...with my landscaping company, Landscape Escape.

Doesn't mean I have to go and disappear off the face of the earth.

- I can't stay mad at you, man. - Duff! You burned me.

John! John!

- Tarp? - Yep.

- Like a tarpaulin? - No, just tarp.

Who can't spell tarp, Duff?

Duff? Don't you think you're taking a little too much off the top?

I know what I'm doing.

I have to taper it so light reaches the lower leaves during growing season.

But what about this string?

This string is a guide, John. It's just a guide.

- I don't know what I'm gonna do. - Know what your problem is?

You don't understand an oath is an oath. You made an oath to your niece.

No, I didn't.

It was just an offhand remark.

- How much money you got? - 30,000.

But that's for buying Elaine a house.

Right. Look, I'm your friend. I feel like I can talk straight with you.

Elaine, I like her. I like her a lot, John. But she's a bitch!

- She's a dirty, dumb bitch! - Duff! Come on.

There are more productive things to do with money besides buying a house.

- Such as? - Such as...

...putting it in a bag and throwing it off a cliff.

And that's just coming off the top of my head.

- I do know how you can get the money. - How?

You take $1000, you go to the horse racetrack...

...you put it on a 30-to-1. - What's wrong with you?

John, it's been done, man. Kevin Darnell, remember him?

He put money down, won, and bought a used DeLorean.

He crashed it and died, but he did get money. It can happen.

I was hoping for something just this side of theoretically possible.

You know any criminals?

Because, you know, criminals have lots of money.

How about David Loach?

David Loach from high school? That guy's a psycho.

You know what your problem is? You're mentally inflexible.

- Duff, I hate to ask, but... - John, I'm not rich, you know.

I may look it because of my expensive tools and my wonderful truck.

I'm like Bill Gates. He may be the richest, but he doesn't have money.

It's all tied up in stocks. I'm not liquid, John.

- I'm not liquid. - What does that mean?

It means I don't have any money for you, man.

Duff couldn't give me money, but he could certainly give me advice.

Know what your problem is? You don't take responsibility seriously.

Maybe you should have thought before you went and became an uncle!

I'm doing my best, Duff. I know she's overcome a lot to turn out normal.

There haven't been many people who helped her.

- Yeah. - But you know what?

I'm gonna be one of them. If I don't come through for her now...

...it's possible she could lose faith or whatever she's got that's working.

I'm getting that money, Duff. Even if I have to go to David Loach.

You're not gonna have to go to David Loach.

I've got another idea.

Can you get the beer?

Hey, kids. Duff's Dial-A-Bottle. Time to party.

- It'll be 20 each. - I thought it was 1 5.

That's what the flyer says.

But the fine print says "prices subject to change." Read the flyer.

You happy? You scum! Give me the money.

I'm not making money. Do I look rich? I barely break even. Go!

You skunks! You pukes! Read the fine print.

That is the most irresponsible thing I've ever seen you do.

Look, I provide a public service, John.

One way or another, they were gonna get drunk.

Maybe they would have drank mouthwash or sniffed glue...

...but, you know, they wanted beer. Those are good, honest kids.

They deliver newspapers, return old pop bottles all week...

They deserve to unwind and get drunk. It's all part of the American dream.

Your American dream just gave you the finger.

It's their freedom.

Jesus, Duff!

Here are your briefs, Walter. Hi, John.

- Hi, Mrs. Duffy. - How are your folks, John?

Dead. Still.

I forgot. I'm so sorry. I'm on medication and it makes me loopy.

- Mom! - Say hi to your folks, John.

You have to forgive her.

She's been going through empty nest syndrome since I moved out.

Moved out? You're 20 feet from the house.

Yeah. And I love the freedom.

I could keep these beauties on as late as I want.

Great.

John...

I have a client.

Lives over in the Pembroke Hills Estates area.

Guy's loaded. Last week, I was just finishing up a job...

But I thought I'd do one last round of the property. You know, details?

Inspection is important to me. Thought I'd check out the whole interior.

Although I'm an exterior landscaper, John, I also do interior work.

I was hungry, so I thought I'd heat up a brick of cheese.

I need my cheese!

But, John, I heard something upstairs...

...and I thought, "I should check this out. "

So I went to look around and I saw this painting on the wall...

...and something didn't seem right about it.

And I touched it, and it moved.

And behind the painting, there was this safe.

But I heard someone coming, so I gracefully slipped out.

But the best part, John, is the safe...

...it wasn't even locked. - Nope.

You turn this corner, and it's the whole slippery slope.

Your whole moral code goes out the window. No way.

Look. Is it moral to let some fat, greasy man roll around naked...

...in a pile of cash when it could be used for something good...

...like sending Noreen to college?

- We can't. - The guy's never home Sunday nights.

Sunday we go there, slip through the window...

...which I accidentally left unlocked today.

And we grab the money.

- The guy won't miss the money? - Heard of insurance?

Heard of insurance? It's called insurance.

He's not gonna miss the money. He's not gonna pay.

The insurance guys are gonna have to pay.

And they deserve to pay!

Bastards.

Bastards.

Where are you going?

- Why are you here? - I live here.

- I thought you were going to a movie. - That was last night.

- We're supposed look at that house. - I can't. I've gotta go out.

Why are you all dressed in black? Are you going to rob a bank?

No, baby. I'm Johnny Cash. Hello.

But I'll look at the house on the way home. Okay?

Soon as I'm done robbing that bank.

Have a good time.

- Okay. Ready? - Yeah. Let's go.

Sorry.

All right.

- Here we go. - Let's go. Let's go, let's go.

- Under the fence. - Wait.

Go. Go. Go.

What are you doing? It's open.

John. See those dead bushes? I planted those.

- That's the window there. - Who should go first?

- I'm not going in. - What?

Someone has to watch in case he comes home.

- You said he would be out. - He will be.

- Then why do we need a lookout? - We don't. Just go in.

- You go in. - I don't need money. Why risk it?

- What risk? - There is no risk.

Just go!

- Crap! John. - Hello?

John!

Good luck, buddy.

Well, well. What have we here?

- Please don't shoot me. - I'm not going to shoot you.

- Are you gonna call the police? - No.

What are you gonna do?

My wife died several years ago, and it's...

It's really nice to have someone around.

- Now what? - Now we're going to spoon.

Spoon?

You remember when we went to Nova Scotia that spring...

...and we had those sand dabs at that restaurant on the bay?

- Yes. - Weren't they tasty?

Yes.

I don't think we've ever had sand dabs that tasty again.

- Remember the boat ride over? - Yes.

We drove.

Oh, yeah.

Happy times. Turn.

The petting zoo...

All right. Now we do the photo shoot.

Oh, my God.

It won't do you any good to tell anyone.

I'm a respected member of the community. No one will believe you.

A mint?

I'm not gay.

I miss her very much...

...and I haven't been able to properly grieve and let go.

- Do you understand? - Yeah.

Catch you around here again, I'll kill you!

That was enough. I had to tell Elaine that Noreen needed our money.

And no matter how unpleasant that would be...

...it couldn't hold a candle to the fetish I just endured.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Wait. Don't you think you should tell me what happened at that house?

What?

You said you were gonna look at that house.

That house. Yeah, I looked at it.

- It was great. Great. - Oh, God.

I am so glad you liked it.

Because I did something bad.

I can't even believe I did this, but I put in an offer.

- What do you mean? - I know. It seems so impulsive.

But I just love the house so much, and you do too, so...

- What about the $30,000? - It's gone!

All of it. In escrow. And we find out tomorrow if they accept the offer.

Isn't it exciting? Everything is working out exactly like we planned.

Aren't you thrilled?

- Yeah. - You don't look thrilled.

I'm in happy shock.

Duff! You left me there.

You said he wasn't home Sunday nights.

I tried to warn you. What happened?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened at all.

If nothing happened, why are you so angry?

Elaine put in an offer on this house. If they accept, our money's locked up.

"Sorry, Noreen. Hope you like working at Dairy Queen."

Mr. Warner wants to see you in his office.

Thanks, Loretta.

I'm calling regarding the property on Hyden Street.

I'd like to put in an offer.

You have an offer already now, do you?

Well, perhaps I could throw my hat into the ring.

John. Come on in.

So, John-boy...

What did you and my little girl do last night?

- Hung out, watched television. - Really?

That's funny. I was visiting a friend near Pembroke Heights last night...

...9:30, 9:45, and I thought I saw you...

...run out of somebody's house like a bat out of hell.

I saw you, John. Rex saw you.

- No. - No, John?

Odd. It looked just like you, and guess what?

He got into a car looked just like your car.

Interesting.

You wouldn't lie to me. So I guess my eyes were playing tricks on me.

I'll just have to watch what's going on more carefully, won't I?

- You won't have to watch... - Watch what?

I won't have to watch what? Go ahead, say it.

- I should... - Say it!

Confess!

I really need to get back to work.

We know.

We know, don't we, Rex?

Okay. I see what's going on here. You think you're Mr. Real Estate.

That's great. Let me ask you this: Do you have any kids?

Good. Three of them? Well, that's even better.

Because I want an audience when I come over, take you out...

...and beat the living bejesus out of you!

- I was putting an offer on your house. - Great. How'd that go?

He's mulling it over.

We got the house!

I was worried about the other offer, but it fell through.

It must be fate! I'm so happy!

Should we stop?

Why do you always do that?

We get a nice mood going, and then you ruin it.

I think you have some intimacy problems, John. I really do.

What is that?

John! John, come here!

Is that Duff?

Yeah, I guess it is.

- You can't ring the doorbell? - I didn't wanna wake up Elaine.

That's why you were revving your engine?

Okay, well, I guess someone doesn't want $30,000.

- From where? - I asked my uncle.

Are you serious? I don't know what to say.

Don't worry about it. Hop in. We gotta meet him in 1 5 minutes.

- I see. - What is he doing here?

- Evening, ma'am. - You wanna shut off M'Lady?

You wanna shut it off for me? Maybe you'd like to shut it off for me!

Just, please. Just sit tight a second. Okay?

I thought you weren't hanging out anymore.

- Duff's grown up an awful lot. - He's still an asshole.

- Casserole. - I said asshole.

- I thought you said casserole. - I said asshole.

I heard casserole.

I bumped into Duff, and when he heard about the new house...

...he was so thrilled, he offered to do some free landscaping.

- What are you...? - Don't wait up, okay?

- We may have to do soil tests... - Got soil testing...

- You're... - Check the roots...

- Checking the roots. - Don't...

- Irrigation. - What are...?

You're waking everybody up!

You come here a lot, Jack?

I don't think that's any of your goddamn business.

- Sorry. - So here's the deal.

The state lottery jackpot's up to $86 million this week.

I don't think the lottery's gonna help.

Shut up before I show this shoe your anal cavity.

I don't like this guy. I got a feeling.

He just wants to know what's going on, okay, Uncle Jack?

Not here.

My uncle owns one of the biggest liquor stores in the state.

He's a very successful man.

That's because I found an opportunity and exploited it.

That opportunity being alcoholics.

And after all these years of work, I wind up being a pimp for the state.

- The lottery. - The lottery.

I have one of the biggest lottery outlets in the state.

Tomorrow alone we'll take in over $70,000.

You know what I get for that? Pennies? It's an insult.

So tell him the plan.

Not here.

I got so much lottery money, I can't fit it in the cash register.

I dump it into a cardboard box under the ticket terminal.

Can you imagine how easy it would be to steal that money?

- Wouldn't that be bad? - That would be bad, hamster-dick...

...unless I knew who was robbing me, and we had a deal worked out.

It's foolproof. We stick the place up, we grab the money and we're done.

- And you're gonna be there. - No, I'm going to be in Reno...

...so nobody smells anything.

The kid behind the counter weighs like 8 pounds.

Is he gonna piss when he sees what a big gun you have?

- Gun? No. No way. - We're not gonna use real guns, John.

- We're not gonna use real guns. - Just bring me the cash...

...I'll give you 30,000 for your trouble.

You in or out?

- Can I think about it? - While I think about cutting off...

...your sack with a dull penknife.

- Where did you get him? - What are you doing, man?

Excuse me.

Is this 100% cotton? I want something that will breathe.

- Nice. - We're going skiing.

None of these guns look real. This one is green. This one turns into a robot.

Don't they have any that look like real guns?

- Maybe we should use slingshots. - A slingshot is not a real weapon.

- It's a toy. - It's not a real weapon, is it, John?

Define the word weapon for me...

...while this baby smashes into your temple at 1 80 miles per hour.

- Hello? - Hi.

- Can I help you? - We're looking for a gun...

...that looks like a real gun. Metal, possibly with some bolt action.

We don't sell realistic weapons, sir.

Our store's policy is to make children's gunplay nonviolent.

Do you sell spray paint?

- Can I help you guys? - No, no. We're cool.

Look, John...

...we got Mr. Tough Guy here.

Are you ready?

No?

How about now, you bastards?

You want a slice of this?

How would you like a whole plateful of this, you stupid bastards?

What?

You boys look nice. Are you going to the dance?

Mom...

...get out of here!

- You nervous? - I guess.

- You got your gun? - Yeah, but the paint is a little sticky.

- It looks good, though. - Thanks.

- Let's do this. - Yeah.

- John, wait. - What?

- We should make up some names. - Why?

Just in case we have to communicate inside.

I wanna be Kyle. I knew this guy, his name was Kyle. He was maybe 1 3.

He got two girls pregnant. Two girls pregnant.

- Yeah, Kyle. Who you gonna be? - Steve.

- Steve. - Yeah.

- Okay, Steve. - Okay, Kyle.

Wait.

- What? - Wait, I wanna be Steve.

- I'm Steve. You're Carl. - Kyle!

- I just wanna go in there and do this! - Kyle!

Excuse me.

All right, American cattle!

Nobody does anything stupid and you go home to your TV dinners.

- Put your hands in the air, sweetheart. - Shit.

- Get them up. - Give us the money.

- It's underneath. - I'll get it.

If he tries to be a hero, you pop him, Kyle.

- I hear you, Kyle. - I'm Steve. I'm Steve.

- He's Kyle! - Give us the money!

- Keep the hands up, schoolboy! - Here.

Yeah, come to Steve.

All right, get on the floor and count to 300.

No skipping numbers or counting in base 8 or anything like that.

- One. Two... - Look at this gun. This one's better.

Not now. Let's go!

I don't think so, punk-ass! Freeze!

You move, I pop you like a pimple.

Now put the box down.

Now drop the guns.

Drop it!

- I'm trying. The paint, it's stuck. - Fucking get with it, John.

Steve. My name is Steve!

Drop it!

Go! Go! Go!

- We almost died. - I've never been shot at before.

There was one other time, but I didn't know till after.

I told you it was a bad idea. I told you!

- Know your problem? - Get out!

You can't thank people for trying to help.

Help me get my ass shot off?

I give up. I failed Noreen, and I don't care. I wanna get back to my life.

I've been thinking of this scam that involves pizza delivery.

You were never Steve!

One of these guys was about 6 foot. What about the other guy?

The same, only heavier.

- And you said his name was...? - John or Kyle...

...or Steve.

- And the other guy's name was...? - Kyle or John or Steve.

- Do you have a permit? - Yes, sir.

- How many times did you fire it? - Just once. I shot out the window.

I didn't shoot out the sign. They did that.

They shot the sign, not me.

And then they doubled back and stole the surveillance tapes.

They were crazy. They were crazy. They were crazy.

Anything else you'd like to tell me right now?

I don't know if this would help...

...I remember four digits on the license plate.

No. I don't think that would help at all.

What are you, a complete numskull? Give me the numbers.

Yeah, I can't believe I got in!

- Patty? - Who is it?

- It's John. - Hold on!

- How's it going? - Hi.

The doorbell gave out this morning, and they couldn't fix it.

- A little late for an electrician. - I don't like your tone.

You got something to say, why don't you say it?

Hey.

I know I've always been too wild for your tastes...

...but what can I tell you? I've got an independent spirit.

And a thing for the Electricians Local 2 1 4.

Why are you so mean? Give me a break.

Patty, I'm sorry! I'm having a really rough time right now.

I'm having trouble getting it together.

John...

Do you remember Mom and Dad's funeral?

- And that suit you wore? - The brown one.

You couldn't tie your tie, and you asked me to do it, but I couldn't.

- It was no big deal. The priest did it. - But that is a big deal, John.

Because I'm your older sister, and I couldn't even tie your goddamn tie.

I mean, look, I know I'm not gonna win the Best Sister prize...

...but...

God, John...

...what you are doing for Noreen...

...is so generous and so good.

It's nice to know after all this time...

...I have a little brother who maybe sort of loves me.

You know I love you.

You're my family.

Uncle John! What a surprise!

This is my uncle. If it wasn't for him, none of this would be possible.

Pull the vehicle forward. A little more. A little more.

Ricky, swing to the branch. Swing your body.

Pretend you're a little monkey, but you have a saw...

...and you're pruning. You're a monkey.

Good. Yeah, no... On the branch. Prune, Ricky, prune.

Swing it, swing on the branch. On the branch, Ricky!

Hey, how did she take the news? Did she start to cry?

Did she shake? She didn't wobble?

I didn't tell her, Duff, and I'm not going to. Noreen is going to Harvard.

Because I am going to see Loach.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

And you're coming with me. Right now.

Okay, that's an act of God.

Hang in there, Ricky.

Yes, I understand it was a funeral. I guess I goofed up.

I can see how a happy happy-birthday basket...

...might seem ironic and cruel, but it was an honest mistake.

It's not that easy running a small-sized business out of a house...

...especially this house!

I'm sorry he's dead, but things haven't been great around here either.

Can I put you on hold?

- Hello. - Daddy?

Is it okay if I come over?

- What do you want? - Hey, is Loach here?

Lift high and lower. Point the toes. Flatten abdominals.

Hey, guys. We're old friends of Dave's.

We went to school with him.

Yeah, school. I'm sure you've heard of school.

You probably went there for a couple of days while you were little.

I'm just kidding. Trying to break the ice.

Why is anybody talking?

Hey, Dave.

John Plummer. Remember? You used to call me asshole?

- I call everybody asshole. - I believe I was the first.

- We were 5, maybe 6, at the time. - Congratulations, asshole.

Now get to the point.

I might need a partner for some heavy stuff.

How heavy?

Well, let's just say it's a little too heavy to lift alone.

Okay, so talk.

Not here.

Okay, just so we're all on the same page, I'm flying right now. Angel dust.

So let's keep it real, boys. Keep it real, and nobody is getting hurt.

I could smell your foot. I could smell your foot on that one.

He's been acting strange. He's been out three nights.

The first night he came home, he went and took a shower.

- That's not good. - He's having an affair, isn't he?

Now, sweetheart, let's not rush to judgment. But yes.

Your shitty boyfriend is having an affair...

...and we might have some information about that.

Tell me. Tell me.

No. I don't want to upset you until it's absolutely certain...

...that I can upset you. Let me do some snooping...

...and then we'll respond swiftly and without mercy.

What happened? Did he give you the money?

He said he'd get it for me tomorrow, Duff. It couldn't have been easier.

I don't know how this is gonna go down, sweetheart.

- Things could get a little crazy. - I don't want you getting hurt.

Kitten, I gave the VC 1 8 months to hurt me, and I walked away laughing.

- Don't worry about me. - I'm coming.

No, you're not. This doesn't concern you.

Doesn't concern me? It's my life.

You made a heck of a job out of it. This guy is a lump.

I don't want you wasting more time. Who is gonna support you?

I can support myself. Once my basket business turns the corner, l...

Putting bows on faggy little olives and water biscuits is not a job.

It's a nice hobby, but it will never pay the bills.

It's always money with you.

Sometimes I think you care more about money than you do me.

Kitten, honey, innocent...

I don't want you getting all emotional about this.

Yeah.

Hello? Is anyone home?

Hello?

Well, well. What have we here?

What kind of car did we have when we first got married?

- I think it was an El Dorado. - Yes.

It was an El Dorado, wasn't it? Turn.

I'm not a homoual, you understand. I just... I miss my wife very much.

- I lost my wife three years ago. - You know what I'm going through.

Well, not to this extent, per se, but I have a rough idea.

You can go ahead and put your clothes on.

Can I have some privacy? I feel funny getting dressed around other men.

What the hell?

I'm here investigating a holdup of a liquor store...

...that occurred a short time ago on Fourth Street.

- I don't know anything about that. - That's odd. Here's why.

The license plate on your car matches the license plate of the car...

...used during the robbery. - That's not possible.

- It was with me the whole night. - Where were you?

With... My friend.

- Having a couple beers. - Where?

I just don't really remember, because I was, you know, a little messed up.

- You drove drunk? - I'm sorry?

You were in the car and you were drunk, so you drove drunk.

Not that I can recall.

- What was your friend's name? - Walter Duffy. Duff.

And this Duff will say that you were with him at the time of the robbery?

Yeah, he will. Very much so. Yeah.

- You seem a little shaky, Plummer. - Yeah.

- The booze. It's a bad scene. - It sure as hell is.

You told him you were with me. Gave my name.

- You want me to lie to a cop? - Yes! Yes, I do!

- Where is Loach? - He'll be here.

He told us to park in this lot at 3:00 and to wait until he showed up.

Well, it's 1 0 after. He's not gonna show.

Yes, he will. This is a plan that, unlike your plans, will succeed.

And do you know why?

Because I did a little creative visualization...

...and I saw it succeeding in my mind's eye.

Everybody, hands in the air! Money in the bag!

Facedown! Money in the bag!

I'll shoot you in the ass!

He's not gonna show.

- Yes, he will. - Let's go!

- Let's hit it! Start the car, asshole. - I told you he'd show up.

- Drive! Hit it! Hit it! - They robbed a bank!

- Wait, where's my money? - Drive or die!

Jesus, John, just drive. They got a gun at your head.

I'm not going anywhere until I get my 30,000.

- Get these guys out of the car! - I want my money!

- You are dead! - Go away!

- You are so dead! You're dead! - I want my money!

We're dead. Go! Go! We are so dead! We are so dead!

Get back here, you asshole! You asshole!

I hit David Loach in the head. I hit him! It felt good, Duff.

That's super. Nice plan, by the way. Guess I couldn't visualize it...

...because there was a gun pointed at my mind's eye.

- See you later. - Where are you going?

I'm certainly not gonna stick around anywhere near the getaway car!

- I'm just supposed to leave my car? - Know what your problem is, John?

- Not knowing when to cut your losses. - You think that's my problem?

That's not my problem. Wanna know what my problem is?

You. Are. The. Problem!

You! You! You!

It's a two-way mirror, Duff.

I turned 40 last week.

Do you know what I did?

Got my colon scoped by Dr. Spencer. Do you know what he told me?

"You have one of the cleanest rectums I've ever seen." And do you know why?

During my quiet time here at work, I use a toothbrush...

...I have here in my desk to get to the really hard-to-find spots.

Just for a really good scrubbing.

- You think you're so smart, don't you? - No.

The way you made those surveillance tapes just disappear...

...just got rid of them somehow. - What tapes?

- Will you do me a personal favor, son? - Sure.

Don't ever play me like a flute. Okay?

You two idiots got real lucky. I don't have enough to keep you here.

But mark my words, gentlemen. You're going down.

I mean, you're either going down or, by God, I'm gonna take you down.

But either way, once you're down...

You'll stay down! You'll stay down!

You will stay down!

Now get up and get out!

Get up, get out! Get up, get out!

Get up and go! Get up and go! Don't touch my door!

Hello.

I know you're wondering where I've been...

...and I know I've been distracted and weird, but I promise you...

...everything's gonna get back to normal. I love you and...

- I'll get that. Don't worry about it. - You lying bastard!

- What did I do? - You pretended to be decent...

...and now I find out you're a sick, twisted pervert!

What? Where did you get this?

From Daddy. You're a drag queen!

You are a cross-dressing transvestite freak!

- And you lied to me. - I did, but let me tell you why.

Noreen got into Harvard, she needed $30,000...

...I promised to pay for it. I tried to steal the money...

...from this guy, but I ended up in a wig and a dress spooning with him.

- Spooning? - Yes!

Then I went into a liquor store with a gun and almost got my ass shot off!

And today I came this close to driving the getaway car for a bank robbery.

And I hit David Loach in the face with that steering-wheel Club you gave me.

- Crazy David from school? - Plus there's your father.

- What did you do to him? - Nothing. That's the problem.

He's always watching me. And when I come home...

...he's here to take you on dates! - What dates?

Where he squires you around. You go to bed smelling like English Leather...

...and I have freaky dreams about England.

Why didn't you come to me in the first place?

Why was the hardest thing to tell me the truth?

Of all the things I've done these past few days...

...the one thing I couldn't do was disappoint you.

Do you like my baskets?

Yeah.

- You don't think they're just a hobby? - No, they're amazing!

John.

I know where we can get $30,000.

- Where? - From my dad.

We're not borrowing from your father.

- I know. We're gonna take it from him. - Take as in "steal"?

When he was drunk, he told me he keeps about $50,000 in cash at work.

- At Homespital? - Yep. It's just sitting there.

Waiting for us.

This is gonna be easy.

- And fun. - I don't know, Elaine.

- Stealing from your father? - What? He's got insurance.

- We're really just stealing from them. - Bastards.

Yeah.

So tell me again about how you hit David Loach in the face.

Well, let's just put it this way. His ass was kicked.

You are so y right now.

- You're not crying. - Why would I be crying?

She couldn't spell "tarp"?

Wait.

I have a confession to make.

What?

I never saw the house.

- Isn't it cute? - Yeah.

I love it.

I love that kitchen.

Elaine said we needed a third person...

...and there was only one place we could go.

We had to go to Duff.

- What's this? - It's Gruy鑢e cheese. It's good.

Really? Is it good?

Is it mild and nutty, yet piquant in flavor?

Named after the Gruy鑢es district in Switzerland?

I happen to know what Gruy鑢es is, Elaine. I've been to Gruy鑢es.

Gruy鑢e is in France.

- Whatever, Elaine. - So will you help us?

Mom! Privacy!

- You hit my head on the car. - I was frustrated. I'm sorry, Duff.

- I have to wear a Band-Aid. - Are you gonna help us or not?

I can't stay mad at you, man.

We have to promise to not say any more mean things about each other.

- I have never said anything mean. - You're a lying bitch.

- You're a bag of crap. - You are.

- You're such a loser! - Skank!

Okay, super! So we're all on board.

Well, hello.

- Everybody ready? - How about you, Anton?

- Yeah. - Griselda?

I'm ready, Steve.

- It's Stan. - I thought you liked Steve.

You saw what happened to Steve. Screw Steve. I hate Steve.

Let's do this.

Okay. Come on, come on.

Go. Go. Go.

Duff, what is that?

Do you know what you're doing?

I'd like to think the answer to that is obvious.

Over here.

Cleaners.

They're leaving.

We've got a little surprise for you. Don't we, Rex?

Duff, is that Silly Putty?

In a manner of speaking, yes, it is.

You guys, it's open.

- Wow, he really likes you. - Rex!

My little girl with those two lumps...

There you go.

He said there was money in here.

Let's look in his office. Smash a window, make it look like a break-in.

Smash a window? Think I'm a little busy here, guys.

Think he might have caught a whiff of my... Gruy鑢es cheese.

I can't find it. And there's not one single picture of me in here.

- I bet it's in there. - What?

Organ Man.

Snack time. Go get the hand.

It's here. All right, let's go.

- Hold it. - What is it?

You. In command. Taking control.

You're very y right now. I wanna do it right here.

- What? - Right on my dad's desk.

Here we go. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Joe. Homespital.

Detective Charles. Backup, immediately.

No! Just get away! Get away!

Asshole! Think you could just leave me there?

Loach?

Cheap-shot me, then leave me to get pinched?

I know we sort of got our signals crossed back at the bank...

...but I've got $50,000 here, and I only need 30.

Well, well, well. If it isn't big, bad David Loach. Nice nose.

Why don't you go back in the closet? I can handle this.

Did you enjoy getting the crap kicked out of you?

You back for seconds, little man?

Daddy!

- Thank you, Mr. Warner. - Don't thank me, I thought it was you.

Come over here and stand where he was standing.

Well, you piece of shit.

- Wanna explain what's going on? - Well...

Shut your cakehole and let's get it on. Let's go, boy.

In all fairness, I'm younger and in better shape.

- I don't wanna hear from you. - Okay, stop it.

Well, Mr. Warner, you're gonna hear from me. A lot.

Know how I told you I never had with your daughter?

Well, I wasn't being entirely truthful.

We did it the first night we met. And ever since...

...we've been banging together like a pair of cymbals in a marching band.

- So get used to it. - I'll get used to it.

As soon as you get used to walking around with your balls...

...in a fanny pack!

Come on!

I urge you to drop it!

John, wait! Stop!

- Duff, get in! - Stop! Stop!

Okay, go! Go! Go! Go! John, go! Dog, stop!

Duff, where were you?

- Drop the weapon. Put it down! - But they're stealing...

- They're stealing from my man. - Calm down.

- From my man. - Citizen, calm down.

They were gonna have on my desk.

Listen to me. These won't hurt a bit.

- Drive! - I'm trying! I'm going!

- We've got to get rid of the dog. - Screw the dog.

No! Stop the dog!

Oh, my God!

Daddy!

- I'm fine. - I'm sorry. You were mean to me.

I'm fine. I'm fine, really.

It's a good thing you're here, officer.

Because a crime has just been committed.

Put the dog down.

Number four.

"Oh, yeah. Come to Steve."

Now number three.

"Oh, yeah. Come to Steve."

That's him. The guy in the middle and the guy next to him.

They robbed the liquor store, shot the sign, stole the porno mags...

...and the chocolate milk... Jeez, they're guilty, man.

Might as well tell me everything. We got your buddy, your girlfriend...

You know one of them's gonna spill.

I don't think so. Elaine won't talk.

She's my fianc閑. We have a bond.

Fair enough. What about Mr. Duffy?

- Duff's my oldest friend in the world. - Why are you pointing fingers at me?

He did it. He planned it. He's the mastermind.

Give me a pen. I'll sign a blank piece of paper. You can fill it out.

This is not good. Breaking and entering.

Animal cruelty. Attempted vehicular manslaughter.

This is bad. This is really, really bad.

Okay, look. You are so going to jail.

The best idea is to plead insanity. What do you say?

All rise. Court is officially in session.

The Honorable Emmett Cook presiding. Please be seated.

Good morning, everyone. Shall we begin?

Remember me?

I have the picture.

I can... You know, I don't... I see no cause.

So... Charges are dismissed.

- Justice! - I won a case.

- What are you doing here? - I had to talk, John.

Look at me. I can't go to prison.

I wouldn't last a day in there. They'd pass me around like a bag of Oreos.

I'm sorry, man.

I mean it.

This is $1000, Duff. What am I supposed to do with this?

- You know what your problem is? - What?

You're too good a friend.

John?

People always talk about fate. I never used to believe in all that.

I'd always hoped we were masters of our own destiny.

And my destiny had become a bet on a horse named M'Lady.

That, believe it or not, was a 30-to-1 shot.

I had tried a lot of ways to get the money...

...and all it ever got me was punched, shot at and arrested.

- And they're off! - So here I was...

...pinning Noreen's hopes for education on an animal that...

...couldn't win if it was shot out of a cannon.

And trailing is number 5, M'Lady.

Making his move from behind, the long shot, number 5, M'Lady.

But for some reason, that day...

...my horse ran the race of his life.

As we enter the stretch, number 4, Dance in the Dark, is fading.

It's a two-horse race.

So was that fate? I don't know. But I do know this:

If you show up, do your best and spoon with the occasional judge...

...you don't have to believe in fate.

- And it's M'Lady by a nose! - Because fate will believe in you.

Things worked out. Elaine and I got married.

Noreen couldn't be there. She was at college.

So Patty was the maid of honor.

And there on the steps of our charming starter home...

...surrounded by our special friends...

...it felt like we were finally starting to live our dream.

The only thing I didn't figure out was how Duff got that $1000.

Well, well. What have we here?

Okay.

Wait. Let me shut it.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

I just salivated on you, I'm sorry.

Saliva shot onto your body.

So do I get paid...?

- Let's go. - Hold it.

What... is it?

Suddenly I'm William Shatner. Let me do this again.

- What is it? - You.

Wait. Sorry. Go back. Wait. Okay.

I'm your private dancer.

- You're a bag of crap. - Shut up!

- You shut up! - What are you doing?

Okay. Super. So we're all on board.

Stupid bag of crap.

Any free landscaping you want.

I'll trim your bush.

How would you like me to...? I don't want to talk about it.

It's been a while.

I forgot my line!

Mom, privacy!

Mom, privacy!

Big truck.

Nobody does anything...

I'm supposed to leave my car here?

You know what your problem is, Duff? John.

You know what...? Sorry.

Okay, but I don't...

...spoon until...

...after.

Your head is so yellow and furry.

I don't look fat in this, do I?

- We've been doing it... - I know.

...a lot. - Doing it and doing it right

Hi, Duff.

Get on the floor!

And...

Okay, I want the money.

Now.

Now.

Spooning feels dirty.

I work hard for the money.

So hard for the money.

- Tuna. - Oh, you...

Hold on. One more time. Keep going.

Holding. Anytime.

One more time.

All right. Cut.

That's what I'm talking about.