The Sweetest Thing script

Christina Walters?

God, I haven't heard that name in ages.

The kind of woman who can get any guy she wants, 

That's Christina Walters.

We dated briefly, but she's not the commitment type.

She's a player. She just likes to have fun.

I met Christina at a bar. Hot piece of ass.

Totally hit it off. All night long we dance. I buy her drinks.

At the end of the night, she just splits.

I lay down all that groundwork for nothing.

Lesbian.

She gave me her number. It's been three days.

I saw Swingeer. I know how these things work.

Hello, and welcome to AOL Moviefone, 

I stay up nights trying to figure out why she said she'd call and didn't.

Maybe she wanted to call and that's why she said she was going to call, but...

"Christina"

"Christina"

You know, there ought to be some kind of a signal...

...to let us guys know when we are talking to a lesbian.

So we don't waste our time.

Prolonged impotence is very common after a breakup.

Lots of men suffer from it.

They just don't talk about it. Not like me, gabbing away. Gab, gab.

But, even still, because she said she was going to call...

...she should've called to say she wasn't going to call...

...and I would've thanked her for calling...

All right. Okay .

I apologize for saying she was a lesbian.

It's not true.

My male ego got bruised and I lashed out. I'm sorry.

I'm not used to being blown off, that's all.

I'm sure she wasn't trying to hurt me on purpose.

I know deep down inside she's scared and lonely just like everyone else.

She'll settle down though, once she finds the right man.

Or woman .

Maybe has a little boxed lunch at the Y.

Jeez, I'm sorry. Did I say it again? You're goddamn right I said it again.

Why don't you shave your head, Christina, and take up women's golf?

Why don't you go to the Depot. Lots of carpet you can munch on there.

At least I don't get that dizzy, head-spinning nausea as much as I used to.

Hooray!

Like I said, I'm doing fine.

I am fan-ing-tastic.

- Christina. - Valerie!

Shake it if you've got it.

Miss Courtney.

Hello, Miss Christina. How you doing? What you doing?

Dancing too much. How you doing?

Same thing. How was your day?

Pretty good.

I got a new account designing a campaign for a sports line.

They got the right girl, didn't they?

Thank you.

So, what's up?

The usual. Defending the rights of my broken-hearted clients.

Trying to squeeze every penny out of their miserable, cheating spouses.

You go get them, woman, 

I'll order a pizza and stay in tonight.

Okay, but if we do that, you know what will have to happen.

Girl, I've been shaking my ass all the way up this hill.

Which track? 

Track three. Oh, yeah!

Koochie!

Is your granny here? What's going on?

It's Jane. She loves this song.

Jane, what's up?

He dumped me.

Kevin dumped me.

It was just three days before our one-year anniversary.

- Baby. - Maybe he just freaked out.

He will call up tomorrow when he realizes what a huge mistake he made.

- He's probably going through that whole... - No.

He says he's been wanting this for six months.

He says he's been dying inside ever since I brought over my garment bag.

- Honey. - What?

We're all guilty of it. You made yourself too available.

It's a classic mistake, sweetheart.

- Yeah. - Not according to this.

"Commandment four."

"True Love: The Ten Commandments."

"Commandment number four: Thou shalt be open to love's possibilities.

"Boundaries are the enemies of love."

Sweetie, you know what? This book is relationship propaganda.

Listen to me.

Dating is all about boundaries.

Honey, you have to protect yourself.

We've all had our heart stomped on one too many times...

...because we served it to them on a big old platter.

A good defence is the best offence.

I am so tired of playing games.

This is not about playing games. This is about self-preservation.

You can't throw yourself out there all exposed and vulnerable every time.

That is how you get smacked down.

Do you understand?

Don't go looking for Mr. Right. Look for Mr. Right Now.

And, eventually, if he's worthy, then one day...

...that "now" part is just going to drop away.

Naturally, you know?

Meanwhile, you're just going to have fun together.

Yeah. Not so serious. Shake it off a little bit.

Speaking of fun, we are going to take you out.

We are taking you out. You are going to have a good time.

No.

Oswaldo!

Hey, Christina. Courtney.

- Jane. - Hello, Jane.

- Welcome. - Thank you.

Shut up!

Okay, girls, let's go.

This is it, Jane.

Go, baby!

- Right here, baby. - Oh, my God.

They can have her.

Look at the shoulder, baby. Bounce it, baby. Check it out, baby.

What's your name, baby?

Herewe go. Circle of love, circle of love!

We're going to go now.

Bye-bye.

My God. It's like Siegfried & Roy or something.

Martinis, ladies.

- Compliments of the gentleman at the bar. - Which one?

Thank you, Leather Coat Guy.

Cheers.

Leather Coat Guy is looking good.
Shotgun!

Cheater.

What's up?

Nothing. What's up with you?

Nothing.

What's up with you?

Nothing. What's up with you?

Nothing.

You know, I am having the best time.

Are you, sweetie?

My boyfriend dumped me. I'm at this club where no one wants to talk to me.

- I want to go home. - No.

No. Christina, I can't do this.

Yes, you can. It's really very easy.

Observe.

I just pinched his ass.

I'm sorry. Hi.

- Hi. What's your name? - Peter.

Peter, this is my friend, Jane. Jane would love to dance.

I don't mean to be rude, but I have some friends waiting for me.

Nice to meet you, though.

- He hated me. I suck. - You don't suck. That guy was a dick.

I'll make sure that you have fun tonight if it's the last thing...

What did you call me?

You just called me a dick. I heard you. Why am I a dick?

Because I didn't like the way you treated my friend.

I didn't do anything to your friend.

You barely gave her the time of day.

You tried to pawn me off on her and I didn't go for it.

You should be so lucky to even talk to someone as hot and sweet as Jane.

Excuse me.

I wasn't suggesting you get married. I just thought you could get it on.

What? Get it on?

You know nothing about me. What if I'm some psycho serial killer?

What if Jane was the girl of your dreams, but you'll never know?

That is the sweetest thing.

I never thought I'd meet her by having somebody grab me and say:

"Man, I have good woman for you. She is very hot and sweet.

"Jane! Dance for the man!"

- Maybe that's your problem. - What?

Maybe if you didn't play it so safe, Mr. Safety-Poo...

...you might meet a girl you could have fun with.

This brilliant love advice comes from one who loves to play games with men.

Always in control. That way, she never has to get too close.

Nice manners, by the way.

Where the hell did that guy... Jane?

What's up with you?

Nothing. What's up with you?

I can't believe he brought that bitch to our bar.

- This is our bar. - Forget her, she's a skeev.

- But is she prettier than me? - Of course not, you're beautiful.

Oh, my God, you ing bitch!

I can't believe you grabbed his ass.

He comes right into my face and starts telling me all this stupid stuff...

...about how I like to play games and be in control so I never get too close.

Can you believe him?

- What? - Nothing.

- I've never seen you act like this before. - Act like what?

They're fake.

All bah-jiggity about some guy.

- Bah-jiggity? - Yeah.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stare.

It's cool. It's why I got them.

- I'm not bah-jiggity. - You are so bah-jiggity.

They look real.

Thank you. You can touch it if you want to.

No.

- Touch it. She likes it. - Go ahead. It feels real, huh?

If I'm bah-jiggity about this guy Peter, it's because you're telling me I am.

- Oh, my God. - What?

You've named the puppy.

- I did not. - You just called him Peter.

- I did? - You've got to feel these things.

I'm psychic and I knew his name was Peter.

- Knock your socks off. - So soft.

Un-ing-believable.

Fuck.

I am so getting a pair.

That's why chicks always go to the bathroom together.

It's so obvious that you like this guy. Why are you being such a pussy about it?

Why are you making such a big deal out of it?

If you haven't noticed, there's plenty of guys out there.

See you later.

- What's your problem? - What's your problem?

- Hi. - Hi.

Hey, Peter.

- Eric! - Be right there.

You don't have to do this.

I know, but I want to. I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another one?

Okay.

I want to apologize.

I shouldn't have been impolite to your friend. If I was, I didn't mean to.

My brother is waiting for me and I got nervous, I guess. I don't know.

I mean, otherwise, I'd be all over your friend.

I'm the one who should apologize. I was rude.

No, I understand. You were protecting your friend. Anyone would've done that.

I thought that was sweet.

Jesus.

- We good now? - Yeah.

Good.

I should get back to my friends.

Okay.

Thanks for the drink.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- Have a good night. - You, too.

Can you take this? I'm a total loser. I just struck out with this guy.

One more thing.

Should I be upset that my ex-girlfriend has her tongue down that guy's throat?

Oh, my God!

- Jane! - I guess I blew my chance.

- That could have been you. - If I wasn't such a dick.

- Was I really a dick? - Yeah. You were a dick.

We should start over. Why don't I walk by, and you grab me like before?

- I didn't grab you. - You grabbed me.

You grabbed me right on the ass.

I don't grab, okay?

Pete!

Excuse me.

Dude! Where you been? Everybody's waiting.

After-hours party back at the hotel. These two pigs are good to go.

Did I mention that we have the Freddie Mercury Suite?

She puked on him!

Again? God, she's like a hose. Go help her, please.

Or not.

She's out. We're one short. Who's this chick?

- She is hot. Bring her. - What?

Fuck me. You have so much...

You've got to come. Let me tell you why.

You'll never find anyone better than my brother. He is the greatest...

That hurts me. Just look at him.

Chicks freak on this guy. Come on, now.

He is the shit and that's why he's in my wedding on Saturday.

- No. - Yes.

- No. - Just trying to help out.

'Bye!'

Ladies, big party. Four Seasons, room 402. You're invited, you're invited.

All right, I'm leaving.

- That's my brother. - He's special.

Careful, that's puke. Don't touch me.

When is the wedding?

Saturday afternoon up in Somerset. That's where we live.

That's nice.

Peter! It's looking like now.

You're pinching my arm skin.

I better go. But for real this time.

- It was nice to meet you. - Very nice to meet you. I had a great time.

Me, too.

Come by the party if you want to.

- Really? - Definitely. If you want to.

I'll ask my friends. Maybe we'll stop by.

I really hope I see you. But in case I don't see you, have a nice life.

You, too.

Chris, it's Court I'm at the party with Leather Coat Guy, 

I was checking in to see if you were listening to your messages, 

If you are, tha tmeans you were too chicken to hook up with Peter,,, 

... which therefore means you are a loser,  You are a loser, A... 

Thanks, Court.

"I'm a hig loser,"

What's up, you hitches and hos and loseer? 

Too late now.

He was kind of cute.

Funny.

Really funny.

Cute boy.

My God, you're so good at that.

I'd like to do that every hour, on the hour, for the rest of our lives.

- Of course, go ahead. - Thank you.

Don't worry about returning the favour. Men don't really like oral .

Right.

I'm serious. It's just a bad rumour that was started sometime in the '50s.

I had no idea. I need to tell all my friends.

Please, do. Someone needs to put an end to this madness.

God, I'm so glad I came back to the hotel room.

Me, too.

I never thought I'd see you again.

- Room service. - Right on time.

- Ice cream? - Only the best for our VIPs.

I had them remove all the calories for you.

You are good.

All right!

I said I wanted to do it to you every hour, on the hour, but I can't wait.

Can I do it agaln now?

Okay.

San Francisco, California, please, for Four Seasons Hotel. Thanks.

Great dream.

Yes, hi. Do you have a Freddie Mercury Suite?

Good. Can I have it? Thanks.

Really?

Already?

Have a great day. Thanks. Bye.

What am I even calling for?

Hello? Hey, Court.

Yeah.

- Stop talking shit about me. - Where you been?

Sorry I'm late. I don't want to talk about it. You ready? I'm starving.

I'll meet you there. I have to drop something off at the dry cleaners.

Can it wait, please? I'm so hungry right now.

Isn't that Courtney's dress that you borrowed last night?

Yeah.

Why are you bringing it in? Did you get something on it?

I'm trying to be a good girlfriend.

- I'm really sorry. - You slut!

- Is that what I think it is? - Guilty!

I'll take it to the dry cleaners, and it will be gone.

- That's a lot! - He was holding a lot!

My God! What's this on your skirt?

I am scared enough as it is to go in there. What am I going to say?

"Mr. Martin, can you help me with my jizz?"

You know what?

- You guys suck. - No, obviously you suck.

- You suck. - You suck well. I'm proud.

No spanky-wanky.

Hey, Jane.

- Hi, Mr. Martin. - How's your mother?

- Great. She's good. Everyone's good. - Your grandmother?

- Everyone's great. - That's fine. That's fine.

What you got for me today?

Just a dress, but I'll be back for it in a few days, so no hurry.

- Any stains? - No.

- What's this? - What?

This. Come here.

Stain?

This is going to be a tough one.

I didn't even notice that. I must have spilled some soda on me last night.

No. This is not soda. Think, Jane. Think.

If I know what it is, it's easier for me to remove.

The field trip. Come in, children. Come in.

- Fuck. - Good afternoon, Mrs. Franklin.

Hi, Mr. Martin.

On today's field trip, we are going to learn about cleanliness.

Jane?

Jane Burns!

Sweetheart, I haven't seen you since I taught you in third grade!

- Top of the morning there, Mr. Martin. - Hello, Father Flynn.

As I live and breathe, isn't it... It is little Mary Jane Burns!

What a coincidence! I'm having supper with your parents tonight.

What a stain you got there, little Janie!

So how was it? Was it fun?

Oh, my God, I can't believe I didn't tell you this.

Apparently, one of the guys who was at the party flipped out...

...was out on the balcony, screaming at the top of his lungs:

"Christina! Has anyone seen my little Christina?"

Then he jumps off and dies because you're a pussy. Why didn't you go?

I don't know! I was going to. I was. I was going to, and then I wasn't.

And then I called him at the hotel...

Wait. Hold on. Rewind for one second. You called him at the hotel?

- What did he say? - Nothing. He said nothing. Okay?

- Why? - He checked out already.

Let's just sum this up real quickly.

In the bathroom, we hate him, yet we call him by name.

Then we throw beer on him.

Then we laugh and we flirt and we dance with him.

Then we casually call him at the hotel. Then we obsess about the casual call.

Obsess? I'm not obsessing, okay?

Could all this erratic behaviour be because this guy got under your skin?

- No. - That you might really like him?

That you regret not going because you'll never know what might've happened?

No, I don't regret it, and if I had any regrets...

...it would be this conversation, right now, having it with you.

- Can we drop it? - Okay. Sorry I brought it up.

I won't mention it again.

Even if I did regret not going to the party...

...it's not like I can do anything about it now.

Sometimes you just have to let these things go, right?

- Exactly. - Although...

...if there was regret...

...I suppose there's always something you could do about it.

You could show up at his brother's wedding, because it is his brother.

But that's only if you regretted it, which I don't regret it.

I just don't regret it. Regret is such a waste of time.

Honey will you just admit that you regret not going to this party.

- Okay, fine I regret not going to this party. - You need to let it go.

I'm letting it go. I'm over it.

Hi, honey, how did it go?

- Fine. No problem. - Good.

Did we have fun last night?

Yes, I did. It was great.

You guys were right, a transition guy is what I needed.

Good.

So how was he, was he good?

He was very sweet and complimentary.

And very into pleasing me first.

So how was girth?

Averag-ish.

"Averag-ish." That's good. So what did you tell him?

What do you mean?

What do we always tell them, no matter what?

Oh, my God, your penis is so big.

Good girl.

Your penis is so thick.

Your penis is just so pretty.

You got a handsome dick!

Your penis, it's so...

...hard.

Your penis is just so large.

My body is a movie...

...and your penis is the star!

You're too big to fit in here.

Too big to fit in here.

Too big to fit in here.

"You're too big to fit in here"

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, it's Fame! We're in Fame right now.

"What a lovely ride

"Your penis is a thrill

"Your penis is a Cadillac

A giant Coup de VIIle

"Your penis packs a wallop Your penis brings a load

"And when it makes a delivery It needs its own zip code

- "Nine" - "Doublezero"

"Penis"

"You're too big to fit in here"

"Your penis is so strong Your penis is so smooth"

- "Your penis has got a rhythm" - "Your penis makes me groove"

- "Your penis is a dream" - "The biggest one I've seen"

"It's oozy and it's green"

Sorry.

"You're too big to fit in here"

"You're too big to fit in here"

"Your penis is so big Your penis is so thick"

"Your penis is so pretty You got a handsome dick"

"Your penis is so hard Your penis is so large"

- "My body is a movie" - "And your penis is the star"

"Starring your penis"

"You're too big to fit in here"

- Come on. - How much time we got?

We've got three hours before the rehearsal. Hit the ball.

- Good shot. - Fore!

I'll shove that club up your ass, you dicklicker!

- What are you up by, two? - I guess.

It doesn't get any better than this.

- To the marriage. - To the marriage.

- To the bride. - To the bride.

To 50 years with the same woman.

That's really depressing.

Sorry.

Saggy tits.

Be able to use them as a belt by then.

- Or just tuck them in her socks. - Okay.

God, this marriage is such a big leap. It's really intense, Pete.

- But if it's the right  woman... - I guess.

Get up a little. Yes. Fore!

You motherers! Stop bothering me!

You're driving right into them.

I hear John is still AWOL from that bachelor party.

He showed up, missing an eyebrow, with a tattoo on his ass that says "Bitch."

- I am not an animal! - Very good.

Speaking of bitches...

...what was going on with you at the club with that hottle?

- Nothing. - I mean, Jesus!

I don't know what you're talking about.

- I think you liked her. - No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did. Don't lie to me.

Don't lie. Don't lie to Darth, Luke.

I could see it in your eyes you liked her.

Nothing I can do about it now.

Should have poked her in the whiskers when you had the chance.

What's that, Gramps?

I met this hot young dish...

...at the World's Fair back in 1940.

Every moment with her was like a slice of heaven.

I bet you really miss Grandma.

Fuck Grandma.

It's Pearl I'm talking about.

She was the love of my life. Don't ever let these moments pass you by.

Fucking Grandma.

Be nice.

Come on. 7-6.

Fore!

You suck!

Damn it!

- But you smell so minty fresh now. - What do you want?

I need to borrow your black Gucci bag.

It's in the living room.

I don't know where in the living room, and I don't feel like looking for it.

Will you help me find it, please? Come on, please.

Since I'm up now, and you decided to torture me...

...I'll go and get it.

I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Excuse me.

Can you tell me where the bathroom is?

- Behind you. - Over here?

Thanks.

Oh, my...

...cock.

Oh, my cock.

Do you have any Advil?

He is so cute. So stupid.

Can I get that purse now, please?

Yes, you can have the purse.

Here's the purse.

Thank you very much.

- Where are you going? - You and I are going to a wedding.

- What wedding? Who's getting married? - We're going to Peter's brother's wedding.

Peter?

This Somerset place where they live is some small freak-ass town...

...three hours north, so we have to get on the road now to make it on time.

- Peter. - What?

I'm not going to Peter's brother's wedding!

What are you talking about? Yesterday, you said you wanted to go, so I went...

- I was joking. - No, you weren't.

Yes, I was.

Fifty percent of what people say when they're joking is true.

Which means you do want to go, but you're too afraid to admit it.

So by making some sort of joke about it, you get to say what you really want...

...without being vulnerable.

- Right? - Maybe.

Okay. The wedding starts at 5:00. I refuse to be late.

Put some clothes on. Now! Thank you.

- That was a nice one. - Thanks.

- Watch the road, sweetie! - I am watching the road.

Once we get off the 140...

...we'll take the 95, get off on the Somerset exit.

We'll drive around and we should find the church, no problem.

Ta-da!

- What is that? - What is what?

- You don't smell that? - What? I don't smell anything.

- You're used to it. That's what's scary. - I don't smell anything.

It smells like mouldy ass, is what it smells like in here.

Come to think of it, I did leave some ass in the back.

- You did? - About a week ago.

It must be the ass. No, no. Sit down.

- What are you doing? - Jesus, Courtney.

What is all this crap?

Don't throw out anything I might need.

Where is it coming from? Where? I can still smell it.

Maybe it's you. Did something crawl up your poon-nonny?

I have never, ever had any complaints in the poon-nonny odour department.

- You know what? Neither have I. - High five on the clean poon-nonny.

Bitch.

What?

- What is this? - What is what?

What is this?  更多影评 www.130q.com

Jesus, I don't know. I don't know how long it's been in here.

What is in here?

No! That is not okay.

It isn't okay. You are a disgusting, nasty pig. Do you understand?

There was maggots on that flesh.

I got maggot juice all over me.

Ladies' room.

Ladies' room.

- Someone's in here. - Sorry.

- It might be a while. - How long?

Let me put it to you this way:

I had lamb curry last night and I'm shittlng out a Buick.

Was it absolutely vital for her to tell us that?

Was it absolutely vital for her to tell us that?

Hello?

Clear?

I feel like I have maggots all over me.

Don't move. You have a maggot right here.

Stop it.

I'm going to pee my pants.

I'll just use the urinal.

You want to hear some poetry?

"There once was a man from Bandoo Who fell asleep in a canoe"

"He dreamed of Venus And played with his penis"

"And woke up with a handful of goo"

Don't make me laugh!

Darn it. I think I peed on myself.

"Follow the yellow brick road"?

I'm following the yellow brick road. Follow the yellow brick road.

Buffy! You look like my old doggie Buffy. Hello, girl.

- Oh, my God, it's on my hands! - Good girl. What you got in here?

What you got? What's in your mouth?

What you got in there?

What's in there?

Surprise!

Goddamn it.

How could you not know what a glory hole is?

Unlike my whore friend Courtney Rockliffe...

...I don't usually spend much time in men's public bathrooms.

Goddamn. That is the funniest thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

I flew across that room. And you got ed in the eye.

I'm glad you find it so ing amusing. I really do.

Could you please have some compassion? Because I could go blind.

You're not going to go blind.

- Let me look at it. - I mean, I got a penis in my eye.

Let me see. Let me see.

All right.

- Is it okay? - Yeah, it's okay.

But I think you're pregnant.

Would you please stop it, already?

Re-dress the mannequins and check the sock inventory.

Come on, it's Saturday and nobody's here, and Mr. Mooney...

Mr. Mooney is off salling with his boytoy, which leaves me in charge of the store.

Somebody needs to get some.

There's my dirty girl!

It's me, baby. It's me.

- Why are you dressed like that? - It's my job. I work at a children's hospital.

You look so cute.

- I'm horny. - Me, too.

- You'll laugh at this one. - What?

You know I sald I had to do laundry today, because I ran out of clean underwear?

- I've only got the skanky ones left. - Tell me about it, dude.

You are so unbelievable.

Is that what I think it is?

- Spring break, 1994, baby. - Turn it up.

- Oh, my God! Brain. - Jane!

You and I are so awesome together.

We're like two peas in a pod.

- Like oil and vinegar... - Shut up.

I can't believe I'm ing a purple elephant.

What do you mean, she's not here? We have customers, missy.

Sorry, Mr. Mooney. I'll check upstairs.

I'm gone for one day, the place turns into Indonesia.

Jane?

- Are you okay? - I'm fine.

- What is going on? - Nothing.

I'm frantic. I've a million things to do. And I'm dizzy. I'm so dizzy.

Mr. Mooney is downstairs, and he is P-I-S-E-D.

"Pised"?

- Where have you been? - I was upstairs taking inventory.

Yeah, my aunt Fanny.

- Gallini's. -Hello, is Jane there? 

- Yes, she is. -Have a lovely day, 

- Hello? -Janie! 

Sorry, I can't talk right now. I'm really busy.

We were wondering: 

Shit.

Oh, shit.

I dropped the thingy to my lip gloss. Could you get it for me?

I'll get it.

It's too far over. I'll get it.

Hold on to it. Keep steering.

I got it. Don't worry.

Beneath the...

Yeah, baby!

- Oh, yeah, right there. - No, that's not it.

You like that?

Yeah. Let me have some of that.

- Oh, yeah. Don't stop. - I'm not going to stop.

I found it. I almost got smothered down there.

Shit.

Are you okay?

- You good? - Yeah, I'm good. Never better.

Let's get on the same page about what we'll say. Game plan.

Walk up to him and be like, "Peter, is that you?"

"My friend Courtney, that hot babe?" She and I went to college with the bride.

"That is unbelievable. I can't believe that. It's unbelievable.

"Freaky."

Afternoon.

- Miss Vera's has plenty to offer us. - Plenty of crap.

- We don't have time for this. - Okay, let's go.

- Welcome to my store. Can I help you? - No, we were just browsing. Thank you.

You don't like my store, do you?

No, that's not it at all. It's really a lovely store.

We were looking for something...

The next dress store is 20 miles from here.

20 miles away?

- We'll miss the wedding. - Judy Webb's wedding?

I know all about it. I dressed half the guests!

When I was 22...

...my breastices were, like, right about there.

Nice and perky.

Gravity has taken them to there.

It's like, 22, 28.

22, 28.

Buy some new ones.

Okay, wait. No, no. Look. What is this?

- What is that, though? - That, again, is gravity.

- Knock, knock. Are you decent? - Yeah.

You're going to love this stuff. It's our latest line.

If you need other sizes, just holler.

Thank you, Vera.

Excellent.

Jesus.

- Look. - That's nice.

Wait a minute. Do we have time for a movie montage?

Well, you know...

- Thank you so much. - You look sensational.

Thanks to your styling, Vera.

Thank you.

Would you like to be on our mailing list?

Sure. Right here?

Just send it there.

That's sweet.

It sure is. Thank you. Bye.

- We've got to go. - Oh, my God. I can't walk in this thing.

- Take little steps. - Bondage.

We don't have time, sweetie.

My God!

Oh, my God.

These are the days of our lives.

- This is not discreet. - No, it isn't.

- We can't walk into a wedding... - Come on. It's very LaToya Jackson.

I mean, really. Look at all this...

I may as well strap a sign on my ass that says "stalker."

I'm not going there wearing this outfit. Can we please just go?

- Yes. Let's go home. - Really?

We've driven for three and a half hours and everything.

- But, no, let's go. - Please.

- Really. Let's go. - Don't reverse psychology me right now.

I'm not reverse psychologing you.

You're so good at it, you don't know you're doing it anymore.

All right, maybe a little bit.

- Court, this is crazy. Really crazy. - What the hell were we thinking?

I wish there were some sign from God...

...that you and Peter Donahue should be together.

How do you know his last name is Donahue?

Because you're sitting on his face.

- My God, it's him! He's so cute! - Yeah, I know.

Cute? He's adorable!

And look at this. "Everything he touches turns to sold."

- He's funny! He's funny, too. See? - I know.

Church bells.

What do you think? Bride or groom's side?

I have to go to the bathroom, I think.

- Did you misplace your bladder today? - I'm wearing the tightest skirt ever.

Go to the bathroom. I'll find seats.

- Could you tell me where the restroom is? - It's right outside.

Hello?

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - I can't breathe.

Really? Okay. Just breathe, stay calm, you'll be okay.

Are you okay?

- You'll be fine. You'll be okay. - Water!

Okay.

- Thank you. - I'll leave you alone for a second, okay?

- Judy! - In a minute, Dad.

I don't want to go in the deep end. I don't want to go in the deep end!

Flowers!

I look like a magazine bride!

No, you don't. You look really beautiful. Like the perfect bride.

Why don't I feel good?

I'm sure that you're just really nervous. It's a big day, right?

It's what every girl dreams of, but...

...how do you know it's real?

I don't know. I can't answer that for you, really.

But I'm sure the two of you will be really happy together.

And if you're not, you can always just get divorced.

- Yeah! - Yeah, see? It'll be okay.

Right. You're so right.

So just get yourself together. You look smashing.

- I look beautiful! - You look amazing!

- I look beautiful. - You do. Amazing.

- Now, get off my dress. - I'm sorry.

I'm getting married!

Hi.

- I bet you miss Grandma. - Grandma.

Where is she?

Turn around.

It's Jesus. Look, it's Jesus.

Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Okay, boys. We're on.

- All right. Straight? - Big moment.

- You look nice, too. - Don't stress.

A little slap. Slap me.

Don't be gay in God's house. Give me a hit. Thank you. Let's do it.

Shit.

Chris?

- I'm okay. - My God! Honey, are you okay?

- What are you doing? - I got locked in.

- You all right? - Yeah.

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm good.

We don't have to lie anymore because I made friends with the bride.

No. You cannot lock the door. Goddamn it!

Hello!

Oh, please, God.

Suki, suki! 

It's already started.

I bet you miss Grandma.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

...to celebrate the holy matrimony...

...of Judith Katherine Webb...

...and Peter Donahue.

Peter?

Jesus Christ!

Peter? Shit!

She did it.

This isn't the Glickman bar mitzvah, is it?

- Moishe, are you here? No? - Come on, Sharon, let's go.

Mazel tov.

- Christina? - The hottie.

Shalom!

That's the strangest thing I've ever seen.

There are no Jews in Somerset.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

- Shall we proceed? - Sure.

Dearly beloved...

...we are gathered here today...

...to celebrate the holy matrimony...

...of Judith Katherine Webb and Peter Donahue.

Which is an honourable estate...

...instituted of God, signifying...

...unto us the mystical union...

...that is between Christ...

...and... - Peter.

...Saint...

- I'm having reservations. - Where?

And is commanded...

About this.

- Really? - Yeah.

...of Saint Paul...

- Me, too. - Really?

Yep.

And therefore, is not by any to be entered...

- I mean, I love you. - But I'm not in love bwith you.

...lightly.

Anymore!

- You're ruining it. - But...

We're still friends.

- I don't want to get married. - I don't want to get married.

No. No kiss. I haven't married you yet.

We're not getting married!

Miguel?

Dad!

Butwe are having the party. Exit in the back. It's to the left.

- How you doing? - Okay. Are you okay?

Yeah, no. I'm okay.

- You ower me $30,000 for this wedding. - Daddy, please.

- You know what I'm thinking of doing? - What's that?

I'll cash in the honeymoon tickets, fly to Bali, and go scuba diving.

- I'll rip your face off, peckerhead. - Daddy, stop.

- Sweetie? - Yes?

- I have a confession to make. - I have a confession to make. You're dead.

Dad. I met someone.

- You met someone. - Online.

Online.

His name is Ricky. I think he's really special.

Fuck it! It's go time! Son of a bitch!

Daddy, stop it!

Refresh my memory. Was that Peter's wedding we walked in on?

- Yeah. - That's what I thought.

I'm such an idiot.

No, you're not.

I meet a guy for two minutes...

...and I'm chasing after him like he's something special.

Maybe you want someone special for once.

Maybe you were thinking that you were tired of the game.

Are you tired of the game?

Yep.

Let's go home.

Okay.

My God! What's going on?

Excuse me, Officer?

What's going on here?

Twenty years on the force and I've never seen something so horrible.

- What? Where? - Where's the emergency?

Apartment three.

- That's my apartment! - Jane.

Poor girl. Never saw it coming.

Excuse me.

- Goddamn dress! - Don't go in. It's not a pretty sight.

I live here!

- Apparently, they're stuck. - What do you mean?

Are you okay?

How are you stuck?

I have a piercing.

- I don't get it. How is she stuck? - Behind her tonsils.

How the hell do you know that?

- Honey, I'm going to pull you gently. - No.

I'm going to pull it. Gently.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

We've got the ambulance waiting outside. We have to get going.

No, wait!

She could sing. You could sing, Jane. It relaxes the throat, honey.

Stop it! You're getting me hard again!

Wrong song.

Armageddon.

Come on, try.

What?

She says to him, "Girl You Know It's True changed my life."

It did!

And this sad little tear slowly...

Come on. What do you want from me? I was 16 years old.

I don't know why I started talking to her in the sccond grade.

- You thought I was the shit. - You are the shit.

Shithead.

- My God. - What?

They found a donor for my patient. I've got to go. I'm sorry, guys.

- Christina, it was great meeting you. - Nice to meet you, Greg.

- Jane, it was great meeting you. - Great meeting you.

So sorry to run off. I'll make you risotto tomorrow.

It's fine.

- Can I just say, that was so sweet? - He's great.

- He's so sweet. - Shut up.

He doesn't have any piercings, does he?

I don't know, actually...

...because I haven't done that with him yet.

- So, you know... - Honey, you really do like him.

I don'twant to talk about it, because I'll jinx it.

- I closed on the Mahalock house today. - Great news for you.

You don't need to do a thing.

- What did they say about aluminium siding? - No.

- Really? - Really.

Be careful with those fat-free chips. They cause anal leakage.

- You cause anal leakage. - Says so on the bag.

What kind of marketing brainiac puts "anal leakage" on his product?

How can they even sell that crap?

- What time is your flight? - 9:30.

I can't believe you're going to Costa Rica.

Your female problems are over with.

- Hope so. - They are.

You know what I hear about Costa Rican women?

- For five pesos... - No, Rog.

They take your chimichanga and your pequito...

- No, se駉r. - Listen to me!

Fuck you.

All I'm saying is, make nice with the concierge, okay?

- You all right, Vera? - Couldn't be better.

- Thank you so much. - Where do you want it?

Put her down right here.

Since you're going away, do you want to be on our malling list?

Yes, ma'am. I'd love to. Thank you.

I've been trying to get us off that mailing list since 1982.

Relax.

This is the hottest chick in this store and I caught her trying to escape.

Very strange.

Sweetie, Christina, what's going on? What happened?

I came to just eat my cookie and make a phone call, but...

You didn't want to eat the cookies? What?

- Just read this. - All right.

"Commandment number nine: Thou shalt love what's possible."

Honey, we have gone over this.

You did not know the guy was getting married.

It's all right. He wasn't possible.

Not that one. The next one. Commandment ten.

- "Thou shalt not fear"? - Yes. "Thou shalt not fear."

What are you talking about, fear?

What you did was an incredibly brave thing.

You dropped all of your boundaries and you met this guy halfway.

More than halfway, you went to Somerset.

Guys, it was just another game. Come on.

If he hadn't been getting married, wasn't the groom, what would I've done?

That's right.

I would've done the same old thing. I would have hesitated. I would have...

...froze up. I would have kissed him and then ran off.

Give him the wrong phone number.

Hook that fish and just throw him right back.

Jesus.

I'm stuck in a rut.

Big, fat rut.

Guys, I don'twant to be that girl anymore.

- I know. - You know?

I know. None of us do.

Let's go dancing.

So, any chance?

Of what? No, don't even bother. She's on a mission.

- How is it shaking, ladies? - No, thank you.

Your body is banging. Your face is...

Neato. Thanks. Neat.

What's going on, hot mama?

Bringing it down. Bringing it up now!

Here it comes, baby. Feel the monkey. Work the monkey.

The monkey, the monkey, the monkey!

- You'reworking that monkey. - You're a really good dancer.

- You have some original moves. - Thanks, I've been working on it.

- Have we met before? - A couple of times.

I'm Donny.

Christina.

This is like Sixteen Candles.

I'd love to take you out sometime.

Really? Well, that's nice. I mean...

Give me your card, I'll call you sometime.

Thank you.

You seem like a really nice person.

- Work on the monkey. - I'll work on the monkey.

Hey, Donny.

- Do you have a pen? - You bet.

I'm a jerk and I wanted to apologize, because I didn't plan on calling you.

I'll give you my number so that you can call me...

...because I found out something that was completey life-changing:

It's okay to take a chance.

Love is crazy and that's what love is, it's taking a chance.

My girlfriend Courtney and I went on this crazy ride for a guy.

I went across the state, practically, to find this guy that I don't even know.

I don't even know you, but here I am, having this conversation with you.

And I know that if I just take a chance with you, maybe, I don't know...

Forget it.

What's a guy got to do to get laid?

- Chris? - Yeah?

Honey?

What?

My God.

What am I going to do?

I think you can handle this one on your own.

It's all good, girl.

Figure this one out. Figure it out. Okay.

Christina?

What are you doing here?

- I came here to apologize to you. - For what?

For not telling you I was getting married.

I should have told you that and I didn't. I'm sorry.

You're the guy that needs the last fling before your wedding.

No. I'm not that guy.

You spilled my drink and I let you buy me a beer. Tha twas all there was to it.

We had fun, we talked and that was it.

Right?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I didn't get married.

- What do you mean? - Judy and I, we called it off.

I hope my... That thing that happened didn't have anything to do with it.

No, it had nothing to do with that.

We realiezd we were doing the wrong thing. Two people should be in love.

But Judy is happy. She's scuba diving in Bali.

She really liked you, too. Why were you at my wedding?

It was just one of those spontaneous things my girlfriend and I do.

It was just, really...

It just got screwed up.

I came here tonight because I wanted to see you.

I thought that maybe...

Well, that night that we met...

...I thought there was something, some feeling I had about us.

I thought that maybe you might feel that way, too.

Is this a mutual thing? This is not a mutual thing at all.

This is a very stupid thing. I'm stupid.

I should go. I really apologize for wasting your time.

And I'll go jump off the Golden Gate Bridge now.

Thanks. See you. I'm stupid. That's right.

That's exactly what I wanted to do.

Yes. Gosh, it's going so well.

I'm not going to be afraid.

Peter?

Shit. Peter, wait!

Shit.

Come on!

Are you okay?

Yes.

I don't think I handled that too...

I didn't handle it at all. I'm so sorry.

I wanted to find you so that I could tell you...

...that I did come to your wedding because I wanted to see you again...

...because the feeling is mutual, and you better be a good kisser.

That was weak.

- Weak? - Yeah.

It's okay. You can try again.

You were so much better in my dream.

Hold these.

- I thought this was mutual. - Oh, my God.

I'm serious. I'll call you, okay?

What? Wait!

Thanks for the flowers. Nice touch.

I'm out of practice! I just woke up!

Unbelievable!

Christina Walters. Yep. I know her.

Bitch. Made my life a living hell.

She tries to pawn me off on her friend. She calls me a dick.

She hunts me down like a dog at my own wedding.

Then, when I try to apologize, she's like:

"I don't know you. You're one of hundreds. I have no feelings for you..."

Is that how I sound?

The movie is starting. Let's go!

Fuck Grandma.

Save yourself a buck.

- A girl that you lick. - Really?

- That you lick. - A girl that I lick?

Are you all right?

You'rewatching the credits?

- Chicks freak on this guy. - You ower me thirty...

Copy that.

Is that what you want?

I think there's always time for a movie montage.

I hope you like how y I am.

Okay. I'm not going to be afraid.

I'm not.

It's a very bad rumour. It's a rumour. I'm serious.

Crap.

You really got my ass. It's good.

Cut!

- I look beautiful. - You look amazing.

- I look beautiful. Thank you. - You do. Amazing.

We can sit here like this all night.

- I bet you miss Grandma. - Grandma.

- I'm not bah-jiggity. - You are so bah-jiggity.

It's Jesus. Look, it's Jesus.

I guess a blowjob is out of the question?

That is the sweetest thing.

Bye!

Well, that was fun.

I like Cameron Diaz. I just plain like her. She's able to convey bubble-brained zaniness about as well as anyone in the movies right now, and then she can switch gears and give you a scary dramatic performance in something like "Vanilla Sky." She's a beauty, but apparently without vanity; how else to account for her appearance in "Being John Malkovich," or her adventures in "There's Something About Mary"? I don't think she gets halfway enough praise for her talent.

Consider her in "The Sweetest Thing." This is not a good movie. It's deep-sixed by a compulsion to catalog every bodily fluids gag in "There's Something About Mary" and devise a parallel clone-gag. It knows the words but not the music; while the Farrelly brothers got away with murder, "The Sweetest Thing" commits suicide.

And yet there were whole long stretches of it when I didn't much care how bad it was--at least, I wasn't brooding in anger about the film--because Cameron Diaz and her co-stars had thrown themselves into it with such heedless abandon. They don't walk the plank, they tap dance.

The movie is about three girls who just wanna have fun. They hang out in clubs, they troll for cute guys, they dress like Maxim cover girls, they study paperback best-sellers on the rules of relationships, and frequently (this comes as no surprise), they end up weeping in one other's arms. Diaz's running-mates, played by Christina Applegate and Selma Blair, are pals and confidantes, and a crisis for one is a crisis for all.

The movie's romance involves Diaz meeting Thomas Jane in a dance club; the chemistry is right but he doesn't quite accurately convey that the wedding he is attending on the weekend is his own. This leads to Diaz's ill-fated expedition into the wedding chapel, many misunderstandings, and the kind of Idiot Plot dialogue in which all problems could be instantly solved if the characters were not studiously avoiding stating the obvious.

The plot is merely the excuse, however, for an astonishing array of and body-plumbing jokes, nearly all of which dream of hitting a home run like "There's Something About Mary," but do not. Consider "Mary's" scene where Diaz has what she thinks is gel in her hair. Funny--because she doesn't know what it really is, and we do. Now consider the scene in this movie where the girls go into a men's room and do not understand that in a men's room a hole in the wall is almost never merely an architectural detail. The pay-off is sad, sticky, and depressing.  www.130q.com

Or consider a scene where one of the roommates gets "stuck" while performing oral . This is intended as a ripoff of the "franks and beans" scene in "Mary," but gets it all wrong. You simply cannot (I am pretty sure about this) get stuck in the way the movie suggests--no, not even if you've got piercings. More to the point, in "Mary" the victim is unseen, and we picture his dilemma. In "Sweetest Thing," the dilemma is seen, sort of (careful framing preserves the R rating), and the image isn't funny. Then we get several dozen neighbors, all singing to inspire the girl to extricate herself; this might have looked good on the page, but it just plain doesn't work, especially not when embellished with the sobbing cop on the doorstep, the gay cop, and other flat notes.

More details. Sometimes it is funny when people do not know they may be consuming semen (as in "American Pie") and sometimes it is not, as in the scene at the dry cleaners in this movie. How can you laugh when what you really want to do is hurl? And what about the scene in the ladies' room, where the other girls are curious about Applegate's boobs and she tells them she paid for them and invites them to have a feel, and they do, like shoppers at Kmart? Again, a funny concept. Again, destroyed by bad timing, bad framing and overkill. Because the director, Roger Kumble, doesn't know how to set it up and pay it off with surgical precision, he simply has women pawing Applegate while the scene dies. An unfunny scene only grows worse by pounding in the concept as if we didn't get it.

So, as I say, I like Cameron Diaz. I like everyone in this movie (I must not neglect the invaluable Parker Posey, as a terrified bride). I like their energy. I like their willingness. I like the opening shot when Diaz comes sashaying up a San Francisco hill like a dancer from "In Living Color" who thinks she's still on the air. I like her mobile, comic face--she's smart in the way she plays dumb. But the movie I cannot like, because the movie doesn't know how to be liked. It doesn't even know how to be a movie.

Women are often termed "the fairer ." Besides the fact that they are arguably more aesthetically pleasing, the phrase also implies that the XX-chromosomed are somehow less prone to the base instincts which make their XY-bearing brethren buy swimsuit calendars, pay to see movies starring Denise Richards, and watch Cinemax late on Friday night.

This is, of course, nonsense. Every week on HBO, the mavens of Sex and the City prove that even the classiest women rut in the same gutter as men when it comes to affairs of the crotch. Another, even more sordid piece of evidence to this fact is The Sweetest Thing, a Farrelly brothers-esque crass-a-thon posing as a My Best Friend's Wedding-like romantic comedy. Sure, the film has has the trappings of your typical chick flick, with the requisite female bonding and pop-ditty soundtrack. But the unexceptional story is dotted with enough moments of sheer hilarity to set it just above its estrogen-oozing ilk.

If you met Christina Walters (Cameron Diaz) in real life, you'd probably want to strangle her. Tall, gorgeous, and emptier than an alcoholic's liquor cabinet, she's one of those totally successful people who never seems to have to work. Instead, her existence revolves around hitting the San Francisco club scene in skimpy outfits with her surgically enhanced fellow man-killer, Courtney (Christina Applegate). Together, they tease every heteroual male in the place by shaking their groove thangs but remaining completely unattainable. "Distance is your safety net," Christina coos to her recently dumped roommate, Jane (Selma Blair), reasoning that if you don't let any man past your emotional defenses, you can never get hurt.

But once she utters these words, you know Christina is going to fall for a guy hard. That lucky fellow is Peter Donahue (Thomas Jane), a salesman from California's wine country who bumps into our heroine while living it up in the city for a bachelor party. They get off to a shaky start: She grabs his butt and then tries to fob him off on Jane; he promptly tells her off, summing up her shallow existence in a piercing burst of on-the-spot psychoanalysis. After that, the sparks fly until Peter's brother, Roger ('80s teeny-bopper relic Jason Bateman), drags the poor sap away before he can even give the girl some phone digits.  更多 www.130q.com

Naturally, Christina pines for the only man who's ever stood up to her, and she sets out to find him. The only clue she has to go on is that Peter's brother is getting married the following weekend up north. So, without further ado, she and Courtney hit the road to track Peter down, engaging in no end of typical road-trip mischief along the way.

The Sweetest Thing is completely derivative, and Christina and Courtney's hijinks don't break any new ground. While shopping for dresses at a secondhand shop, Christina actually says, "Do we have time for a movie montage?" The pair then dance around dressed up as their favorite icons from the 1970s and 1980s, including Madonna, Jennifer Beals in Flashdance, and Rizzo from Grease. They also end up in a compromising position in the car while wearing only their skivvies, causing a horny biker driving alongside to crash his hog.

But while many gags are as dumb as they come, a good chunk are undeniably funny. The best is a wild ual encounter between Jane and her new boy-toy, a clueless hunk who dresses up in an elephant suit to entertain a children's cancer ward. When he shows up to the boutique where Jane works, the two get it on inside a dressing room while he's still in costume. It's a riotous coupling that will have the stuffed-animal fetishists called "furries" trembling in their foam-rubber underwear.

What ultimately saves The Sweetest Thing is the charisma of its stars. Diaz remains as appealing as ever, even if her lowbrow shtick occasionally veers into Jenny McCarthy territory. The real winner here is Applegate, whose mercenary pursuit of hedonism is more Sex and the City's Kim Cattrall than Married with Children's Kelly Bundy. The actress comes off as poised and classy, even when she's letting curious gawkers in the ladies' room take her silicone-enhanced goods for a test drive. Every minute Applegate is on-screen, The Sweetest Thing is irresistible, and her turn will leave viewers — particularly romantically frustrated male ones — clamoring for more.

Reviewing "The Sweetest Thing" is like shooting a horse with four broken legs. You want to be cognizant of the poor beast's misery, but you're too aware of your own. This picture is one of the flattest, stupidest, unfunniest comedies -- as well as one of the worst all-round pictures -- I've ever seen.

Who can I recommend "The Sweetest Thing" to? To people whose idea of comedy is seeing an old man in a "Who Farted?" T-shirt exclaim "Fuck Grandma!" Or to those who relish the sight of white people attempting to talk black. The alleged director, Roger Kumble, had an amusing debut with "Cruel Intentions," his teen version of "Les Liaisons Dangereuses." That movie had a good, dirty-minded spirit that kept it from falling into adolescent soap. But free to indulge his taste for raunchy humor, he falls into crassness.

I can best describe the tone of "The Sweetest Thing" by telling a story. Earlier this week, I was riding the subway when, at one stop, a group of guys from a technical training school, just out of an exam, piled into the car. At the next stop, a young woman, obviously dressed for a party, entered in sparkly high-heeled platforms, a strapless flouncy black dress and a furry coat. She looked like a cancan dancer on her way to work. The kidding that the guys had been indulging in immediately gave way to utterly unsubtle staring and to the most insulting remarks. "This ain't 42nd Street," one of them said, as if a girl in a party dress just had to be a hooker. My wife, who was riding with me, wasn't so much insulted at these guys' behavior as appalled by their pack-mentality idiocy. "Do any of these wankers think this is the way to get a girl?" she asked.  www.130q.com

"The Sweetest Thing" is proof that that sort of behavior isn't any more attractive when it comes from women. Cameron Diaz plays a young, hip San Francisco something or other who shares an apartment with her two girlfriends (Christina Applegate and Selma Blair). The three of them sink their hooks into whatever man-meat crosses their paths like leopards taking down a grazing gazelle. An early club sequence gets laughs out of the guys who try to pick these girls up. But watching Applegate suck her martini olives while making eye contact with a guy, or watching Diaz grab a guy's ass and then call him a dick because he doesn't respond to her overtures, you decide there isn't much difference between oafs and oafesses on the prowl. What there is of a plot involves Applegate's attempts to hook Diaz up with a cute guy (Thomas Jane) she meets at a club by taking a road trip to a Northern California town where he's participating in a wedding.

Is it foolish and naive of me to wonder how movies like this get made? Are audiences so undiscriminating that they will plunk down $9 to see something this creatively bankrupt? Is it pointless to open a review with two obviously redundant questions? Apparently, there is a prevailing line of thought in Hollywood that vulgarity equates to humor. Bodily fluids mean uncontrollable laughter. The more phlegm, semen, and urine there is in a movie, the better it must be. This is, of course, the mentality of an eight year-old boy, so that effectively pigeonholes the intellectual level of the average Hollywood producer. That's not to say that all gross-out comedies are bad. But something like The Sweetest Thing, which loses its sense of humor in a vat of failed jokes, twitchy acting, and general boorishness, reminds us that few things are less appealing than a comedy where intoxication is mandatory to stimulate laughter. (Or, to put it another way, don't see this movie unless you're drunk or stoned.)

One has to suppose that Cameron Diaz agreed to star in this movie because she thought it might be the next There's Something About Mary. Either that, or she got a really nice paycheck. At any rate, she's The Sweetest Thing's lone bright spot. This isn't good acting, but she's perky and effervescent, and her character, Christina, has an unforced charm. Less impressive is a brunette Christina Applegate, who will never live down her role as Kelly Bundy in "Married with Children". As Courtney, Applegate seems strangely self-conscious, as if she's aware that she's playing to the camera. There are a few times when she lets go and falls into place, but, for the most part, she doesn't seem comfortable. Maybe it's all those women groping her breasts in the restroom. Then there's poor Selma Blair's Jane, whose only reason for being in this movie is to see just how much degradation an actress can endure. In her case, it's a lot.

On the surface, The Sweetest Thing is a romantic comedy about a party girl who falls for a guy (Thomas Jane) she meets at a night club. The two spar, but there's a spark; however, Christina never gets his name, so she spends the rest of the movie looking for him. That necessitates a road trip, with Christina and Courtney searching high and low for her would-be beau. Take away the road trip, the stuff with Selma Blair, and the wedding scenes, and The Sweetest Thing has some promise as a throw-away, lighthearted romance. Unfortunately, once those elements are gone, what's left only has a running time of about 13 minutes.  www.130q.com

The director is Roger Kumble, the man responsible for butchering "Les Liaisons Dangereuses" in Cruel Intentions. Here, armed with an original script, he doesn't do any better. Many of the so-called comic sequences are strangely constructed - they seem to be leading up to a punch-line that never comes. For example, consider a scene in which a red-faced Jane takes a sperm-stained dress to the cleaners. As she's handing it over to the old man behind the counter, the store starts filling up with people she knows, including a priest. While we're waiting for something funny to happen, the movie cuts to another scene. Belatedly, we realize that the mere presence of the priest is what we were supposed to laugh at. Oops, too late. Much of the movie is like that - little vignettes that are supposed to be hilarious, but aren't. It's hard to miss them. They are all italicized.

The Sweetest Thing has its saccharine side, but you won't care enough about Christina or her Mr. Right for it to matter. We don't sympathize with these characters; we view them with a condescension bordering on contempt (which is the tone adopted by Kumble). The movie answers all of the important questions. Will true love triumph of the adversity of circumstances? (Of course.) Can Cameron Diaz do a credible impersonation of Olivia Newton-John? (Yes.) Is it a smart idea to perform oral on a guy with a genital piercing? (Not unless the girl has had a tonsillectomy.) Regardless of how you look at it, there's something sour about The Sweetest Thing.