相信男人，Trust the Man

Trust The Man script

[Child] I need help!

- I'll go. - [Baby] Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,

Oh, don't worry, sweetheart. Dad'll be right back.

Daddy's not leaving, honey. He's just helping your brother in the bathroom.

It's okay, Hey, look at that!

What's going on?

I'm trying to poop, but I can't.

Just relax, David. Don't work so hard.

But my stomach hurts. I had to burp, but I need to poop.

Well, sometimes ifyou just sit there, a fart will just work its way out.

Who said anything about a fart?

[ Woman ] Honey! The Terminixguyis fiinished,

A fart's just as good as a burp, David, sometimes even better.

A fart, a burp or a poop.

- [ Clears Throat ] What am I talking about? - [ Man ] Mr, Ponson,,,

- you have a problem. - Fantastic,

[ David] Here it comes!

[ Chattering On TV]

I gotta bring these galleys I proofed into work today.

Shouldn't your boss be proofin' those?

Yeah, she should, but she's behind for maternity leave...

so I'm covering for her.

So much for taking the job soyou can work on your book.

Anyway, it would be great ifyou could drive me.

- Oh, sweetie, I can't. Today is Monday. - So?

Well, alternate side is in efifiect, so I gotta move the car,

- I nto another parking spot? - Yeah.

You're not going to drive me because you have to park the car on the other side of the street?

Well, you're oversimplifying it now.

How's that? You only use the car when you need to drive it 1 0 feet...

- into a legal parking spot, - If I'm lucky.

That doesn't make any sense!

Look, ifwe're not gonna use it, will you just sell it?

I like knoWing it's there,

Booyah! Bam! Bam!

Mmm. Right. So ifthere's an emergency, we always have a way out of Manhattan.

Well, you laugh now, but that thing is fully equipped.

Tobey, you've got two bottles ofwater in there and four PowerBars.

How far is that gonna get us?

The car has special meaning to me. Can you deal with that?

Why?

Look, ifiyou must knoW,,,

the first time I saw you, I was in that car.

- Fine. - [ keysjangle ]

I'll take a cab.

[ Passes Wind ]

- I gotta go. - All right, baby.

- Later. - [ Man On TV] What, areyou kiddin'me?

[ WaterTrickles ]

Okay, so it sounds like everything's goin' good.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I mean, there's still all the same old issues.

What are those? What are the same oldissues?

- Well, you know, like no . - Well, that's your issue.

- [Ponson ] I'dsaythat's ourissue, - [ Woman ] No, I'm just not,,,

a maniac like you are.

I'm not a maniac. I just like it.

[ Softly] Twice a day.

[ Ponson ] What is that look supposed to mean?

It's not like I'm saying I like to kill babysquirrels, I like to have ,

- Always from behind. - Now, that is a lie.

- That's a lie, - [ Woman ] You knoW it is not, Tom,

You know, sometimes I would just like to look at you.

Maybe you'd have more luck ifyou did something a little more romantic.

The onlyWayto approachyou is firom behind becauseyourback's alWays turned to me,

I'm reading. I just like to have a minute to myselfwithout you pawing at me all day.

Well, fiorgive me ifil Want to touch myWifie,

Here's what I think. I think, if I may say...

we could get a lot more work done ifyou'd come in more than once a year.

Would you think about it?

- We'll think about it. - Yeah.

Would you- And, Tom...

Iisten to Rebecca and don't- don't paw at her.

And just give her some space, okay?

And Rebecca, think about having with Tom.

[ Whispers ] Possibly doggy style.

Okay?

And I have your cell numbers, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Therapy always makes me so horny.

Did he actually say 揹oggy style"?

Yeah. I knew I liked that guy.

- I gotta go. - Mmm. No.

Tom, I have rehearsal. Don't suck my face off.

Did I tell you I had a dream last night thatyou gave me a blow job?

Yeah. I had a dream that I gaveyou a German shepherd.

Unhand me. And remember, you're picking up David from school...

and we need milk.

I know. It's my new life- househusband.

Hey, dude. You asked for it.

[Man ] Yo, Miss Pollack, Rebecca, Yo!

Come on, Rebecca, Just give us a couple ofipictures!

※[ Hip-hop Folk ]

[ Typing ]

[ Timer Dings ]

[ Honking ]

[ Conti nues Honking ]

- Yeah, you leavin'? - You wish!

- Blow me, dickhead! - [ Tires Screech ]

??[ Continues, Indistinct]

- Megan Sweetlander's office. Please hold. - [ Phone Rings ]

- Megan Sweetlander's office. Please hold. - [ Phone Rings ]

Megan Sweetlander's office. May I help you?

- Hey, it's me. - Oh, God.

- I'm swamped here. - Oh, just hang up on them all.

[ Phone Rings ]

- [ Ringing Stops ] - I did it.

Oh, my God. I was kidding!

-Jesus, that felt good. - Hey, doyou think I'm crazy?

Not compared to other actresses, no.

How often do you and my brother have ?

Satisfying orjust ?

- Oh, say no more. - I try to, but he won't listen.

Ha-ha.

You know, we have good-

We have good . Sometimes.

- [ Woman ] Elaine! - Um, I really gotta go.

Do you everworry that Tobey'll cheat on you?

Onlywith his therapist. I'm hanging up.

Uh, unfortunately, we do not accept unsolicited manuscripts.

- You never have time for me any- - Thankyou.

- [ Woman ] Elaine. - Yes.

[ Singsong ] 揂 curveball is the speed ofthe air...

- moving fast"- - [ Cell Phone Plays Tune ]

- [ Cries ] - Hey.

Hey, I'm just reading your article on wrist injuries in older pitchers.

That's fascinating stuff.

Yep. I really blew the lid off carpal tunnel syndrome.

- [ Crying ] - Well, at leastyou have a job.

When Rebecca asked what I was doing this morning, I said 搕he usual."

You think she knew that meant breakfast,jerk off, nap, late lunch?

Yeah, well, maybe I shouldn't have quit advertising.

As I remember, you hated it, felt empty and hollow...

worthless, void of meaning, purposeless-

Any ofthis ring a bell?

It might be better than this. I'm beginning to feel like a kept boy.

- Only I don't know what I'm being kept for. - Sex?

Sure, ifyou're up for it. Rebecca's not.

That's weird. She slept with everyone in high school.

And even when we do have ...

it's- it's like she's not adventurous anymore.

Cottage cheese.

It's like she used her ual adventurousness to lure me in, and she's just normal.

She's just normal. Mommy's just normal!

I guess you hoped it'd be more like marrying a hooker, huh?

Yeah. Except without the payment though.

- Speaking ofthat, doyou have anotherword for fish lover? - Hold on a second.

Excuse me, sir. Can we cut in front ofyou?

We gotta get home for our nap.

We gotta rush. We're in a rush.

Um... aficionado?

- Doyou take milk? - Oh. I do...

but I like to pour it myself.

Oh, yeah.

I just wanted to say I thinkyou're awesome...

and I feel incredible...

to be able to, you know...

share the stage with you, Miss Pollack.

Rebecca. What was your name again?

Jasper.

- I had a puppy named Jasper. - Hi.

That's funny, because my last name is Bernard.

[ Laughing ]

- Like Saint Bernard. - Right.

[ Clears Throat ] Like the dog.

- Right. - Yeah.

Okay. Well, I'll seeyou tomorrow.

Mmm. Oh!

Careful.

[Man ] Mydear,

- Doyou have a moment? - Oh, yeah.

I knowyou turned down a film to do this role, and I do appreciate that.

I do, however, feel the need to remind you...

that this is a play, not a film...

and it will require some projection.

- It was just a table read. - No defenses, okay? [ Clicks Tongue ]

Oh,Jasper!

[David] Dad, I can't reach it, Help me,

Oh, you're close.

Reach,

Hey, Mom, I wanna take home mine too.

Okay. Go ahead.

You know you're breaking the rules.

What do you mean?

That stuffs not supposed to go home till the end oftheyear.

Well, David told me he needed- he needed it.

Yeah? You also give him chocolate for dinner, right?

What areyou, the room monitor or something?

No. It's refreshing to see someone breaking the rules.

- You're a rebel. - Mom, help me!

[ Woman ] Okay, Here We go, I'll helpyou too, David,,,

- Thankyou. - 'cause your dad would leave you standing here all day.

- Wow, you're strong! - [ Chuckles ] Thankyou.

Ifyou tell, I'll sayyou did it, and they'll believe me.

Come on.

[Man ] Come backsoon, Thankyou,

So hoW come onlyonce ayear?

Well,you don't Want to dissect it too much, It's like a tune-up,

Ifyou go regularly, you just become one of those couples...

that disappears up their own assholes, you know?

As my father used to say.

Thankyou for that image while I'm eating a whole fish.

I don't think fish have assholes.

Boys. No more use ofthat word while there's food on the table.

Yeah. They got us.

- How's the play going? - It's all right.

The director's sort of a pretentious moron.

- That's a drag. - Hi, Roberto.

- Ciao, Miss Pollack. - [ Imitates Waiter]

- And this has got to be... - [ Whispers ] Asshole.

my last carbohydrate-heavy meal for a very long time.

[Elaine ]Areyou kidding? You lookgreat,

How's the book?

- [ Tom Groans ] - I think I'm done.

- [ Rebecca ] WoW! [ Elaine ] I'm gonna start sending it out to agents,

- Yowsa. - What?

I don't knoW What makes me think I knoW anything about kids,

- [ Rebecca ] No, it's a terrifiic idea, - Oh, my God.

- [ Whispering ] That's Faith Faison. - That's Faith Faison?

He already wants to know when they're making it into a movie.

[ Elaine Giggles ]

- She sees you. - [Elaine ] What areyou doing?

- [ Grunting ] - Sometimes you get-

- Tasting the wine. - something caught in your mouth.

- [ Slaps Back] - Tobey!

- [ Gasps, Laughs ] Faith, wow! - My God!

[Faith ] HoW areyou?

- [ Mumbles ] - Oh, my God! I can't believeyou're here!

[Faith ] Geez! Whoa!

Well, no, I alWays come here, You're not gonna fiind better Northern Italian fiood,,,

- anywhere in the city. - [ Mouths Words ]

- [ Slaps Chair ] That's my husband. - What?

- [ Faith Giggles ] - Oh! Well, that's my girlfriend. Of seven years.

- Oh! - Elaine.

- Hi. - Hi. It's nice to meetyou.

- Congratulations on getting married. - Oh, thankyou.

Areyou guys gonna?

[Tobey] What?

We're married. And it's overrated.

- What? - [ Laughs ] Uh-oh!

- Hi-oh! - [Faith ] I'dbettergo,

- [Faith ] So great to seeyou, - [ Tobey] Yeah,

- Yeah. - Oh,Jesus Christ.

And I hope you don't mind me saying, but I love yourwork.

Thankyou very much.

You hate that, don't you?

[ Laughing ] Bye-bye.

So, who was that chick?

Who?

Tobey! You are the worst.

What, Faith? I don't know. Knew her in college.

- She an old girlfriend? - No.

- She's pretty. - Yeah. You see her boyfriend?

I mean, doyou have to work out every day?

Did you know, by the way, that muscle sinks faster in the pool?

[ Laughing ] He's her husband, actually.

Oh. Seems a littleyoung for that, doesn't she?

You're the only one who thinks you have to be 40 to get married.

She probablywanted to do it before she was completely barren.

Oh! That reminds me. I taped the, uh, documentary foryou...

on the Serengeti.

Tobey! I said Ferlinghetti.

It was forwork.

Oh.

Well, hey, come on. Serengeti's cool. Right?

Yeah. It's great.

See? I'm fun.

Mmm. Who knew lobster cannelloni was an aphrodisiac?

Is that what this is?

- No. It's lobster Ponson. - [ Rebecca Giggling ]

You pay Maria when we get home and then meet me in the bedroom.

Like for ?

Don't ruin it.

- Thankyou so much, - [ Maria ] Thankyou.

- The kids were great. - The kids loveyou.

- David drew a big picture ofbaboon- - That's great.

and the little girl.

- You get home safe. - Thankyou very much.

Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou.

I, uh-

I have to go to the bathroom.

I'm gonna get a drink.

[DoorCloses ]

Mmm.

Mmm!

[Toilet Flushes ]

[ Gags ]

- [ Gagging ] - ??[R&B]

[ Wheezing, Choking ]

[ Gagging, Choking]

[Spits Liquid]

What the hell? Huh?

Oh!

[ Tom Grunts ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Gags, Vomits ]

It was my last night of carbs...

and I wanted to take advantage of it.

You know, sometimes it's those near-death experiences...

that make us wanna participate in life that much more.

[ Kisses ]

I can still kinda taste the throw up.

Good.

[ Tom ] Whoa, whoa! Oh!

Bouncy, bouncy. Bouncy, bouncy.

Just one more thing, then we're gonna go home, okay?

- [Man ] Is that it? - Let me get one ofthose.

- This one? - No, no, no,

Three down from Sports World and one to the left.

Uh... this one?

No, no. Your other left. Diag- Diagonal from there.

Shaved? [ Chuckles ]

Ah, good one. That's 3.1 5.

Here. Candy for the baby.

- Good man. - And the candy, one dollar.

[ Rebecca ] No, I-I don't Wanna be too hard on him,

It's just that I feel like he's not directed, and that makes him unhappy.

And the more unhappy he gets, the more desperate he gets.

And the more desperate he gets, the less I wanna have with him.

Oh. ForTobey, desperation is foreplay.

You know, I should probably be...

more attentive.

Or at least permissive.

Doyou everwonder whatyour life would be like...

ifyou'd chosen someone different?

Like, okay, I was on the train the other day.

This guywas sitting across from me.

He was wearing this big, cozyVermonty sweater.

Just seemed...

old-fashioned...

Iike he probably had tons ofkids who climb all over him at bedtime.

They go sledding in the winter.

Pick flowers in the spring. Kill deer in the fall.

No. I just did not expect towant to have a babythis soon.

A baby?

Oh, I don't know.

All ofa sudden it just...

feels right.

Honey, you're soyoung, you know?

And Tobey, he's just like a teenager with a checking account.

Excuse me. These are from theyoung man over in the corner.

He wanted you to know that you are, like... awesome?

- Who is that? - See ya at rehearsal.

I'll tellya later,

- [ Tom ] That Was kinda fiun, - [ Rebecca ] Yeah,

[ Tom ] Maybe I should become a fiirst grade teacher,

Who Was that mother you Were talking to?

Who?

Oh, that- that's, uh, that's Shannon's mom, you know?

She's a divorcee, right?

[ Laughs ] I don't think anybody's used that term...

since, like, 1 954.

She's pretty.

I guess.

You know, uh, you do kinda owe me.

- I owe you? - And I know you're tired.

But I have a waywhere you don't have to exert any energy at all.

Do you have to wearyour retainer?

[ Lisping ] Ifthat's one ofyour tapes, you can forget it.

※[ Scatting ]

[ Continues Humming ]

- [ VCR Clicks ] - [ Humming ]

- [Tape Begins ] - Okay.

Here's how it's gonna go down.

I'm gonna close my eyes...

and you have to tell me everything that's happening on TV.

No way in hell I'm gonna do that.

It's either that or actual . You make the call.

This is erotic foryou?

- Okay- - Oh. No, no, no.

Okay. There's some kind of a credit sequence happening.

Just, uh- it's very simple. Black on white titles.

Okay, Scorsese. Saveyour breath for the good stuff.

Now there's some people in the worst set design I have ever seen.

- Come on. - Okay, Um-

Okay, no, here they go. Here they go.

- Wow. Um-yeah, pants are off. - Mm-hmm.

Dress is off. Penis is hard. They're starting.

A little less like a list, please.

- Oh,Jesus. - What?

This guy's dick is green and kind of crooked.

It's, like, twice the size ofyours! [ Laughs ]

- Another, um- anotherwoman's coming in. - Yeah?

- She is Chinese. - Nice.

- No, No, - No?

- Uh, Filipino, - Okay.

She's hiking up her uniform. And that is a terrible wax that she has.

It's all irritated,

And- Geez, what would you call that? Um...

I guess it's a piercing,

I really don't know how to describe it accurately...

but whatever it is, it's flaring the lens.

[Actors Moaning In Background]

??[ Seasonal Pop ]

- Ho, ho, ho. Cookie, sir? - No, thankyou.

- Christmas cookie. Go on, take one. - Get away from me!

[ Tobey ] Well, the most important thing...

is to remain calm.

Honey. Honey. Calm down.

Let's just start again. Take the cable remote.

The one that says cable. That's right.

Hit the power button. What doyou see?

Okay. Well, you probably just changed the channel on the TV.

So get the TV remote. Not cable, but TV.

That's right. Hit three.

Nope. That's impossible.

Is the TV plugged in?

I Wouldlike to have electronic fireedom, Um-

- [ Man Scribbling] - You must have a VCR and a cable box.

Does... your wife...

have this much trouble?

Let's not go there again, shall We, Tobey?

Why is it so important fioryou to knoW about mypersonal lifie? Hmm?

Let's keep this about you.

Um... you haven't mentioned death today.

There- There is a phrase,,,

that you've uttered in, um, yes, in every session, mm-hmm, so far.

揑 mean, we're all going to die.

Doesn't that freakyou out?'

And you never answer me.

Actually, it does seem to me...

that this whole kind of television-Tivo tangent thing...

is reallyan elaborate avoidance,,,

forwhat's really going on.

Oh.

And... what's really going on?

[Shufifling Papers ]

You tell me.

- [ Elaine Moaning ] - [ Tobey] Come on, baby! Come on, baby!

[ Elaine ] Oh! Oh, my God!

[ Tobey Grunts ]

Wow.

Wow.

That was-

[ Exhales ] That was good.

Hoo!

I mean, the candles and the whole...

Iighting design in general.

- Mmm. Thankyou. - That was some setup.

- Yeah. - You-

You were like, um, that guy from the Yankees.

[ Laughing ]

That one. That, um- that pitcher that they bring in at the end.

- Mariano Rivera, the closer? - Yeah.

Huh. Huh. Heh.

He always looks so confident...

Iike he's gonna do whatever it takes.

You know, he almost never loses a game.

I bet he's got a really big family.

- No. - Oh, I love...

those big Spanish families, you know?

You know, they've got lots and lots ofkids.

Well, they're Catholic. They're not allowed to use birth control.

That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about...

valuing cultural reproduction.

[ Grunts ]

Well, maybe ifthey valued cultural reproduction a little less...

wewouldn't be in the middle ofa population explosion...

that's running the risk ofusing up all our natural resources.

I knowyou don't think that.

I do?

Doyou believe in fate?

I'm not talking about the fact that we're all fated to death...

but the fact that there are some things that are meant to happen...

and some things that are not meant to happen.

I have... no idea.

You don't, doyou?

[ Stamping ]

[DoorSlams ]

[Phone Rings ]

[Typing]

[Ringing]

Ponson, Ponson, Ponson, Hirsch,Jacoby & Ponson.

What's another kind offlower you can get a woman other than a rose?

- What about an orchid? - You kidding?

- That's even more expensive. - Well, it must be an important occasion.

Just trying not to get kicked out ofimyhouse,

You could go down to Central Park and pull up something for free.

That's not a bad idea. But I'd have to wrap it myself.

Elaine is not going to kickyou out ofthe house.

- She mentioned fate. - Uh-oh.

I'd spring for the orchid.

What kind of porn you looking at?

Good old-fashioned man-woman, woman-horse stuff.

- You're such a purist. - I am.

I thoughtyou were supposed to become less hornywhen you turned 40.

- What? - You can't give a woman berries, can you?

- Oh, I've taken a wrong turn somewhere. - Ooh, I've gotta go.

I think I found the flowers I want. Hi-oh!

- Hello? - What kinda sale we talkin' about?

- [Beeps ] - [Horse Neighs ]

How did I get in here?

I'm gonna throw it toyou next.

- Good throw. - [ Child ] Me! Me! Mr. Ponson!

Mr, Ponson, throW it to me! ThroW it to me!

[ Tom ] Hold on,

I'm gonna throW one to Liam,

- That Was like fiishing, - Hey.

The rebel without a cause.

- Hey. - [ Child] Sorry, Mr, Ponson,

- Nice catch. - Hi.

Uh, listen. The kids and I, we're going up to Serendipity...

to celebrate the anniversary oftheir father leaving us.

- Hi, Mommy. - Hi, honey.

Doyou guys wanna come along?

- Wait. Soyou wrote that? - Uh-huh.

- I love that commercial. - Well-

揋ot milk?' God, it just cuts through all the bullshit.

It's- It's inspired.

Well, I wouldn't say it's inspired. It's just simple.

Sowhat did you do, like take time off towrite a bookor something?

Uh, no. Not exactly.

- I've thought about that, but- - Oh, you should. You'd be great.

Really. I have a sense about these things.

Here.

Yep.

Author. Definitely.

You see that there? [ Laughs ]

Yeah, I do.

[Tobey] "Surrounded byfiriends, she Was happyand snug,

"She smiled to herselfiand said,,,

慚aybe lifie in the big city isn't that bad afiter all, '

The end, "

WoW,

I t would be crazy not to publish this immediately.

It's very timely.

It's about a little girl battling a dragon.

Right, but with women's lib and all-

- [ Laughs ] - You see my point.

Oh, my God! I hope they like it!

They're gonna love it.

- There's one thing. - Oh, Tobey, come on. The book is finished.

Please, I ca- I can't make any more changes in it.

Hey, it's not about the content ofthe book, okay?

It's about the presentation.

- Okay. - Okay?

- Okay. - This picture?

Just seems so goody-good.

- Well, it is a children's book. - Right. I know that.

But the people who publish it aren't children.

This is, you know,just-

it's just slightly annoying, you know?

Show some cleavage.

You actually think I should show... cleavage?

Mmm. Yes, I d-

That's what I'm talkin' about.

- Areyou crazy? - What? Kids, they love the beach.

And this shows them thatyou're fun.

Don't underestimate that.

[ Mutters ] Wait a second.

You don't- You don't think it's a little...

too much?

I wanna pay attention to that girl.

Standing at 3 fioot 7,,

weighing in at 47 pounds of strapping lefty...

digs in.

- Got a hold ofthat! - That's a home run!

- Yep. Touch 'em all. - [Rebecca ] Hello!

- What's goin' on? - [ Clears Throat ]

Just a little thing that we like to call spoonball!

Oh. Okay. Well, Mommy's home.

Spoonball is over before someone gets hurt.

AW, come on, Mom,

Yeah, come on, Mom, It's the bottom ofithe ninth!

We should be having boy time,,,

because my dad made me have girl time.

- What do you mean, honey? - Dad made me have a play date,,,

- with Shannon from my class. - Really?

Nobody made you do anything, David.

- Theyinvited us to Serendipity, - Oh, really? They?

- Come on, Dad, Pitch it! - Yep, Okay,

Ow! Oh!

- [ Tom ] Ah-ah, - Oh, my- Tom!

- Goddamn it! - I- I- Let me see.

[ Tobey] Dude, you onlyget one,

[ Tom ] This is a complicated one, I gotta get the Wording right,

Got it. [ Blows ]

- Yea. - Yea. I gotta hit the head.

- So? - Please don't ask her anything inappropriate in front of me.

I can ask herwhatever I want.

Forsuch a closed-ofifiperson, it's likeyou have no boundaries,

It's better than living surrounded by the Great Wall of China.

[ Laughs ] What does that mean?

- You- You know what that means? - Mm-hmm.

- It means you're closed off. - Like a Chinese person?

No, Tom, It meansyou like to talk, but about nothing important,,,

so then wheneveryour emotion or resentment or whatever dark stuffyou have builds up...

- you throw a spoon at me. - I didn't throw the spoon.

- David threw the spoon. - Shut up. We only have a minute to talk before he gets back.

So, um, anything come up?

Did he say anything at all?

- No. He's been really busy. - Busy? Tobey, busy?

- [ Kicks ] Stay out of it. - Ow!

It's fiine! It'sjust ourlifiestyle these days,

I mean, it's not just our lifestyle.

It's our whole society's lifestyle, you know?

I mean, there are a lot of people who are...

tethered by an old-fashioned sense oflove...

- and, uh, fiamily,,, - [ Mouthing Words ]

andsometimes I look at them and I Wonder,,,

ifliving such a simple life...

can actually be completely gratifying...

and ifitheyunderstand hoW rich and fiertile,,,

Iiving in the gray area is.

I mean, because it's all really about being happy.

- Right? - Honey-

No. Do I wish that there was a little bit more romance? Yes.

Of course I do. But it's an ebb, a flow.

It's shifting, and I'm on that journey.

- What'd I miss? - That's all there is to it.

[ Exhales ]

Honey.

Looks like I finally digested that corn.

[Tom Laughing]

What?

- How much further? -Just one more block.

Whoo!

Come on. We're close.

[ Wind HoWling]

Why'dyou park so fiaraWay?

This is the only legal spot after 1 1 :00.

What the ?

What?

My car is gone!

It was right here!

Well-

They probably towed it.

Can we just get a cab? I'm fireezing,

But this is a legal spot!

They didn't tow this guy's car! Oh, I swear to God-

Tobey, would you shut up?

Please!

All right, It's- It's- It's okay, Elaine,

[ Stammering ] They just tow it to the pound.

We can get it out.

[ Laughs ]

I want to get married and have a baby!

And you don't.

Okay. Let's just get a cab.

Oh, sh- I have wasted...

seven years of my life with you!

Oh, shit.

I need... you...

to find somewhere else to stay tonight.

Hey!

[ Tires Screech ]

[ Phone Rings ]

- [ Ringing ] - Hello?

Honey- Honey, what is it?

What happened?

Aw, sweetie.

He did?

[ Cell Phone Tune Plays ]

Oh, that ing car!

Hey, what's going on? Rebecca's on the other line with her right now.

[ Woman ] Hi, Tom.

- Pamela? - I hope I'm not getting you at a bad time.

Um, no, no. I was just, uh, relieving myself.

- What? - I mean, uh-

- [ Thud ] - Hello?

I mean I- I'm just- I'm- I'm relieved that it's you.

Good.

??[BluesyPop]

Come in.

- Hey. - Hi.

- You all right? - Oh, yeah.

- You look a little tense. - Oh. You think?

Whoa.

Yeah. I guess I am a little tense.

Yeah. Let me just-

You're strong.

Haveyou ever had a, uh-

ever had a problem, you know-

I guess you haven't been listening to me for the last 1 5 years.

No, like-like- like anotherWoman problem,

Issue.

What, do you have one?

- Tom? - Please don't say anything.

- I'm not sure What's going on- - Hey!

- Hi! - Hey!

[ Faith ] Hey. Hi. Oh!

You're the last person I expect to see.

Yeah, well. Here I am.

- [ Husband Talking On Phone ] - Eating soup.

Yeah.

- Yeah. You rememberTom? - Hi.

[ Stammers ] Areyou okay? You look tired.

Uh, well, actually, um...

Elaine and I split up...

about, uh- about three weeks ago.

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, it was a long relationship-

- You know what? I'm gonna go. - Okay.

- Bye. - Oh, wait. I thought we were gonna go see a movie together.

- I gotta check something out. - Hey.

- Watch whereyou're going, asshole. - Sorry.

- Shit! - Honey! Honey, lookwho's here.

Did you see this prick that just knocked into me?

-I shouldhave smackedhim upside the head, - No. No, don't do that.

- Honey, rememberTobey? - Hey.

- What's up, bro? - Hey. Oh!

- All right. - Oh! [ Laughs ]

Paper covers rock. Remember that?

Hey, do you like music?

You know? 'Cause Rand is promoting this great new club...

and it's really- it's really hot.

- Yeah. You know. - Oh!

O-Oh, well, I'd love to.

- I mean, ifthat's an invitation. - Absolutely!

- Yes. I just need an e-mail address. - I... come... clubbing.

Uh... yeah.

It's,,,

A-S...

S-M...

A-N-2...

- 0-4 at AOL.com. - Okay.

[ Laughing ]

Got it.

One through 203 were taken.

Okay. Well, I will e-mail you the details then.

- All right. My man. - Assman. [ Laughing ]

- Bye. - Okay.

- Hi. Areyou- - Norah.

Norah? Wow! Hi. I'm so sorry I'm late.

I was afraid that they weren't gonna letyou sit down.

Oh, it was difficult, but I finally managed to persuade them.

[ Laughing ]

I neverimagined When I submittedmybook,,,

that it would elicit a response from the head ofthe company.

I'm grateful you agreed to see me, actually.

Are you kidding? Do you know whoyou are?

- [ Laughing ] - I think so.

I'm sorry. That was- that was crass.

I just got out of a relationship with a crass man...

nothing to do with gardening. [ Laughing ]

Anyway, I don't know. I say these things.

- I don't know where they come from. - [ Chuckling ]

[ Spits ] Excuse me.

- I'm so sorry. - Areyou okay?

I'm fine. Areyou okay? Jesus.

I'm fine. I'm just wet. You're choking.

[ Man ] No, because I called,

Because I lefit a message fioryou,

Would you- Would you just you forjust a-

I'm sorry, Look, I'm really sorry,

Excuse me, I- I-

Yeah. No, I 'm fine. No, you know, I'm a little tense today.

Susie,you knoW I- I love talking toyou,,,

but I don't think that on my cell phone right noW is-

She's horrible,

She called me this morning, and she's screaming at me,

I'm really in very bad shape, Basically I'm exhausted,

The bank is cal I i ng me all the time, and the contractor called twice.

I don't know what the I'm doing here.

- Really, really dififiicult day, - [ Horn Honks ]

The ladyWho lives upstairs firom me,,,

that horrible bitch I'm always fighting with?

- [ Continues, Indistinct ] - [ Horns Honking ]

[ Honking]

[ Man ] Douche bag!

[ Continues Indistinct ]

I want to start off this meeting by first thanking Sensei Goldberg...

for the use of his dojo.

I would like to also welcome the sensei as our newest member...

ofthe Broadway division ofSex Addicts R' Us.

So that means ifyou are here...

for the previously scheduled seminar on owning your orgasm, you're in the wrong place.

[ Whispers ] Shit.

It's been moved to the basement ofOur Lady of Poland on 34th street.

- Thirty fourth? - Yeah,

Areyou here for the meeting?

What? The meeting?

Yes. The meeting?

Yeah. The meeting. Yeah. I thought- I thought I'd check it out.

Welcome, Yourname?

- [ Exhales ] Tobey. - Hi, Tobey.

Well, my friend Rebecca says...

she thinks that men are never really ready to have a baby...

- and that you have to trap them. - [ Laughs ]

What do you think?

I don't really think about it.

But I certainly thinkyou shouldn't be spending your energy trying to trap a man.

You'rewaytoo talented.

I believe in fate.

I thinkyou're meant to have this time, Elaine.

You're meant to- to explore.

Sounds likeyou need it.

I don't know what I need.

Well, I thinkyou know more than you're willing to admit.

This is me.

Oh. Sweet.

Thankyou so much for lunch and forthewalk.

Itwas delicious, don'tyou think?

Yes.

So doyou think that there's any chance...

you're gonna publish my book?

You know, Elaine, you're a very talented young woman...

and, quite frankly...

I was very taken with the photo you sent with your submission.

- Mm-hmm. - But I want to be honest with you.

I don't like to rush these things.

- I like to go slow. - Okay.

So let's meet and see how it goes.

Okay.

Ah, get a room.

[ Woman ] It Was never enough,

No matter how many times...

different positions-

none of it made me feel whole.

In fact, it just made me feel empty.

[ Crunching ]

How's the sandwich?

Okay, so,,,just a recap,

Uh,John is not happy...

unless he can fiit his penis inside a hard, inanimate object,

Preferably coarse.

Right, Sarah, you had a relapse this Week,,,

again puttingyourselfi in danger With a poWer tool,

And, uh, Gordon,,,

the you are havi ng with your wife's mother...

and your wife's mother's sister is putting your homelife in majorjeopardy.

That leaves,,, Tobey,

- I'll pass. - [ Man ] Great, SandWich guy's gonna pass?

Great. Very trusting.

It's traditional that everyone shares.

Mm-hmm.

Well...

I've been having an affair.

With a woman...

who is not mywife.

And, um, [ Laughs ]

- [ Paper Crinkles ] - I, uh-

I like her to wrap me in deli meats.

I need her towrap me in deli meats...

in order to achieve an orgasm.

Usually ham.

Thinly sliced.

[ Exhales ] I know it's not normal.

No one here knows what that word means, Tobey.

[ Woman ] You're amongst firiends,

Continue.

And hand me the sandwich.

Am I allowed to wear fur?

Do I, like, give offthat vibe?

- Is she attractive? - So funny.

Afterwards, all I wanted to do was tell Tobey.

He would have died of excitement- a possible threesome.

I had a threesome once.

It was with two guys who turned out to be gay.

I was just kind of the window dressing.

It all made sense in retrospect...

but I can't tell you what it did for my self-esteem.

Yeah. It seems really damaged.

- What does that mean? - Nothing.

You know, I don't get what people think of me...

that I have no problems or feelings-

I'm perfect, I'm like a robot?

No, honey. Nobody thinks that.

We all thinkyou're great. We all have problems.

You know, I always thought ofa relationship as two people holding a stick.

Sometimes the stick is short and you're close and you can look into each other's eyes...

and other times it's long and you can barely see the other person...

butyou both always hold ontoyour end ofthe stick.

You don't let it drop.

I'm okay. I'm just stressed.

We should go out.

Justyou and me.

- [ Gasps ] -Jesus, what?

[ Whispers ] I just thought of a great guy foryou.

[ Groans ] Oh... I don't know.

- ??[Disco In Club ] - [ Chattering]

[Man ] No Weapons in the club,

Ifyou got a weapon, you gotta give 'em up at the door. No exceptions.

Would you move?

[ Man ]All right, Make room fiorher,

Hey, Wall Street, make Wayfior the lady,

- Hey. How are you? - Hi. How are you?

- Good to see you. Have a good time. - Thankyou.

- Hey, you're here. - I'm glad I didn't bring my piece.

- [ Chuckles ] Hi, HoW areyou? - Hi.

- Uh- Where's- Wh-Where's, uh- - Rand?

He couldn't make it.

Oh- Oh, I'm sorry he couldn't make it.

- He, uh- - I'm not.

Oh, come on. Let's dance.

Oh, no-no. No-No, I don't- I'm not-That's not really my thing.

Come on!

More of a slow dancer.

All right.

※[ Band Stops ]

[Applauding, Cheers ]

Thankyou.

Hey, baby. Will you hold this for me? Thankyou. Hold my horn.

Uh, that's a little something We call "Serenade fior a French Horn,,,

in F-sharp."

[ Smacks Lips ] This next one...

we call 揓 uniper."

[ Sniffs ] And if any ofyou out there know what a juniper plant is...

I thinkyou'll understand.

Peace.

Oh, my God. He just bowed toyou.

- It wasn't to me. - It wasn't to me.

- He doesn't even know me. - I told him all aboutyou already.

- When? - On the phone.

Oh, my God. I didn't even bow back.

※[ Folksy]

- I'll introduceyou to him afiter, andyou can boW then, - [ Chuckles ]

[ Giggles ]

[ Chattering ]

Hey, you guys, that was great. So flowing, man. I could feel it tonight-

Hey! How's the comedienne? Oh. Mmm.

- Oh, my God. - [ Both Laughing, Exclaiming ]

- Oh! Oh, dizzy. - You taste as good as ever.

- [Rebecca ] You Were great, You Were great tonight, - Oh, thankyou,

You were. You were really good.

Well, I was just working off that energy that you were sending up to me.

Whew! You have a really beautiful voice.

Well, I can't take credit for that, you know?

It's all the big man. Hey!

You know, ever since I became a minister...

myvocal range has just gotten insane.

- You're a minister? - Yes, yes.

But don't worry. Ministers are free to fornicate.

Should we get a drink?

Lots of'em.

- ??[Disco ] - Go! Go!

[ Crowd Chanting ] Tobey! Tobey! Tobey! Tobey!

- [ Laughs ] - [ Chanting Continues ]

Go, baby.

- [ Glass Breaking] - [ Woman ] OW! Watch it!

[ Tobey] Sorry,

- Dante. Lewis, buddy. - ??[ Rock Onjukebox]

- [ Dante Grunts ] - [ Lewis Chuckles ]

- Good to seeyou, - [ Dante ] Look atyou,

What is the deal with you two?

Oh, come on. 揧ou taste as good as ever"?

We had a thing in college.

I didn't tellyou because I didn't Want to discourageyou,

- Mmm. - [ Rebecca ] He's y!

And very... attentive.

- Oh. - [ Both Chuckle ]

He really is a freak, isn't he?

You don't have to marry the guy.

- ??[ Disco ] - [ Both Chuckle ]

- So, what are we gonna do about this? - This?

Mm-hmm. [ Giggles ]

Oh, come on. Don't tell me you haven't thought about it...

every time we've seen each other since college.

- Mm-hmm. - Uh- Oh, I-I-I've thought about it.

Uh-

- Sure, you're-you're-you're- - I'm what?

- Very- - [ Laughs ] Verywhat?

Uh- [ Inhales ]

Talk dirty to me.

Mm-hmm.

??
[Background: Indie Rock]
 

- [ Dante Lapping, Grunting ] - [ Inhales, Exhales ]

[ Gulps ] You taste amazing.

Thankyou.

Um- Um, could you- could you-

could you stop doing whatever that it is thatyou werejust doing...

and... Ieave?

Oh.

- ??[Disco] - I would be wearing...

shorts.

And you would...

[ Exhales ] be in a swimsuit?

- Oh, God.Just relax. - I'm sorry.

- It's just, you know, you have a... husband. - Oh.

Rand.

- What kind of name is that anyway? - Oh, ah-

[ Blows Lips ] Mm-mmm. No.

- Doesn't matter. Okay? None ofit matters, Tobey. - Hmm? What? What's that mean?

I mean, in 50 years, we're gonna be dead...

and nobody's gonna remember us or even know we existed.

- So, come on. - In 50 years, I'm only gonna be 86.

Mmm. Whatever.

My point is that this is all so temporary...

so let's just enjoy it.

- Please? - [ Exhales ]

[ Buzzing ]

Elaine.

- Elaine! - [ Whispering ] Hey- Hey-

Elaine,,, is asleep,

She's gone to bed.

Uh, wait- [ Stammers ]

You were just up there?

Yes. Yes, I was.

Nothing to write home about.

I think I got a song out of it.

※[ Hums ]

[ Wheezing ]

WhyWouldyou do that?

WhyWouldyou do that?

- Oh. - You know I invited Elaine and her new boyfriend.

I know, but he just looks so pathetic. And, you know...

- I forgot. - You did not forget, Tom.

Well, he's just blathering on about how much he misses Elaine.

He can't function without her. He's gotta see her.

You know, I wanted somebody here who doesn't know anything about the theater...

- so I could have somebody to talk to. - Right. Fine.

He's sitting far away from Elaine. Next to Amis.

The guy in theyellow turtleneck?

- Rebecca, he's your brother. Don't do that to him. - Hey.

- My man. - I, uh...

- [ Clears Throat ] brought a bottle ofwine. - Thankyou.

That's-That's whatyou're supposed to do at a dinner party, right?

- [ Tom ] Very grown-up. - Yep. Hey.

- Hi. How areyou? - [Elaine] Hello?

Your doorwas wide open.

[Amis Laughs ]

- [Tom ] Hi, Hi, myname's Tom, - Hi. You look so pretty.

- Thankyou. - So pretty. Hi.

- Goren. - Nice to meet you. Hi, Elaine.

- Hello. - Hi, hi. Nice to see you... again.

- Oh, wow. Wow, that was a lot ofkisses. - [ Muttering ]

- Hello. - [ Laughs ] Hey. Tobey.

- Tobey. Tobey. - Let me takeyour coat.

- Hiya. - Yeah. - Hereyou go.

- Yeah. [ Laughs ] - Takeyour coat too.

- Come on. Take it off. - All right.

- ??
[Background:jazz]
 - [Amis ] No, the theater, No, no, no,,,

the theater is completely different.

I mean, it's all star-driven, you know?

Stars, stars, stars, They can't Walk, They can't talk,

I mean, it'sjust like the fiilm industry Whereyou hail firom, my dear,

Mmm. Actually, Amis, I hail from New Jersey.

No? New Jers- [ Chuckles ] Charming.

Charming as ever. Tom, you are a lucky man.

Spunk doesn't usually come in such a beautiful package.

[ Laughs ]

[Slurping] You knoW, I,,,

I think it's this, uh- these departures...

from the literatures which-which makes it worse...

in this society's, uh- It goes, uh,,,

the-the wrongest.

- What? - What do you mean, Goren?

No. No, yeah-

It-It's- Because it is this, uh, connection...

betWeen the past and the fiutures,

Uh- Well, because it-it Was there befiore any ofithe other arts,

- Except painting. - And dance. [ Slurps ]

- This is great wine. - Mm-hmm. Mmm.

[ Tobey] Isn't it,

[ Sniffs ]

Hmm.

So, Goren, are you... technically a citizen?

[ Utensil Clatters ]

There are more than one, um...

places forwhich, uh, to be citizens with than this one.

- Mmm. - Hmm.

So, what, you're on like a limited visa or something?

- [Silverware Clatters ] - [ Coughs ]

You all right?

- I am. I'm- - Areyou okay?

[ Coughs ]

Wow! This is good soup. [ Wheezes ]

[ Mouthing Words ]

[ Exhales ] Tobey!

- We can't do this. - What? What do-What do-What doyou mean?

It's all right. They're, you know-

Mm-hmm.

We're not together anymore.

Doyou get that?

But it- But it's not right for me, Elaine.

[DoorCloses ]

Ah- It- I mean, it's Tobey and Elaine.

That sounds right to me. Those two names.

It's-They-They-They go together.

That's your plea? That our names go together?

It seems right.

It's not right.

I'm just starting with someone new, and I'm happy.

[ Laughs ] That-

That-That- sprocket out there?

- He's-He's-He's in a unitard, fior Chrissakes! - [ Elaine Laughs ]

Better, That is the Tobey that I knoW,

Oh, oh, oh, "I think 慣he Canterbury Tales ',,,

搑eally provides a basis for all of the modern literatures.

- And watch me dance." - You know, you're right, Tobey.

You've- You hit the nail on the head! He is.

- He's a pretentious sprocket, - [ Tobey] Yes!

[ Elaine ] He's a pretentious sprocket,,,

with a huge cock!

[ Sets Glass On Table ]

- [ Sniffs ] - No- Well, he- he- he does not look...

Iike he has a huge cock,

Well, he does. And you...

you don't knoW What a relationship is,

[ Glass Clanks ]

- [ Clicks ] - Boy, that water pressure in there really sucks.

Mmm. It's been a long time, hasn't it?

Where'd she find this guy, Zorro, anyway?

It's Goren. And let's not talk about him.

I gotta be up early for Mommy & Me.

Okay.

[Rebecca ] "That's not reallyfiairto say, noW is it?

We've known each other for a long time. I thinkwe deserve each other's honesty."

[ Tobey] "I have been in love Withyou since the moment I saWyou, "

揧ou only thinkyou have."

- 揥hat's the difference?' -Jesus, that's a cocksucker of a speech. I get it right?

How come I didn't get the cursing gene?

You know, I've never had this much trouble remembering my lines.

It must be menopause.

Becca, you're 38. And would you please not talk aboutyourvagina? You're my sister.

It's bad enough that my best friend has with you.

Walk back to the theater with me, would ya?

[ Honks, Tires Squeal ]

- [Tires Squealing] - Hey! What the ?

Hey!

Hey-Hey-Hey. Evel Knievel, what the ?

Since when do you smoke?

I know he's seeing someone.

You know, I wasn't really sure, but that look confirmed it.

Hey, that's not fair. You said you already knew he was seeing someone.

- So he is? - No, I-I-I-

I mean, I- I- I know nothing.

I'm not the guywho tells someone something like that.

I-I refuse to be forced into being that guy.

- This is not aboutyou, you little ing twit. - Well, I- Hey, you hit me!

You know, Tom's right aboutyou. You're the, uh, what did he call you?

The play-by-play guy. That's whatyou call him, right, the guywho sits in the booth...

and talks about everything that's goin' on without ever playing.

Never ing participating. Just letting life pass you by.

- Never participating! - Well, ifI'm that guy...

then he's the quarterbackwho wants to screw everything with two legs.

D-To con-continue the-

the-the metaphor, that is.

Fuck!

Thanks for reading with me, Tobey.

I'm sorry. I'm so-

- Oh, hey. - [ Yells ]

- [ Groans ] - [ Laughs ]

[Pamela ] Cosmos,,,

Wouldyou be a sWeetheart and let Mr, Ponson in?

[ Cosmos ] He's alreadyhere, Mom,

So they're really that sensitive, huh?

Women don't seem to believe that, but, yes, they are.

Oh, so now I'm being lumped with all women?

- Pamela, we need to talk about somethin'. - No.

I know whatyou're gonna say.

Andyou're right, But- But I don't Want to,

Look, I can't- I can't do this anymore,

We have to stop this,

[ Sighs ]

- [ Thunderclap ] - [ Car Horn Honks ]

- Hey, you wanna see what Cosmos taught me? - Sure.

Oh!

- Mommy! - [ Rebecca ] Hey, is that my big boy?

- Hi, sweetheart. - Hey, we didn't expect you to be home.

Well, I- I missed my family, so I came home early.

Hmm. Mmm.

- Are you wearing cologne? - No.

David learned some interesting things on his play date today.

Oh, really. Like what?

I learned how to silence someone!

- How doyou do that? - You hit them in the balls.

Oh.

[David] Yep,

That sounds like a good idea,

Okay, everybody, let's get ready for dinner. Come on. Let's go.

Whoops. Okay.

Here you go, buddy.

Watch your hand.

- Here you go. Oh, sorry. - Oops.

- There you go. - Thanks.

Enjoy.

- You okay? - Um...

I'm thinking about dropping out ofthe play.

- What? Why? - [ David Chuckles ]

- Things aren't working out the way I want them to. - Aw, you'll do great.

Rebecca, you always have these moments of doubts before an opening.

- You know? I was- - Not about so many things.

What are you doin', Tom?

I look atyou, I feel like I don't even know whoyou are anymore.

- And maybe that's my fault. - No.

It's notyour fault. I, uh-

I just- I feel lost.

And, uh, I don't know who I am right now.

[Maggie Whimpers ]

You should leave, Tom, till you figure it out.

We can't do it fioryou,

What a good boy.

Eatin' all that spaghetti.

[ Clears Throat ] Sorry, I'm late.

It's all the idiots. [ Exhales ]

- Couldyou explain to me the psychology,,, - Tobey-

behind the people who wait in a long line at the store and don't take their money out...

until their total is rung up, as if it's a surprise?

揙h, you want money for this?

"Well, I hadno idea, Wait, While I unzip myfiannypack,,,

and dig through my man-purse for mywallet."

So, do you think you might be avoiding the issue?

- Wh-What issue is that? - Thatyou've been following me?

[ Laughs ] I think not.

Oh. Oh! That was you.

I thought- I thought it might have been, but there was just, you know...

- so much of a coincidence. - What Wereyou hoping to fiind out, Tobey?

That I'm a Libra? That I had a heart attack?

Oh, you had a heart attack?

I also had a withholding father and an inappropriate mother.

- And When I Was 20, I had a nervous breakdoWn, - [ Blows ]

And, I think it's time to terminate your therapy.

I'm sorry?

Well, this is not working out.

Well, Tobey, not foryou and not for me.

[ Whispering ] Okay.

Okay. [ Groans ]

Have a little trust, Tobey.

The world is not againstyou.

I mean, no wonder his advice was so bad.

He had a nervous breakdown.

A heart attack. Messed up parents.

I mean, could he be any more unhealthy?

He said something to me, though, when I left, that really bugged me.

He said, 揟he world is not againstyou, Tobey. Have a little trust."

Well, that kinda goes against mywhole philosophy.

揟he world is not against me." Huh? I mean, well, then how doyou explain my life?

Jesus Christ! Can you just shut up?

I mean, I- I don't have time forthis bullshit aboutyour shrink.

Haveyou noticed that I've been kicked out ofmy house and my life is falling apart?

Oh, yeah. Okay.

I gotta go.

??
[Background: Indie Rock]
 

Do you think I should get Botox?

- Definitely. - Really?

Uh-huh. Ifyou wanna lose me as your friend.

You're so strict.

[ Pages Flipping]

I saw that bitch at school. She actually said 揾i" to me.

- What did you do? - Oh, I showed her.

I said 揾i" back and smiled. And then I just walked away.

She must be reeling.

[ Sighs ]

- How are the kids doing? - They're okay.

He comes by to see them every day. I just can't bear to look at him.

He's in that overly sweet hangdog stage...

where I could set him on fire, and he'd thank me for it.

It's not a bad idea.

- How's 揋oren the Terrible"? - [ Inhales ]

Terribly boring.

He does wanna have a baby though.

[ Chattering]

Hey, can I have a blintze... this early?

It's all I've been thinking about since last night.

It's a- It's an acceptable crossover food, right?

Why doyou think we're such wiseasses?

Probably a good way to avoid thinking about the fact that we're all gonna die.

When areyou gonna get over that?

Um...

never,

It's a pretty big deal.

You know what I think? I think it's a good way...

to avoid taking responsibility for anything.

It's like, 揌ey, we're onlyjoking, right? We're all gonna die, right?'

You and me, we're missing the biggest moments of our lives...

'cause all we can talk about is sports and blintzes.

It's just it's, uh...

it's pretty depressing not living with your kids.

Or the woman you love.

Or the woman thatyou love.

Just becauseyou happen to be an immensely flawed and selfish human being.

Hey, you're not so greatyourself.

[ Chuckles ]

I think the blintze is fully acceptable as a crossover food...

and I would like one myself.

- You're the man. - No, you the man.

Up top.

[Tom ] I guess the fiirst thing I shouldsay,,,

is that myname is not Tobey,

It's Todd,

[ Group ] Hi, Todd.

[ Laughs ] No, it's not- It's, uh, it's Tom.

- Myname is Tom, - [ Person Sighs ]

It reallyis, okay? And, uh, secondly,,,

I have- I have no relation at all to deli meats.

- [ Murmuring ] - I- I just- I just made it up to try to fit in. Um-

I- I don't know- I don't know what I am...

but, um, I'm pretty sure that I have a problem.

Although, not as- as big a problem as all ofyou seem to have.

-[Person Gasps ] - Um, anybodyelse hot?

[ Clears Throat ] Uh, I, uh-

I also use humor and, uh, complaints about the temperature...

as a Wayofidiverting attention,,,

from the, uh, from the very serious fact, uh...

that I'm ruining my life.

And, uh,,,

I just- I just thought it would do me some good to tell my real story here today.

So, uh...

I, uh, I come from a family of poor peasants.

- [ Chuckling ] - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm just kiddin'. Um-

??[Sofit Pop ]

- ??[ Continues, Indistinct] - [ Ringing ]

- [ Continues Ringing ] - [ Goren Grunts ]

It-It's hims, again.

[Man ] Mabel? George? Come here, please,

NoW Mr, Bertram Will bejoining us fior dinner tonight,

Please make the arrangements,

[ Woman ] Whoo!

- [ Woman #2 ] All right, Debbie. - [ Cheering, Applause ]

[ Man ] Confiound it, Where is that daughter ofimine?

[ I n Southern Accent ] Oh, Daddy, I'm comin'.

??[ Continues ]

[ Clicks ]

- [ Blows ] - [ Clicks ]

??[ Vocalizing]

- Trust us. - Trust us.

- We're all about trust. - Come on. - Turn around.

- [ Woman ] Okay, Hereyou go, - [ Man ] Come on,

??[ Continues ]

[ Gasping, Cheering ]

[ Laughing, Voicing Approval ]

- [ Footsteps Approaching, knocks On Door] - Come in.

Popular lady.

I think these are firom yourhusband, Again,

- Break a leg. - Thankyou,

[ Sobs ]

[ knocks On Door]

Sweetheart, I 'm sorry to interrupt your preshow cry.

All the best ones have 'em.

[ Exhales, Sniffs ]

We're all in this together, my dear.

All damned to the theater.

Condemned to live through our art.

Forwe do not know how to live through our lives.

[ Whispering ] We are islands.

Francis...

my director...

I am a mother and a wife first and foremost...

and you should go yourself.

[ Sniffs, Sighs ]

- [ Chattering] - [Male Announcer] Welcome to tonight's,,,

premiere perfiormance ofiEdmund Middleton's Fifty Means.

- Oh, these are good seats. - [Announcer Continues, Indistinct ]

- [ Elaine ] Okay, - [Announcer] Enjoy the shoW,

- That should be me. - ※
[ Orchestra: Classical]
 

- What'd you say? - Nothing.

[Applauding]

[ Male Actor] You go on back to the house, I'll get the rest,

[ Rebecca Chuckling]

- [Applauding] - ※[ Ends ]

[ Whistling]

[ I n Southern Accent ] I never thought I 'd say this, but I 'm happy to be home.

Nothing much has changed around here, but then again, it never does.

[ Both Urinating ]

[ Sighs ] I'm miserable.

And seein' you miserable isn't helping any.

- What arewe gonna do? - I don't know.

- We gotta do somethin'. - [ Zips Fly]

- [ Flushes Urinal ] - [ Flushes Urinal ]

[ Chattering, Indistinct]

There she is. You go talk to her.

And you go find a pen and a piece ofpaper.

[ Clicks Tongue] Hey. I thought thatwas you.

Tobey.

- Not now, okay? - You don't return my calls.

I need a, uh, pen and a piece of paper. It's an emergency.

Tobey, why doyou have to make this so hard?

Elaine, it's hard for me too.

Oh, my goodness!

Listens, I- I wantyou to stop calling the houses...

and, I-I wantyou to stays away from her for all the times.

Why is everything plural with this guy?

[ Goren ] Oh, insult fiace to myfiaces?

- Tobey. - What?

- This is Rebecca's night, okay? - What? What? I know.

- Oh, gosh. I'm sorry, I dropped the pen there. - [ Woman ] Oh, I'll get it,

Hey.

- Those aren't your flowers, sir. - Y-Y-You don't understand.

I-I need to get these to Rebecca Pollack backstage. So-

I'm sorry, she doesn't accept stolen flowers in intermissions.

Oh, no. C-C- Can you at least just- Can you get her this note?

I'm her husband. Please,just give her that.

- [Tobey] We're talkin'here, "Gorens, " - Come.

- I'm talkin' to her, ifyou don't mind. - I do mind.

- It's not gonna happen. - [Tobey] I said I'd like to talk to her,

- Release her. - I'm not gonna release her.

- [ Goren, TobeyArguing, Indistinct] - [ Usher] Okay. Wait a minute!

Hey! That's not- No running. No running.

- Stop it! - You 搒htop" it!

- [ Usher] Sir, there's no running in the theater, - [ Women Gasping]

Oh, my God.

Sir, stay right there. There's no running in the theater.

- There's no running in the theater. - [ Groans ]

- [ Women Gasping] - [ Usher] We got a runner, We got a runner! Okay,

- [ Chattering ] - Oh! Pardon me.

[ Whispering ] West aisle.

- [ Man ] Come on! - Sorry.

- Hey! Watch it. You're a jerk. - Oh, God!

- [ Man ] Right there, sWeetheart, - [ Woman ] OW!

[ Tom ] Whyareyou sWeating?

I saw Goren. I pushed him into a plant.

I stole some flowers.

- [ Tobey] Oh, that sounds great, Goodjob, - [ Tom ] Yeah,you too,

※
[ Orchestra: Classical]
 

- ※[ Continues ] - Mrs. Pollack, final scene is up.

Thankyou.

※[ Continues ]

[jasper] Who knoWs ifishe'll ever come out ofithat room,

But I Wouldn't blame her ifishe didn't,

Hell, comin'back here afiter so long, fior What?

For us? For this place?

SomehoW, It doesn't make a Whole lotta sense to me,

- The night air. I t feels good. - This is the last line of the play.

- [jasper] You knoW it does, Laura, - So what?

I gotta do something. Excuse me. Sorry.

- I never thought I'd be able to say that again. - [Audience Members Complaining]

- [ Woman ] Stop it! - [ Tom ] Let mejust get through here, Pardon me,

Oh! [ Grunts ]

[ Man ] Give me back my hair! Give me my hair!

Stop him!

Ushers, fiull alert! East aisle, Stage approach,

- Stop! - [ Yells ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Exhales ]

- [ Usher] Hey! - [ Tobey Grunts ]

- [ Usher] Hey! - [ Tobey Grunts ]

[ Usher] Get ofif!, [ Grunts ]

[ Huffs ]

[ Groans, Grunts ]

It's okay.

- This is my husband. - [ Women Gasping]

This loser?

This loser.

[ Audience Expressing Sympathy]

[Applauding]

[ Man ] Bravo,

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Elaine!

Did you like the play?

[ Murmuring ]

- Come on, let's go. - Wait, wait!

You're the one for me!

Is this part ofthe play?

Yes, yes. Yes. It is part ofthe play.

Uh, uh, this is the part...

ofthe play where we come together...

and never leave each other.

And some- somehow I feel like it-

it was written a long time ago, and I just-

I just didn't trust the script, 'cause I don't wanna die.

- What? - Wha-

Why do I always have to be equated with death?

- [ Woman ] I agree, - [ Tobey] What- Wait-

Th-That didn't come out right, I-

I don't want to be a cold, sarcastic, blocked-off man anymore.

I'm not gonna be,

And, it's not gonna be easy,,,

but I wanna struggle...

with you.

- I love you. - [ Audience Exclaiming ]

And,,,

all I can do is say that and let you do with it what you will.

And ifyou- ifyou won't be with me...

I can accept that.

'Cause I-I Wantyou to be happy,

Tobey. Tobey.

I have tried...

very hard to stop.

- But somehow, I still love you. - [ Audience Exclaiming ]

- [ Tobey] Oh, my God, Thank God! - [ Elaine Giggles ]

'Cause all that stuff I was saying about being able to let you go, that was just crap,

I'd have to hunt you down. Who wants to spend all their life doin' that...

- when there's some many other things to do before we d- - [ Cheering ]

[SteWardess ] Sure, I'll be right back,

And hoW areyou doing here?

Oh, God. Do I look fat here?

- Which one are you? - [ Both Laugh ]

- You look great, - Excuse me.

I don't mean to botheryou...

but I recognized you from your book. [ Laughs ]

My son and I have spent so many great days in New York together because ofyou.

Would you sign it for me, please?

Sure.

[ Clicks Tongue ] You must be a great daddy.

Thankyou. We're very proud of him.

Oh.

Oh, yes. We are very proud of him.

Mmm.

Okay.

Here's how it's gonna go.

I'm gonna get up and go into the bathroom on the left.

- Mm-hmm. - Wait one minute...

and then you come in.

One, two, three...

-??[Sofit Pop ] - [ Clicks Seat Belt ] Seventeen, 1 8...

nineteen- DaddyWill be right back,

Twenty-four, 25, 26...

[ Sniffs ] Forty-three-

- ??[ Continues, Indistinct ] - [ Dante ] Elaine has fiound in Tobey,,,

a man she can trust to love her,,,

to be her rock-solid baseline,

- [ T om ] Oh. Here we go. - [ Dante ] In Elaine, Tobey has fiound his lifie's melody,,,

- his grace note, - Come on now. Thank you. Hey.

Do you, T obias, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife...

- to have and to hold, until death doyou part? - Oh...

could you not mention death?

Uh, uh, 揳s long as we both shall live."

- I do. - I do.

- Yea! - Whoo! Say 揵ooyah."

- Booyah! - [ David] Booyah!

[ Squeals, Laughs ]

Put me down!

[ Tom ] Hey, Tobey...

I'm proud ofyou.

[ Chattering, Congratulating ]

Heh-Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Hey, hey! Hey! - Baby, baby, go, go! Get him!

I just got married. Come on, that's legal.

- I was behind the- - That's our car!

[ Tobey] Every time!

Everytime!

Everytime!

[ Dante ] All right allyou plant lovers,,,

you people lovers, you lifie lovers,,,

this one's called "juniper."

And it goes like this,