You Me and Dupree script

CARL: You have very beautiful toes.

Did I ever tell you that? Yes, you have.

I'm not even... I'm not even a foot guy.

They're not even webbed. Are you concentrating on the game,

or are you just lusting after the feet of your soon-to-be wife?

I'm concentrating.

(CHUCKLING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

NEIL: Carl, it's Neil. Are you there?

No, we're not.

NEIL: Carl. It's Neil. There's a problem.

NEIL: There's a wedding-related problem.

All right, go. Get it.

Hey.

NEIL: I hear you whispering about not answering me.

Just remember, when this is all over

it's just you and me.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

NEIL: Carl, if you're humping, stop, 'cause I'm coming in.

Dude, it's Dupree.

How the hell did Dupree end up on the wrong island?

Dupree was born on the wrong island.

MAN: Gentlemen, move this out of the way, please! We're coming through.

Thank you very much. Right this way, please.

Careful with the boxes.

Ten minutes ago those were supposed to be out.

Where's Mr. Thompson?

MOLLY: Dad, this is incredible.

We really didn't need all this.

I know. But I did.

NEIL: Dupree!

There he is.

Did other people land on the wrong island?

DUPREE: Guys, I know I'm in the doghouse, but come on.

These islands, Maui, Cowee, Lenowi, very easy to get mixed up.

Don't worry, you're here. Don't worry.

I got my head turned around. I'm sorry.

Come here, you big lug. All right.

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

THOMPSON: Thank you.

Folks, this is a bittersweet time for me.

A day that Molly's mother, rest her soul, and I used to dream about.

On one hand, I'm inheriting a new son-in-law,

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

But on the other,

Daddy's losing his only little girl.

Now, when Molly told me that she was gonna marry Carl,

I said, "Who?"

And Molly said, "Daddy, he works for you."

I said, "Honey, I've got 1,200 employees nationwide."

But then I started to worry.

Maybe he was some young buck trying to push me aside,

grab the reins of my company.

And then I met Carl, sitting in cubicle 26.

And I said, "You know, I like my chances."

So, ladies and gentlemen, will you raise your glass

to Molly and Carl, to health and happiness. He's funny.

Cheers.

ALL: Hear! Hear!

ALL: One! Two! Three! Carl!

Hey, everybody, listen up.

Now, wait. Just wait.

In honor of your impending nuptials,

I want to perform a feat that I've used to mark every special occasion

in our lives since at least high school.

Ladies and gentlemen, birds and bees,

I present to you the Flaming Tornado!

(ALL CHEERING)

Honey, look who's here! Hi!

This is just a safety precaution.

Okay. Little room here. Need to focus.

Barkeep, your finest Kentucky bourbon, low-grade tequila...

I've got a mai tai.

Don't let him start till I get back. ...lemon slices, a funnel,

and an open flame.

NEIL: Yeah!

(PEOPLE SHOUTING AND CHEERING)

Okay. Funnel.

ALL: Tornado! Tornado!

Open flames. Carl will have the honor.

Will the groom please light the liquid?

Carl, grab this. Carl, you got... Where...

What are you doing? Do the Tornado.

Maybe later. NEIL: No!

No. What are you doing, man?

No, we'll do it later.

Do it now!

MAN: Carl has to be here. Now!

Let Carl come and do it. Dude.

I'm doing the Tornado, bitch!

Do that Tornado!

CROWD: Neil! Neil! Neil!

(NEIL BLABBERING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

GIRL: Oh, my God!

(SHRIEKING)

Yo, Tornado Man.

This one is for you, my brother.

Nice one.

Well, I guess this is where the road ends for you and me.

We had a good run, though, didn't we?

Hey, Dupree, I'm not dying. I'm just getting married.

Yeah, I know. Hey, listen.

I feel bad about, you know, earlier when I was laughing like a hyena

when Mr. Thompson was making all those jokes at your expense.

Well, they weren't really at my expense. No, no, no, they were.

It was a shot across your bow. Yeah? You think?

It wasn't that funny. I mean, it was,

but I shouldn't have been laughing, 'cause I'm your best man,

and I don't want this guy getting in your head, okay?

'Cause he's in my head a little bit.

It just... It's... I don't know. I don't want you to forget

that you're bringing something to the table, too, okay?

You've got that... That Carlness.

That little twinkle in your eye.

And you're giving it to me right now.

That little glint that says they're never gonna beat you.

They can't lay a glove on you.

And don't forget that, because you can't put a price tag on it.

End of sermon.

Well, thanks, buddy, I appreciate it.

But, you know, I really think he was kidding around.

Yeah. Guy's got a kind of a weird sense of humor.

Besides, it's not like I'm gonna be working for him for the rest of my life.

You know, I got plans of my own.

There it is. There's that Carlness.

They can't lay a glove on you, can they?

God, I admire you. I really do.

That's no secret.

(SIGHS)

Thanks, buddy. Thanks.

Oh, I wanted to give you this.

You know, for being my best man.

You got to be shitting me. It's a flask!

You like it? I love this.

Good. Hey, you know, that reminds me of the groomsmen outfits.

I really like them, but I'm wondering,

should mine be a little different since I'm the best man?

What did you have in mind?

Just like a little insignia or a patch.

I don't want people to be confused.

I'm talking something understated,

like a lightning bolt. Nothing big.

Lightning bolt? Something.

Could be cool. Yeah. I like it.

Although, it is going to be listed in the program that you're the best man.

Really? Uh-huh.

That's pretty good. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That should be enough.

Now, is Neil gonna be okay over there?

I'm seeing him, and it looks like the tide's coming up.

Neil's gonna be fine.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Bingo!

MOLLY: Oh, wow! How many thank-you notes do you think we have to write?

Well, I counted 111.

Honey, I'm gonna do half of them.

Oh, come on. Really? No, no, no. Really.

Dear whoever gave us this platter, I love it!

Finally a platter. Just what I always wanted ever since I was a little boy.

(CHUCKLING) And now you've made my platter dreams come true.

That's perfect. And then you write 55 more just like that,

and you're done. Yeah.

MOLLY. ; Hi, this is Carl.

And this is Molly. Molly.

We can't get to the phone right now. You've reached the Petersons.

So, if you leave a message... Wait for the beep.

...we'll get back to you as soon as we can. All right...

Have a beautiful day.

All right, let's do it again. No. That was really cute.

I called you Carl. It was really funny. Molly, it was cheesy.

(LAUGHING) No, it wasn't cheesy.

Give it to me. It's totally cheesy.

Give me the machine. No! It's good cheesy!

Give me the machine. No!

PACO: ID? Hey, married guy, how you doing?

Good morning, Reese.

ID? Top of the morning, Paco.

So, we're back from the honeymoon.

Oh, yeah, we...

We had a great time, sir. It was just...

It was really wonderful.

So I took a look at your proposal while you were gone.

The Oaks at Mesa Vista. You like it?

Did I like it? I loved it!

It's perfect for lot 208.

208? It's huge.

If I may, Mr. Thompson, it...

Mesa Vista is really more of a smaller, 40-unit eco-community.

Not anymore, Carl. You got to think big, you got to think bold.

You're a married man now. You're married to my little girl.

I'm fast-tracking this project. And you, sir,

you're the lead designer on it.

Excuse me, sir? That's right.

You are the lead designer.

Wow, that's... Wow, that's... That's great.

What happened to Harrison?

I had to let him go while you were gone.

I had a little problem with Rancho del Mar.

But, Carl, I believe in you.

You've got it. It's here and it's here.

Release it. Okay. I'll do that, sir.

Release it.

(BELL RINGING)

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

Wow! I can't believe it. He made you lead designer.

Yeah. Apparently, he just loved my proposal.

And it's a little bit bigger than I initially planned,

but you know, hey, maybe that's a good thing.

So, what does this mean?

Well, it means I've got my own office.

Which is really great. Oh, and it's got a view.

A view of trees and some cars. It's just terrific, and...

Living the dream, honey. Living the dream.

MOLLY. ; Wow. Maybe we can celebrate

a little when you get home tonight from guys' night.

Are you trying to seduce me?

(GIGGLING) CARL. ; All right, I'll see you tonight.

CARL: What's up, guys? DUPREE: Carl, you made it!

DUPREE: Intense matches going on. Guys' night, man!

Hey, there he is! Guys' night!

Can you feel the fun for the guys' night?

I can just feel it, you know?

(WATCH BEEPING) Shit balls!

(SIGHS) What's that?

It's my alarm. My hour's up. That's it for me.

What, are you kidding me? Bullshit.

Where are you going?

I've got to go meet my wife

and watch Sisterhood of the Traveling Ya-Ya Pants.

I don't... How late do you get to stay out? I used to have midnight.

Do you get midnight? 'Cause I was late once, and...

I'm a grown man, Neil. I don't have a curfew.

Not yet you don't.

But in all seriousness, you got to tell me something, okay?

(EXHALING)

Do I smell like beer? Yeah.

Good. Because you know what I don't smell like, then?

Cigarettes and weed. That one's free.

Yeah!

(EXCLAIMING)

The dream continues! Still undefeated!

Yes! Nice.

Will you look at this guy? Look at you.

Is this what it looks like to be married?

Come here, man. It's still early on.

To fidelity, commitment, the whole shebang.

Yeah, and I also got a promotion today.

Add it to the list. Forever blessed as the dream continues.

How are you doing, buddy? How am I doing?

Good question.

Turns out I got fired for taking that week off to go to the wedding.

Wait a minute. You got fired?

Apparently, I never had authorization.

My boss claims he never received my e-mail.

Then I had a little bit of a cash flow situation,

so I ended up losing my apartment.

You're not living out of your car?

Carl, I'm not an animal.

Plus, it was a company car. So when I lost the job...

It's okay. I picked up a ten-speed.

Dave's letting me crash at the bar after hours.

Dupree, you can't sleep in a bar. We're not in our 20s anymore.

Sure you can. I got a cot set up in the back.

This is ridiculous.

Look, you're gonna come home and you're going to stay with us.

That's sweet of you to say, but I can't impose, and I won't.

Dupree will land on his feet as always.

Can I have a toast, please? Thank you.

Listen, Dupree, we've got to get rid of the cot.

Some of the regulars are starting to complain.

They don't think it's fair that you get to sleep here and they don't.

Curley said that, didn't he?

Curley? Curley! What?

What? You got a problem with me sleeping on the cot?

We all have a problem with you sleeping on the cot.

We took a vote. The ayes have it.

Dupree? Live with us? Not live.

Just stay for a couple of days

until he gets back on his feet.

Molly, he's been sleeping in a bar.

How does that happen? Who knows? It's Dupree.

I mean, I told you. His mother moved to Florida with that yoga idiot,

and all of his friends are married, including myself.

He's got nowhere to go. He's like an orphan.

Wait a second.

What's all this?

This is that celebration we were supposed to have

about your promotion. Oh, that's right.

I'm sorry, hon.

Look, Molly, let me go outside

and tell Dupree to bring his bags in...

What? Dupree's here?

Carl! Carl.

Carl.

Okay, look, you're right.

I screwed up. I did this all wrong, and I'm sorry.

I should have called first.

You know what? Maybe I should just give him some money for a motel.

Carl. Carl.

He's your best friend. He's here.

He can stay. That's great, Molly.

Look, it's only gonna be for a couple days.

Well, a week at the most. Okay.

After that, he's out of here.

Keep those candles burning. I'll be right back.

Okay.

Hey, Molly.

I want you to know I really, really appreciate this, okay?

Yeah. No. It's really no problem, Dupree. Thanks.

Nice moose. Oh, yeah.

Murphy, say hello to the missus.

Hi, Murphy.

Come on in, buddy. Make yourself at home. Great.

I hope the couch is okay 'cause

we're working on everything upstairs. Oh, yeah. I'm fine anyplace.

And you know where everything is. Thank you.

Great. Thanks.

Thank you. And, hey, listen, just to put your minds at ease,

this is not a permanent situation. Okay?

I'm hitting the job trail, I'm gonna hit it hard tomorrow.

Wheels of change are in motion.

Good. Good. That's a good attitude.

Despite what my ex-boss said, I'm not unhirable.

Those copiers didn't exactly sell themselves.

And frankly, I think we had an inferior product,

and I'd tell people that if they asked.

I wasn't going to lie for that son of...

I don't want to get started on him, but...

Okay, great. Well, make yourself at home,

and Molly and I are...

Well, we're going to go upstairs and take care of some stuff.

Well, hey, hey, hey, hey. Listen, we're all adults here.

You're newlyweds. Making love's a big part of that.

You're supposed to explore each other. I get it.

Come on.

If this situation's gonna work,

we've got to be honest with each other.

Now, go on. Enjoy yourselves. I'm not gonna listen.

Hump away. Go on, get out of here. Good night.

Okay.

Good night.

(ALARM RINGING)

MOLLY: I'm kind of dreading the talk with his parents.

He hasn't really been treating anybody very nicely at...

(DUPREE SNORING)

That's not good. No. Not for us

or our couch.

Computer skills. Not really.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(HUMMING)

The Oaks at Mesa Vista.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Stunning. Just stunning.

You know, sir, if we're not gonna have any trees,

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Maybe we should consider changing the name.

No. No, no, I love the name.

Names are important, Carl.

Are you gonna answer that phone?

Give me a second.

What do you want? DUPREE. ; Carl, hey.

Real quick, where do you keep the plungers?

A plunger? What do you need a plunger for?

No reason. Just want to stay on top of stuff.

What do you mean "no reason"? What happened?

No reason. I just want to know where things are in case there's an emergency,

which there probably never will be.

I don't have time for this. I'm...

I don't have time for this. I'm at work. I got to go.

(WATER GURGLING) You better make some time for it

'cause we got a little bit of a situation.

I didn't want to have to say anything, but...

Carl?

Just stopped.

Where were we?

We were talking about names, Carl. How important they are.

Would you ever consider letting Molly keep her last name?

I mean, I know it's a strange request coming from a father-in-law,

but a man's name is his legacy,

and if Molly takes yours,

then the Thompson name dies with me.

Well, there's lots of Thompsons around, aren't there?

Not in a direct line, Carl. No, no, not in a direct line.

Well, what about our kids?

Children should have the last name of the father, don't you think?

You're having kids?

Well, not right now, but eventually.

You know, in certain Asian cultures, Carl,

the husband takes the wife's name.

Wait a minute. You just said a man's legacy is his name.

All right. What about a hyphen?

A hyphen? Yeah.

I could ask Molly, but I don't think she...

Wait a minute. You mean me.

You mean I'm supposed to hyphenate.

Well, then you can still use your own name, only you'll be hyphenating it. It's win-win.

With all due respect, not for me it isn't, sir.

All right, forget it. You're obviously upset about it.

You know what, I'm sorry I even brought it up.

Let's keep focused on your project.

Come on! Come on! Toshi, what are you doing? You gave him a meatball!

BOY: Watch the car!

DUPREE: Throw it, throw it. We got him.

(HORN HONKING) Throw it, throw it!

Did he touch the plate? He... Oh, here we go.

The game just turned. Yes!

Carl Peterson, third team honorable mention.

All-district, 1984. We get Carl.

BOY: No, we get him. Hey, what's going on?

There he is. Hey, sweet heat.

Time to dust off the old jockstrap.

This kid Dougie's been killing us all afternoon.

We need your arm out there. Let's go.

Dupree, I'd love to, but I can't. I kind of had a rough day.

And I better go in and see Molly.

I like it. Family first. Priorities.

Okay, he can't play. We're gonna have to do it ourselves.

Now listen, I want you to brush him back here, okay? What's a brushback?

It's where you throw it really close to him. Scare him a little bit,

but don't hit him 'cause he's bigger than you.

But, Mr. Dupree, I don't even play baseball.

I'm in the orchestra, remember?

First of all, call me Dupree 'cause I'm your team-mate.

Second of all, so what if you're in the orchestra.

So was Catfish Hunter.

Let's go. Let's go. Here we go! Here we go! Hey, batter, batter...

Hi! How was work?

It was fine.

Good fine? Bad fine? Fine, fine.

You wouldn't believe the response I'm getting for my Career Day program.

And I saved a spot for you on the 15th if you're interested.

Yeah, of course.

I'll bring in some blueprints and maybe even some models.

It'll be fun. TOSHl: No. Get away.

DOUGIE: You hit me! You hit me on purpose! The kids'll really love it.

MAN: No more fighting. Thank you, that's it!

Hey! Hey! Come on now! Break it up. That's it!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

DUPREE. ; Hola, you've reached Dupree.

If this is in regards to employment,

please be aware that my Class Four driver's license has expired,

and I am no longer willing to work with asbestos. I won't do it.

Can you believe that? A little chin music

and the whole neighborhood goes crazy.

It was like... Oh, and for Carl and Molly, press two.

Oh, I meant to tell you about that.

I changed the answering machine in case somebody calls about a job.

I'm staying on top of this job thing.

You guys are okay with that, right?

We got to put the job first.

Well, Carl, are we okay with that?

Molly. Molly, come on.

Nice.

MAN ON TV. ; HBO. Simply the best.

When did we get HBO? Yeah, you saw that.

I upgraded us, and I'm going to go halfsies on it

'cause I love it also.

You get it upstairs, too.

I think you get the Oxygen channel, too.

What? What are you doing? What?

What do you want? Cinemax?

What do you hear? What do you say?

MOLLY: So, let me get this straight. I mean, he hijacks our answering machine.

"Carl and Molly, press two." Okay?

And then he decides, "Hey, I'm sleeping on the couch,

"and I'm gonna order HBO."

I mean, I don't know, Carl. Am I wrong here?

Carl!

Molly, what do you want me to do, whack the guy?

Look, I told Dupree not to change anything without asking,

and I gave him a pair of pajamas.

Dupree's gonna get the hang of this.

He's never truly been domesticated. He's like the ape-man of Borneo.

Oh, so we're the lucky ones who get to housebreak him?

No, you know what I mean, honey.

I'm over it.

I finished my thank-you notes today.

Do you need help with your half? No, no, no, I...

Candlesticks, bread maker, Crock-Pot. I got them covered.

It's my final offer.

No, I got them covered.

(MOLLY EXCLAIMING) Sorry to interrupt. Oh!

Damn it, Dupree! What is this? This is an emergency.

I'm sorry. The downstairs crapper, it's on the fritz again.

What do you mean, "It's on the fritz"?

I don't know. It's on the fritz.

Please tell me he's joking.

We might need some matches.

Does that answer your question?

MOLLY: Oh, God!

Dupree! Oh, my God. I don't...

Carl! Carl!

Dupree! Dupree?

Yo!

Dupree, what you did in our bathroom last night was disgusting.

Molly nearly passed out.

I know, I know.

Believe me. I'm never eating Buffalo wings again.

I don't care how much I love them. I'm off them.

It's weird. I used to have a stomach like a billy goat, but not anymore.

Now, I made a little breakfast for... Molly, great.

Come here. Morning.

DUPREE: Good morning.

Right here. Let me get this chair for you here.

Have a seat. Breakfast is served. Yes.

I believe Carl told me you're a fan of

the banana pancake and the soy macchiato.

One second.

DUPREE: I want this to be perfect.

Did you tell him all this?

Here you go.

Soy macchiato.

Dupree, you really didn't have to do all this. Yes, I did have to do this.

Look, I know I got off on the wrong foot,

and I just want you both to know that I really appreciate this.

And I'm grateful.

I don't know what to say, but... Don't say anything.

Just accept my apology and enjoy this feast.

I'm off to a very promising job interview

which explains my natty attire. Wish me luck. Goodbye.

CARL: Good luck. Go get them, tiger! I will. Thank you.

Off like a prom dress.

MANAGER: So, why don't you describe yourself, Mr. Dupree.

I'm a people person. Very personable.

I absolutely insist on enjoying life.

Not so task-oriented. I'm not a workhorse.

If you're looking for a Clydesdale, I'm probably not your man.

Like, I don't live to work.

It's more the other way around. I work to live.

Incidentally, what's your policy on Columbus Day?

Yeah, we work. Really?

The guy discovered the New World.

I'm afraid to even ask about Victory over Japan Day.

LAD Y O VER SPEAKER. ; Eddie. You have a call waiting on line...

Hey, we tried. Right?

Thanks a lot. Yeah.

I'm gonna keep my resume. Excuse me.

You've got to lean into it and commit to it.

That's the way. You get hurt if you're afraid.

And if you time it just right, then you both...

There he goes. Come down. You guys got to get a rhythm going.

Come on.

Here, watch me. See, I'm just running down the ramp.

It's actually harder than on a skateboard.

There we go. Speed's your friend. Hold on.

Yeah, come down. Go.

You see how he's timing it? And then he pops it up? Go!

Yes! Go! One more time.

So, what's going on over here?

Carl, check out this badass skate ramp I had Aaron's dad build for us.

Hey, man, I was just telling these guys how we used to tear it up back in the day.

Yep! Pretty good.

Hey, I got an idea.

What do you say we put on a little show for these guys?

Throw down some one-wheelers. Make it rain out here.

Come on. For a second.

BOY 1: Yeah, let's see what you got.

BOY 2: Yeah, show us something.

Okay, give me a board. Yes! Carl!

Step aside, guys.

Honey, I need some help.

CARL: Yep, just like back in the day.

DUPREE: Nice!

CARL: Let's show them how we used to do it.

DUPREE: Step aside. Step aside.

(BOTH EXHALING)

Well, no one ever said we were gonna live forever.

Let's go.

Carl! Carl, what are you doing?

What's it look like he's doing? He's getting ready to rip it up.

Relax, Molly. This is only gonna take a second.

BOY: Come on, Dupree! Say when.

When! Yeah!

(CARL GROANING)

(SHOUTING)

DUPREE: Oh, I'm racked!

Carl!

Oh, I racked my little Duprees.

When was the last time you were even on a skateboard?

1987. Oh.

For a second there we almost had it back.

CARL: Yeah.

CARL: What is this?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Is this some kind of a joke?

Carl, Thompson wanted more units.

Thought it would work better as a wraparound.

Wraparound.

Mesa Vista is not a wraparound.

Hasta manana, Paco. Good night, boss.

Look, Mr. Thompson. Hey. You see the preliminaries?

Yeah, I did, and it's completely different than my original proposal.

God damn it, Carl. Will you stop fighting this?

People buy homes. Let the government pay for the parks.

That's why we have taxes.

The Oaks at Mesa Vista is a money train.

You wanna be on it?

Yeah, I'm on it.

Money train. I'll give you a money train.

(TV PLAYING)

DUPREE: Right there! Right there! You gotta throw it now!

NEIL: Please, please, please!

No, he didn't go over! No! No! Why?

He didn't make it, man. Carl! Welcome home!

Come here, buddy! We got one for you.

DUPREE: Get a beer for him. What are you guys doing?

We're watching the game. Yeah, I can see that.

Hey, guys! Please, shut the hell up for two seconds

'cause it's fourth and inches. Please, just shut up.

You shut up! NEIL: It's fourth and inches!

Why don't you watch it in your house?

I can't have friends over on weeknights and you know that.

Grow a sac. It's not my problem, Neil.

Take it up with Annie.

Time for the lion tamer. Yeah, well, I can't talk to him like this.

What's going on? You all right?

Yeah. I'm fine.

God, I've been watching you lately, man,

and you're really putting in the hours, but you got to find some balance.

Find a little Carl time. You know what I'm saying? Carl time.

MAN ON TV. ; First down, Cougars. Now Washington State...

You're right.

Carl time. Come here.

Molly's got the Back to School thing tonight.

We got the house to ourselves for a while. Let's watch the game.

Let your hair down. Let your hair down. I mean...

You think I've been overdoing it with the work thing?

I know you've been overdoing it.

Yeah. Shake it loose, huh? Just live a little, man. Just live a little.

Yeah. You know, maybe I ought to make my nachos.

Nice! Yes!

Carl time! NEIL: Nachos, Carl nachos are in my belly.

CARL: Hey, Neil, turn up the volume. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

You know who else loves Carl's nachos is Eddie.

Give him a call. I already did.

Carl, soup them up, man! Make them spicy!

Okay, guys. This is it. This is it.

Come on. Just come on. Please. Please, God!

Send everybody! Send everybody!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Damn!

DUPREE: No, no. NEIL: No, no.

No!

No, no! No! No!

No! Yes!

What did I tell you? That's what I'm saying!

Congratulations, idiots. Congratulations, guys. Very good.

Fifty pushups, faggot. Fifty pushups.

I'm not giving you any pushups.

That was the deal. Fine. Okay? Enjoy it.

ALL: One, two... He has a condition.

ALL: Three, four. That's right! I have a condition.

I should not keep doing this. Come on!

NEIL: I have a gamey colon, and it gets spastic and spasms.

CARL: You don't have a condition.

Carl. Carl! Neil, shut up! Carl. I didn't read that.

Mark, what? What is it, Mark?

Molly.

Hi.

Oh, hey, Molly.

(BLENDER WHIRRING)

CARL: You're home early. Really?

I just invited some of the guys over

to watch a little football.

Figured it was just a little time to loosen up. A little Carl time.

(WHOOPING)

Me gusta margarita!

Hola, Dupree.

Hola, Molly.

ALL: Charlie. Brilliant.

CHARLIE: Sorry. We should go.

You guys want to go? Yeah, let's get out of here.

That's a good idea. Let's go to Larry's.

Let's get out of here. Let it go. Let it go.

CHARLIE: What'd I do with my tie? Let's go.

Bye. Sorry, I ashed on your floor.

Great. Take that tie off your head.

I'll bring this back tomorrow. I'll give it to Carl at the office.

So, don't tell Annie I was here. And if you do, don't...

Just don't tell her that I asked you not to... Get out, Neil.

Out! Okay. I'll just go.

I know what you're thinking, Molly.

But we were gonna have this rug shampooed. I promise you.

Oh, and look. Look at that.

It's my grandmother's silver cheese platter.

You used it to serve nachos.

Well, nachos have cheese in them.

Let me just start cleaning up some of... Dupree, please stop.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Somebody arriving late for the party. Don't worry about it.

The party... Game's over!

Go away! The party's over!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Party... Molly, for the love of God! Please!

We heard there were some bad boys in here.

There were, but they left.

(GOT TO BE SOME CHANGES MADE PLAYING)

You know, Carl, I...

I really think I've been pretty cool about this whole situation,

and I hate having this conversation with you.

But this is not exactly how I pictured us getting started.

I know.

Look, Dupree's got to go.

No. It's not about kicking Dupree out.

It's just that you said it was gonna be a couple of days.

Look, Molly. He's my best friend.

Somehow I feel responsible for him.

Then maybe it's time to start prioritizing your responsibilities.

You're right.

What if he had a girlfriend? Good idea.

But how is a guy with no job, no car, living on somebody's couch

gonna find any kind of girlfriend? Our new librarian.

She seems really nice.

You want to fix Dupree up with a really nice librarian?

Listen, I know the guy for 25 years.

I think he's more into the young, foreign, non-librarian type.

Well, it wouldn't hurt to ask. I wouldn't get my hopes up.

I'll do it.

Oh, that's great. Do you want to know anything about her?

No. Well, does she have a car?

Yeah. She does.

Good. See if she can swing by and get me around 8:00. Or quarter to.

Tonight? Please.

Okay. Candy?

Mandy. Mandy. That's even better.

Librarian.

(MOLLY GIGGLING)

No. No.

I thought you were really brave.

I mean, I have a whole new respect for you, Carl.

Well, the rice was okay, but just for the record,

octopus does not taste like chicken.

But you ate it.

(FUNKY COLD MEDINA PLAYING ON STEREO)

What is that?

Funky Cold Medina?

It looks like Dupree brought his date home.

Honey, what is a tie doing on our door?

Molly, I think we ought to drive around the block a couple times.

Wait a minute. No way. Mandy's a Mormon.

She's not the kind of girl... A Mormon?

...who would get busy on the first date.

You fixed Dupree up with a Mormon librarian.

Molly, wait!

(SHRIEKING)

Oh, my God. What?

Let's drive around the block.

Carl!

That butter dish was our wedding gift.

Guys, guys! Hold it! Let me explain. What was he doing with butter?

Dupree, no need to explain. It's not what it looks like.

Dupree, no explanation necessary. I know.

Go back in the house!

Not before I thank Molly for the best night of my life.

Mol, Mol. Thank you.

What happened in there, it was so natural. So beautiful.

Go back inside. Listen, I've got neighbors. I know you do.

But listen to me. I'm in love.

Dupree. Dupree, I'm not going to do this with you tonight!

Jesus! Molly, call the fire department! Oh, my...

Carl! Mandy!

(MANDY SCREAMING) Mandy! Mandy!

MOLLY: Fire in our house! It's fire!

CARL: My couch! DUPREE: Roll!

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

God, I loved this couch.

WOMAN ON PA. ; Rescue 115...

You know, when I saw you on fire, my heart stopped.

I had so much adrenaline pumping through me, I probably could have...

Could have picked up this car and just hurled it 10 blocks.

Are you gonna do this, or am I gonna have to?

I'll take care of it. Tonight, Carl.

Go on, get out of here.

Or I'm not responsible for what these hands are gonna do. Go!

Bye.

You okay? Yeah.

Yeah, just a little smoke inhalation.

Wow. Unbelievable.

Mandy was completely unharmed.

Fire chief said that the butter probably saved her life.

You talk about a miracle. You just got to thank the big man.

It's all you can...

What is wrong with you? Why did you have to use so many candles?

I was just trying to set a mood.

You know how I am, Carl.

Yeah. I do.

Look...

It's about time you got on the road.

You guys need any help? No, we're good. Relax.

DUPREE: Well, I had a lovely stay.

Thank you both for your generosity.

Sorry about last night, and no hard feelings.

I hope. At least, there are none on my part.

Okay. Are you sure you got a place to go? Yeah. I got a place to go.

Going to Mandy's.

The librarian?

Don't you think that's kind of moving a little quickly, Dupree?

Maybe it is, but so what?

Something special is happening there. I'm not gonna fight it.

Hey, take care of this big mook for me.

Bye. See you guys.

Tosh, listen.

You got the heart of a damn lion.

I respect you. You took a beating, but you took it like a man.

God bless all of you.

DUPREE: Goodbye!

Off to Mandy's!

(HORN HONKING)

Oh, my God! Carl.

Okay! Sir, are you sure you're okay?

DUPREE: My helmet saved me.

You see that? He's gonna be fine.

Here's your bag. Thank you.

Bye!

Bye.

Carl.

Carl?

We've been staring at this for over two hours. Let's go get some dinner.

Or margaritas. Celebrate our emancipation.

The insurance adjuster recommended that we sue Dupree.

For a moose head?

(LAUGHING) Just curious.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

It was the margarita that did it, wasn't it?

It was the emancipation that did it.

(SMOOTH OPERATOR PLAYING ON RADIO)

CARL: I like this song.

Smooth ta-ta-ria

She makes a smooth margarita

We had some good margaritas

Oh, my God. What?

Are you kidding me? What the hell is he doing?

MOLLY: I thought he was going to Mandy's.

Honey, I don't think he can see us.

Maybe we should just keep going.

It's pouring rain outside.

Not that bad. Honey, look at him.

What?

Damn it.

Molly. Molly!

Dupree!

Dupree.

Dupree, what are you doing? It's pouring rain outside.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Yeah, well, what about Mandy? Don't ask.

Carl, can you get his bike?

Come on. Let's go. Let's go home.

MOLLY: Carl, honey, bike.

MOLLY: Carl! I'm coming!

I really appreciate this, guys.

Trust me, no more open flames. I've learned my lesson.

All right, well, it's been a long night.

So, I'm gonna go to bed.

Dupree, try not to go to sleep with that head wet. Okay?

Good night, Molly.

Dupree. I don't mean to come down on you,

but you need to start getting your life together.

We're grown-ups now. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I know. I know. You're right.

And if you're going to stay here, things are gonna be different from now on.

No more naked stuff.

Well, it felt natural to be naked. I... I don't care!

Okay. I do not care.

Clean up after yourself, watch the noise,

try to help out around the house, please?

It's not too much to ask.

You're right.

Carl? I can be really helpful when I set my mind to it.

And that's what I'm gonna do.

Oh, and...

Another thing.

Would you mind writing some thank-you notes for me?

Okay.

Yeah. That'd be great.

Try to get some sleep.

Gut-check time, Dupree.

(TRAIN IN VAIN PLAYING)

(GROANING)

"Dear Aunt Kathy.

"Thank you so much for the wine glasses."

(PANTING)

MAN ON TV. ; And this, of course, is the point of the race

(PHONE RINGING) Where speed will play a major factor,

where long months of training certainly pay off.

Hello?

Yeah, Dupree. I'm gonna need you to do me a solid.

Yeah, no problem. What do you got?

I promised Molly I would give this Career Day presentation today at 1:00.

But her father just dropped a big one on me,

so I'm gonna need you to step in and fill in for me.

Can you do that?

I don't know, Carl.

I don't know the first thing about the development business.

I really think Mr. Thompson might find me in over my head.

No, not the development business. School, Dupree.

CARL. ; I'm gonna need you to fill in for me at Molly's school.

No, no, no. Not this time.

What? No, no, I'm talking to Lance Armstrong.

He's trying to break away from the pack. I got him, though.

Will you quit dicking around with your little Huffy bike and listen to me?

Hey, Molly.

Dupree, what are you doing? Carl asked me to fill in.

I guess there was some sort of work conflict.

What? Conflict? What kind of conflict?

I don't know. I don't ask questions.

I just ride to where I'm needed.

But don't worry. I'm sort of a good public speaker.

Oh, no, no. It's a Career Day presentation, Dupree. You don't even have a job.

I understand that. But here's what I'd love you to do.

Please get Mandy here. I want her to see this.

I think this will win her back.

Now where are these little rug rats?

They're in the third door.

Hey, how are you?

First of all, thank you for giving me the opportunity

to come talk to you on Career Day.

Now, I am not Mr. Carl Peterson

and I don't have a career per se.

I guess you could say my career is living and loving.

And I do that to the utmost.

DUPREE: She coming?

Keep going? Okay.

I see all you fresh-faced kidlets,

sitting there in your neat little rows, and you're all just pods.

Pods, waiting for your instructions.

Now some of you are gonna get zapped right away

and be 15-year-old prodigies,

little midget Olympic gymnasts with their pictures on cereal boxes.

Some of you will go on to college, and you'll find your rhythm there,

and then go chase down the titans of industry,

or maybe straighten out our problems at the UN.

But some of you,

and this is the group that no one ever comes into Career Day and addresses,

and it's criminal,

some of you are just gonna float along,

eating spicy foods,

humming black people's music into your 30s.

Well into your 30s, languishing.

This group of pods is gonna do a lot of languishing.

And you're gonna take some heat for it.

Sadly, you will.

Europe's a little easier. They seem to understand a little better.

So does South America.

I went to Argentina one time,

and everyone just seemed to be sitting around. It was beautiful.

But that's okay. You stay loose. Stay liquid.

Laugh a lot. But be ready.

That's what Dupree's doing with his life's little pod.

Staying nimble. Till I get the call from the mother ship.

My raison d'etat.

Then I'd fight.

Then you'll see Dupree coming in here throwing seven different kinds of smoke.

That's fine. The pods that were supposed to hear this did.

It'll kick in when it needs to. I'm done here.

I told you. Now, do you think it went over their head?

No. It was really good. They got it. They got it.

Now, where's Mandy? I'm only gonna do this one more time,

but we got to get her here!

Dupree, Mandy has to... She had a...

She had a book that was lost.

I'm sorry, Dupree.

Dupree, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Dupree, there's something you need to know about Mandy.

Well, it turns out that she's a total slut and is sleeping with half the male faculty.

What? No. I'm sorry.

My Mandy? Yeah.

Sorry, Dupree. I would have never set you up

with her if I would have known.

Ever. TEACHER 1: Okay, kids, back inside.

TEACHER 1: Let's go. Ever.

With that guy?

TEACHER 2: Great job today, kids. Yeah. Good teamwork.

TEACHER 2: You did good, Billy. All right, let's go.

Yeah. All right, let's get ready for the next class.

(GRUNTING)

(MAN HUMMING)

Afraid so.

He's not even on the faculty.

There really aren't any more Audrey Hepburns out there, are there?

Oh, what a sucker.

Dupree? Dupree?

You talk to Sam about the zoning issues?

Yeah. And to be honest with you, sir, they're still in flux.

Carl, I'm going to the bank in days, all right? I cannot have things in flux.

I realize that, sir. I'll get on it right away.

Carl, sit down, please. Please just sit down.

You know, there's something you said to me

a few days ago that I just cannot get out of my mind.

Something about you and Molly having children.

Oh, right. Yeah, no. That was... That was hypothetical.

That's not something that we're talking about doing any time soon.

You know what I did, Carl, when I started dating again?

No idea. I got a vasectomy.

A vasectomy? Yeah.

Okay. That's a little extreme, don't you think?

Not really. It's a mild outpatient procedure.

A little local anesthesia, snip snip,

sit on a bag of frozen peas for a night. Voila.

I mean, that was it, and it's

one hundred percent effective.

Yeah. And 100% permanent.

Carl, read the literature. It is reversible.

Seventy percent of the time. All right. See you get your shit together, all right?

I want it back on my desk, this zoning stuff, by 3:00 today.

All right? Thank you, Carl.

All right?

WOMAN ON TV. ; Fine. How are you? "Fine. How are you?"

Oh, fine.

MAN ON TV. ; Say, you know, you were great back there.

You weren't so bad yourself.

MAN ON TV. ; Guess we'd better get Irving's car and get out of here.

So you really were serious about Audrey Hepburn, huh?

She had it all. Style, grace, ethereal beauty.

Just like I thought Mandy did.

I don't know. I have a hard time imagining Audrey Hepburn

getting buttered up to Funky Cold Medina.

Really? I don't.

The Mouth of Truth. The legend is that if you're given to lying

and you put your hand in there, it will be bitten off.

I'm still trying to understand why Carl didn't show up today.

I know he's under a lot of pressure right now,

but just lately he seems like a different person.

No, he's just working really hard. He gets like that sometimes.

Maybe if he opened up a little bit more.

Look, Carl's never gonna be mistaken for the great communicator.

I mean, just mention the word "feelings" or "emotion,"

and you watch his eyes glaze over. But...

I don't know. He just puts up a wall.

Well, how do you get past it?

I think you just fight through it. Patience.

That's what I did. I ask a lot of questions.

I let him know that I care.

And I just pray he drops his guard, 'cause when he does,

it's so worth it.

(SCREAMS)

Hello.

You beast! It was perfectly awful!

That gets me every time, and I know it's coming.

So, Dupree did a good job?

Did he mention the mother ship?

Actually, in a weird way, he was really inspiring.

I didn't know he was so sensitive. Did you know he writes poetry?

Poetry? Yeah.

Man, what a homo. Wow.

That is really mature, Carl.

Look, honey, I'm sorry I didn't make it today.

What is going on with you lately? Oh, nothing. I'm fine.

You are clearly not fine, Carl.

So why don't you meet me halfway here, please.

All right. You want to know what's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

I think your father hates me. What?

Carl. Carl, my father does not hate you.

He gives you this big promotion,

which you said was a dream come true.

Why would he do that? Because he hates you?

That's exactly what I'm beginning to think.

For the same reason he's been systematically

trying to emasculate me and sterilize me.

Slow down. 'Cause now you're not making any sense.

I'm not making any sense?

Well, here's something that should make perfect sense to you.

Now, everybody knows that your father, when he likes somebody,

he invites them out on a little fishing trip.

Fact. I've never been invited fishing. Not once.

You hate fishing. He doesn't know that.

I'm telling you, Molly, he hates me.

Look, Carl, I know how my father gets sometimes. I do.

He pushes people when he wants results.

And it's frustrating, I know.

But he doesn't hate you.

And I know you want to do a great job on this project,

but it's taking over your life.

And we're supposed to be having fun.

Why don't you come home at a decent hour tomorrow night?

Dupree wants to cook for us.

We'll sit down, we'll have dinner, relax.

Talk about things other than work.

And everything will be okay.

Yeah. You'll see.

Fine.

Fine.

Yeah.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey.

You busy? No.

Just catching up on some back issues.

What's going on?

(SIGHING)

I wanted to ask you something.

Yeah?

Would you be offended if Thompson asked you to get a vasectomy?

What? Why would he want me to get a vasectomy?

Carl, I barely know the man! (SHUSHING) Wait a minute! Wait! Dupree.

Yes, I'd be offended! No. Not you.

That's not what I mean. Just what do you think of vasectomies?

Cutting off my manhood? I think it's barbaric.

No one's getting near that part of my body. No one, Carl.

Unless, of course, it's a woman.

And then she better not have a scalpel.

Of course.

Why would he want me to get a vasectomy?

He doesn't want you to get a vasectomy.

It was a hypothetical question. Okay.

Just forget I asked.

Don't joke with me like that, man.

Go back to your reading.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Watch that heat. Slow stirring, Molly.

How are my game hens doing?

MOLLY: Wow. DUPREE: Gorgeous.

Okay, get started on the salad. Put some walnuts in.

I'll take care of this. Okay. How'd you learn all this?

Most of it I picked up in a six-week series, Treasures of Tuscany.

The garlic technique, however, I got from watching Goodfellas.

I actually make an incredible risotto,

but I want to keep it low carb tonight for Carl.

Poor guy has kind of let the wheels come off a little bit. Okay.

Twenty minutes till the big guy gets here.

Focus. We got to come together now.

Merlot. I want you to get it out. Get it breathing.

We're gonna use the 2005, Napa wine glasses Aunt Kathy gave us.

How did you know Aunt Kathy gave us those wine glasses?

DUPREE: He would have written these notes. Dupree, please!

Please stop making excuses for him. I'm not.

But I think that he would have if he... No, you are.

And you have to stop doing that now because your buddy is wrong. Okay?

If he didn't want to write them, he should have just told me.

And, big surprise, he's late again.

Look, you know, forget him.

You made this beautiful meal. Thank you.

We're gonna sit here and we're gonna enjoy it.

We're gonna drink.

And we're gonna eat. And we're gonna drink some more.

Well, it's frustrating for me, too,

'cause I know he would have loved this meal.

(MOLLY LAUGHING)

MOLLY: Yeah.

I can't do it...

DUPREE: Oh, boy.

MOLLY: No. But I used to be able to touch it to the top of my nose.

No, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. Can you do it?

No.

Hey, guys.

There's a plate for you in the oven.

Okay, look, I'm sorry I'm a little late.

I got hung up at work.

Would it have killed you to make a phone call?

No, Randolph, Randolph, wait!

I'm sorry, Molly, but,

damn it, Carl, you really press my buttons sometimes!

Is he kidding? No. Now you've upset Randolph.

Randolph?

Randolph? You got to be kidding me. I know a Randy Dupree.

I do not know a Randolph. Did it ever occur to you

that maybe he prefers to be called Randolph?

No, Molly, it never occurred to me.

You know, the guy writes some bullshit poetry

and suddenly he's got a brand-new name.

That's funny. Turns out that's not the only thing he writes.

Apparently, he is a whiz at thank-you notes!

He told you about that? It just kind of slipped out.

Oh, I bet it just kind of slipped out.

Guy stabs his best friend in the back. He's getting drunk with his wife.

What can I say, Carl? I'm kind of fun to get drunk with.

Maybe you should try it sometime, because I'm here every night!

Molly, I'd be delighted to try it sometime, but unlike your friend, Dupree,

I've got a job!

And what was with the groomsman shirt?

That was a one-time deal, Molly.

He was trying to look nice for you.

And why are you coming down on Dupree?

He's the one who went through all this effort to cook low carb for you.

You didn't even bother to show up.

Low carb? What the hell does that mean?

You know, he's on the whole health kick with the bicycling and Lance Armstrong.

So he's just trying to help you out. He's trying to help me out?

That's a laugh, Molly.

I'm the one who put a goddamn roof over his head!

One. We put the roof over his head.

And A. I mean, you haven't really been taking care of yourself.

I can't remember the last time you exercised.

And how many Twinkies have you had today?

What are you talking about?

Oh, Carl, please. There's, like,

a million Twinkie wrappers on the floor of your car.

You're not fooling anybody. All right. All right.

So I admit it, I enjoy one occasionally.

Is there something so wrong with that?

And, Molly, look, I am under a great deal of stress.

What do you want from me?

Wait a minute. Is this the kind of thing that turns you on?

Oh, Carl! Is this what turns you on?

Come on, Molly. I was reading an article on Oprah.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry I can't be one of your boy-band flavor of the weeks.

With their enhanced frosted tips

and their washboard bellies and their hairless backs!

What's happening to us, Carl?

I don't know what's happening to you, Molly, but apparently I'm getting fat!

(DOOR SLAMMING)

Nice. Looks like somebody's tired of getting sand kicked in their face.

Good job. Good to see you living strong, buddy.

Please. Would you listen to yourself?

You get your first ten-speed bike, and suddenly you're Lance Armstrong.

Let's leave Lance out of this.

Guy's done more with one testicle than you and I can do with three.

Now, listen. I know you're under a lot of pressure at work

and you and Molly are having some trouble.

Trouble? No.

I wasn't having any trouble until you arrived, Randolph.

What's that supposed to mean? You know what it means.

No, I don't.

You sold me out with those thank-you notes.

And what's with this Roman Holiday obsession?

I know you, Dupree. Your favorite movie's Fletch.

No, sir. No, it's not. Fletch is in my top five. It's not my favorite.

What's with the poetry? I think you're trying to show me up.

Maybe I like poetry. Did that ever occur to you?

Listen, if I got to be the lovable up all my life

to win your best friend prize,

maybe you should keep your award.

I've got news for you, Dupree. You're not that lovable.

I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that, Carl.

Goodbye, Mr. Grumpy.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Sugar.

Top shelf, behind the honey.

Where? Top shelf, behind the honey.

Oh, yeah.

DUPREE: You got to reach for it. MOLLY: Okay.

Yeah, right there. Oh, God.

You gotta reach. Right there. I'm reaching.

Oh, goodness.

(MOLLY WHINING)

Right there.

There's the sugar. Right behind the honey.

Right there. You got it? I got it.

Why do you do this to me? Got it.

So good.

Bye, honey.

(PHONE RINGING)

WOMAN. ; Hello? Hello. Yes. Is Mandy there, please?

Is this Dupree calling again?

Yes, this is Dupree again.

Get it through your head. Mandy does not want to talk to you, okay?

Okay, yeah, just tell her that I called.

Good night. Thank you.

Looks like we're going camping again, Murphy.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, God! Oh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

I didn't know you were down here. No, it's my fault.

What in the hell is going on? Nothing, honey. It's fine.

Nothing. Nothing. Are you naked again?

No, no, no, it's fine. We talked about this!

I know we did. Yes.

Everyone's asleep, and here's lonely old Dupree

just waling away on himself. You weren't waling away on yourself. It...

God! An animal wouldn't debase himself thus.

What is happening to me? Is this one of my tube socks?

Carl, please. Answer the question!

Oh, my God. Mine were dirty.

Carl, stop it! Relax.

Wait a minute. What are you even doing down here, Molly?

Are you serious? It's a simple question.

I couldn't sleep.

I'm getting a broom.

This is rock bottom.

I was doing so good.

Wasn't I doing good, Carl? Huh, buddy?

But, Dupree, where did you find this?

(WHISPERING) Oh. I got it from that box marked

"Carl's camping equipment" in the garage.

You put the box away, didn't you? Yes. Yes.

I'm 99% sure I put it away.

I didn't realize you were such an outdoorsman, Carl.

MOLLY: Asian Assault? Molly, let me explain.

That one was in the wrong section at the video store.

Oh, you're gonna lie to my face.

I thought it was a kung fu movie with Bruce Lee.

Okay. Pacific Rim Job. CARL: No idea.

All right. That one I kind of knew about.

Oh, Beijing Bang Bang?

Carl! Is this what our marriage has come to?

Lies and all these Chinese fetish videos?

I'm just curious.

All right. I admit, Molly, that I was into Asian porn for a little while.

But it was just a phase.

Anyway, why am I the one who's on trial here?

He's in there starching my sock, and you don't even bat an eyelash.

Because I'm not married to him!

I am married to you.

Do something with that.

(DOG BARKING)

Is there anything worse

than having to throw away your porn collection?

What's going on with you and Molly?

What? You heard me.

Are you in love with my wife?

Have you lost your mind? What are you talking about?

Dupree. Dupree, just answer the question.

Whoa, hold on, Jake LaMotta. I'm not gonna...

That's a sick question. How come you can't answer it?

I'm not going to answer because it doesn't deserve an answer.

How could you ask me something like that?

You're very clever, Dupree.

You're living in my house.

You're going to town on yourself in my living room.

And now you're moving in on my wife. What?

You think you got it all figured out,

but I'm on to you, and you're out of here!

Oh, no. Hold on. You're not throwing me out of here.

I'll leave! Good! And while you're at it,

leave the flask and the groomsman's outfit.

But you gave those to me. Those were gifts.

All right! You know, keep those. All those were gifts.

But leave the insignia.

Because that was for my best man.

Hey. It's for the best.

The guy would have been living off us forever.

Dinner is at 7:30, and my father will be here at 7:00, so...

Molly. With all things considered,

do you think that maybe tonight isn't the best night

to have your father over for dinner?

Carl. Carl. Please don't be late.

Please.

So, I hear the albacore are really biting this time of year.

It's not albacore season, Carl.

Oh. Really?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

I'll get that.

It's right over here.

Hello.

(SHUSHING) Hold on. Hey. Hey, Carl. Carl. It's Neil.

Did you actually throw away your porn collection?

Look, Neil, I'm having a dinner party.

I'm coming to get it.

Going to Starbucks! Be back!

(DOG BARKING)

Carl, I read your new presentation.

And how would you feel about Tony taking it from here?

What?

I hope you guys aren't talking business now.

Let's keep it at the office.

No, no, no, not at all. No, we were...

Oh, my God. Is that Mom's crab cakes?

They sure are. Rabbit, come here.

Excuse me. Come here, rabbit.

They look exactly like Mom's. I can't believe it.

Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Give it to Tony. Tony. Yeah.

Yeah. Want to give it to Tony?

Yeah, I have a pretty goddamn big problem with that.

Is that what you're saying? You'd be demoting me?

Tony deserves it! Give it to Tony!

Do you think I care? Go ahead.

What are you doing? Son of a...

Huh? Your father's got it out for me.

Oh, Carl! No, no, no!

CARL: You know he asked me to get a vasectomy?

MOLLY: What? He's crazy!

Carl, first of all, this is my father you're talking about!

He's irrational.

(GROANING)

Who... You want...

(CRASHING)

What was that? Oh, my God.

(GROANING)

You. What the hell? Oh, my God. Dupree!

What did I tell you? Molly, don't.

I'm okay. I just slipped on the drainpipe.

Come on. Let's get in the house.

I didn't want to bother you guys.

Put him out by the curb! Carl.

Why am I getting blamed for everything? What's going on here, Carl?

Daddy, will you please grab Dupree's things?

I was just trying to get my stuff. What?

You know, Molly, I don't know that I really have time for dinner. I might just...

You know, I really don't want to impose. Here.

Maybe I... I know, but I... No. You're staying.

You're gonna eat something. It's fine. You're eating.

Here, have some salad. It's good.

I put a little extra balsamic like you like it.

Thanks. Thanks.

Eat something.

Well, it does look tasty. Thank you.

DUPREE: Sir?

That's a beautiful Schwinn bike you got out there, Dupree.

Thank you. Although it's not exactly state-of-the-art.

It's about 25 years old,

so sometimes I feel like it's tough to keep up with the other riders on the road.

Now, I don't buy that.

Did you read Lance Armstrong's book, It's Not About the Bike?

The bike. Touche. And it's true.

It isn't about the bike. It's about here.

It's about your heart. And that's the truth.

And I've said it to Carl. If you...

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Did you see his seventh win?

The final one? DUPREE: The last one?

I watched every stage. Carl. Get the phone.

THOMPSON: Me, too. I've watched every single one of those races.

DUPREE: Did you ever cry? THOMPSON: Oh, yeah.

I defy you to watch that and not cry.

Daddy? Excuse me. Could you pass the wine, please?

DUPREE: What color was your bike?

Hello. Hey, Carl.

Hey, hey. It's Neil.

Okay, so is it in, like, the garbage, or did you recycle it?

Listen, you sleazebag. Get off my property!

I'm tired of this crap! Get the hell out of here! Go home!

Jackpot.

(NEIL LAUGHING)

It's the wrong number.

You like to fish, Dupree?

I'm not the world's greatest fisherman.

Although I did have one pretty great adventure.

True story. Off the coast of Baja during spring break,

I spent four days reeling in this marlin.

Great, big, old shitkicker, and I finally landed him.

Four days?

Well, I hope you mounted that son of a bitch.

No. I didn't. Catch and release, Bob. Honor the fish.

THOMPSON: That's really noble.

Dupree. How would you like to go fishing with me in my boat?

DUPREE: Really?

Yeah. Just the two of us.

Chick-a-boom. Chick-a-boom.

(LAUGHING)

DUPREE: Why not?

Hey, Bob, is it just me, or are the albacore really jumping?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You're funny.

What type of fool thinks it's albacore season?

Dupree, from now on, you call me "Dad."

Yeah. Go out there. Maybe bring Molly along.

Nice, Dupree. Need some of this?

You sure you're okay with this, Bob?

As long as it's not Carl, you can do anything you want with her.

(GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

Poetry, Aunt Kathy, librarian-banging, backstabbing, bike-riding,

couch-burning masturbator!

You ruined my life! You ruined my life! Carl, get off of him! Stop it!

Get a hold of yourself!

MOLLY: Oh, my God! I will not get a hold of myself!

This is my house! Are you kidding me?

What are you gonna do, hit me with that thing?

You gonna hit me? Carl, stop it!

Come on! I dare you!

(GROANING) Dad!

You dared me.

Don't tell me you want the porn back, because you can't have it!

Why is it all Asian?

Whoa, what's with the bag of frozen peas, man?

There was a little bit of a blowout at the house.

My wallet's still there and my car's boxed in.

It's not a big deal. I need a place to stay.

I've got nowhere to go. You want to stay here?

Yeah. Yeah. That'll be fun.

That'll be really cool. Let me ask Annie.

NEIL: Yo, Annie. ANNIE: What?

Carl wants to stay here. Carl?

Oh, really? I just got off the phone with Molly. He tried to kill Dupree.

He cannot stay here. He needs somewhere...

What are we gonna do? Be afraid in my sleep? No!

Tell him to leave! Now! Now! Okay. Fine. I said fine!

Look, I don't know what you did, but she just talked to Molly.

She's freaked out at you right now, man.

Neil, what are you saying? I can't come into your house right now?

You cannot come in here.

She said so, man. She makes the rules.

You know what? I don't need this, Neil.

I don't need this. I don't need this!

I'm sorry! ANNIE: Neil, get back in here!

She controls what I do!

Guys' night. Thursday. I'll see you there.

WOMAN ON PA. ; Dr. Grayhead to the ER. Dr. Grayhead to the ER.

Frankly, Molly, I'm worried about your safety.

Maybe I should have Paco come stay at the house.

Oh, Dad, please. I don't need this right now.

Molly, I love you more than anything, but you're an idealist.

You don't see the world the way it is.

Dr. Navarro to 751. Dr. Navarro to 751.

The doc says most of my injuries are emotional.

Dad. I'm going to ask you something,

and remember, you've never lied to me before.

Do you ever really want my marriage to work?

That's a really complicated question, Molly.

No. Actually, it's not.

Dupree.

Molly? Molly.

Bob, before I go, I have my own question for you.

And remember, you've never lied to me either, as far as I know.

Who did you really want to get a vasectomy?

Me? Or was it, in fact, Carl?

Take care of your neck, Dupree.

Okay, Bob.

(CUTLERY CLATTERING)

Carl?

He didn't come home last night.

He loves you, Molly.

I know. I know.

Maybe it's just not enough.

It has to be enough. It is enough.

Dupree, you gotta piece this beautiful thing back together again.

By God, it took 36 years, 9 months, and 23 days for the mother ship to speak.

Well, guess what?

Dupree hears you.

Okay, gather around! Come on! Everybody, gather around! Over here!

BOY: What's going on, Dupree?

I'm gonna tell you what's going on. We got an emergency.

That's why I gave you permission to miss school.

Now, listen. Carl's missing.

He ran away from home last night.

It's up to us to find him. And here's the deal.

I don't know what he's capable of.

If he attacks you, go limp. Play dead.

That's what I did, and I think it saved my life.

Toshi, pass out these fliers. Give them to everybody.

Okay, Nancy, go to Neil's house. Okay, I'm on it.

Go. Go! Cesar, get up here.

I want you to hit the grocery store. Got it.

Thompson Land Development. Danger! Be careful here.

Go! Go! Fall out!

And if you see him, call someone. Do the buddy system. Run!

(LOVE REMOVAL MACHINE PLAYING)

I'm just looking for this guy, Carl Peterson, if you see him. Right here.

I've just lost my friend. Carl Peterson.

Here you go. Just stand there. Put your head through this.

Carl!

Here you go. There you go. Looking for a friend. That's all.

CURLEY: And he took his hat. That was real. His American Legion hat.

The colonel. Give us a break.

(LAUGHING)

Back again, huh?

Just came in to make a pit stop.

Well, that's good 'cause your cot's been taken.

What's he talking about?

WOMAN: How's Becca doing? Is she coming in later?

In case you think I'm still in love with Molly,

maybe you should take a look at these.

They're all about Mandy. Love poems.

Sonnets. Little ditties, haikus.

I loved her.

How come you never told me you wrote poems?

I don't know. I guess I figured you'd call me a homo.

Well, I guess I might have.

Listen, if there's one thing I know about, it's loving and losing.

But you can't lose unless you stop waiting. And...

Look, Dupree. Listen, I'm really not in the mood

for one of your soliloquies.

My life's in the shitter right now. Yes, it is.

But what are you gonna do? Quit?

So what if you made some mistakes. Everybody does.

So what if her dad hates you.

You think you're the first guy to be hated by his father-in-law?

So what if he beat your ass with a candlestick.

That's probably happened before.

The point is, is somewhere along the road, you lost your magic.

They knocked you off your game. Your Carlness went right out the window.

What's with this "Carlness"? It's not even a real word.

Yes, it is. Oh, it is?

It's a verb. It's a conjunction,

a preposition, it's a philosophy, a way of life.

It's your name with "ness" attached to it.

Bullshit. There's never been any Carlness.

There's just Carl.

Well, I'm glad we got that straightened out. My mistake.

You know, the truth is,

I never really thought you and Molly were right for each other.

There was something about her I never bought, right from Jump Street.

That whole, "Hey, look at me. I'm a great person.

"I'm always smiling. I'm pretty. I'm smart. I work with inner city kids."

Get the hell out of there. I saw through that sham, and you did, too.

And if you want to know the truth, frankly, I'd blame her.

Now, wait a minute! No, I won't hold it!

Hold on a second! Your life is going to hell in a hand basket!

Molly is the best damn thing that ever happened to me.

Leave her out of this. Sure she is.

Did you see what just happened? When I tricked you?

All of a sudden you had that instinct to fight, that Carlness.

That's what this situation needs. It's crying out for it.

You're trying to get it back, that fight, the will to fight.

You're thinking.

Come on. What do you got?

Dupree, get your helmet.

Shit.

Paco's on duty.

Hey, can you get me 10 minutes in there? I'll get you 15.

Hold on a second. He's a lot faster than he looks.

Hello there. Have a message I need to deliver.

Do you have identification? No.

You kidding me? Just got the old bike here.

Pretty obvious I'm a bike messenger.

What are you, Samoan?

What do you think?

Could be Greek. Could be Italian. Either way, you're a big man.

It's okay, I specialize in big men.

Where is your message?

I keep 'em up here. Saves on the paperwork.

All right. Have a good day. Maybe I'll see you around.

(DUPREE WHISTLING)

Come on.

Hold it.

They said you were quick.

Easy now, big 'un. I got to tell you, you're catching me on a day

where I'm throwing seven different kinds of smoke.

Yeah? Let's see them.

That's what I thought.

That's number one.

Baby wants to play chase? Okay, let's chase.

Okay, here we go. Here we go.

Up or down? Up or down?

Down!

(YELLING)

Gotcha. Missed! Number two.

Mr. Peterson-Thompson?

Where is he?

(DUPREE YELLING)

PACO: Stop! Stop!

DUPREE: Catch up!

(GROANS)

(SCREAMING)

Guy in chair. Number three.

Did you see that? I got him.

Dispatch, lock down the building.

That was my number four.

What's number five? I can't tell you. I don't know myself.

Nice job, weasel. Now it's on!

(GRUNTING)

(WHISPERING) Number five, invisible.

WOMAN: What is he doing?

You can manufacture these for $90 a square foot.

You sell them at $400 a square foot.

You got 25 in this whole arena right here.

I even think you can do the advertisement,

"Fifty million

"square feet."

(GRUNTING)

Come here, weasel!

(GROANS)

Number six.

Open the door. I need a number seven.

Oh, shit.

I need a number seven!

You want Samoa? I'll give you Samoa!

(SCREAMING)

Hello. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me.

You know, for the last 14 hours,

all I've thought about is kicking your ass.

Don't make me look for another candlestick, Carl.

I've taken you down once. I could do it again.

Not today, Bob. Not today.

I'll go get Paco. Yeah. You go get Paco.

You've done everything you can to undermine me.

You've tried to intimidate me. You've tried to humiliate me.

You bastardized my project to the point where it's unrecognizable.

But here's the thing, Bob. I don't care.

I don't care about this job, and I don't care about you.

I care about Molly.

She means everything in the world to me.

And if you're going to stand in the way of me trying to win her back,

you'd better bring a pretty big candlestick.

Carl?

Hey, Carl.

You... Will you all excuse us?

Can everybody go?

You know, Carl, I've been thinking

maybe I was a little rough on you. A little?

But you got to understand, you know, I love Molly, too.

And I've been having a really, really tough time letting go of her.

You asked me to get a vasectomy.

Yeah, that was a little excessive.

I apologize.

I'm not gonna hyphenate my name, Bob.

I know.

(ROOF CREAKING)

(SCREAMS)

(GROANING)

(FIX YOU PLAYING)

Hey. There's Carl and Dupree.

Dupree found Carl.

He's on his own now.

Molly?

CARL: Molly?

Molly.

I'm sorry.

Don't ever walk out on me again.

Ever.

I know. I lost it.

I didn't know what I was doing anymore.

Well, Carl, I don't always know what I'm doing, either.

But we are in this together, when it's good, when it's bad.

Yeah.

I mean, so you launched yourself across our dining room table

at your best friend like a crazy person.

I guess I... But, Carl,

I know who you are. And I love who you are.

And that's why we don't walk out on each other.

I love you, Molly.

And I promise you, I'm not going anywhere.

(ALL CHEERING) Yes! My work is done here.

(THREE IS A MAGIC NUMBER PLAYING)

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Come on! Let's go! Go!

Who wants some ice cream? Go down there and you get it. Go!

Yeah!

(GROANING)

DUPREE ON MICROPHONE. ; Life may knock you down. Scratch that.

I'm okay.

Life will knock you down. Okay?

Lt'll kick you in the gut and knock you to the curb.

But you can't let it rob you of your "ness."

Now what's "ness"? It's your name plus "ness."

You, sir, white-haired gentleman, what's your name?

My name's Joe. No! It's Joeness.

You follow me? Listen to me.

Hang on to that, and as long as you do, you'll always be ready.

Because when that moment comes, and trust me, it will come,

that's when you start throwing

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Seven different kinds of smoke!

(EXCLAIMING)

(ALL CHEERING)

The mother ship hears you!

Paco! Kick it!

(BUST A MOVE PLAYING)

(YELLS)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Lanceness.

Lance-ness.

Lance... ness.