英文剧本：终极细胞战 Osmosis Jones

Osmosis Jones script

Dad, you have the coolest job.

l should hang out with a better class of animals.

Oh, come on.

Have some class. We got mixed company here.

You know, genetically speaking, monkeys are our first cousins.

Uncle Bob's kids? l'd agree with that.

No, l'm serious.

Some scientists say their diets are more evolved.

This is about diets again, huh?

You should eat more fruits and vegetables. Like monkeys do.

Honey, the reason that monkeys eat so many fruits and vegetables...

...is because they're not smart enough to butcher a cow.

Your mother, bless her soul, didn't believe the old ideas...

...about nursing and breast-feeding.

You were fed cheeseburgers as a baby.

And you're as strong as a bull. Smell like a cow.

High cholesterol, but there's medicine.

An angioplasty clears it out. You're great, honey.

l'll start working out tomorrow.

-l'll take better care of myself. -So you'll go on the hike with me?

First things first. Eat your lunch.

We'll talk later.

Give me that egg, pal! Give me the egg!

Dad, stop it! What are you doing?

lt's my egg! Come on!

lt's just an egg!

Okay, now l gotta choke you!

Now who's evolved?

All that salad slow you down, buddy?

That's filthy.

Ten-second rule:

Hits the ground, you can eat it within 10 seconds.

-SaIiva one, what have you got? -An egg 2-20. E-Gamma-Gamma. Over.

-Any mayo? -Affirmative.

SIow boweI traffic....

Enzyme breakdown in ten.

When I was a rookie ceII, you couId eat off this pIace.

Look at it now. Jeez...

...what a disgrace.

See anything, kid?

l do.

Nice genes. Got chromosomes in all the right places.

-Jones. -A toothbrush can handle this.

l wish you'd take this job more seriously.

You see this badge? You see this gun?

See this gooey sackus membranous around my personhood?

-Here we go again. -You dealing with a white blood cell!

I shouId fight disease in the veins! Not here, on tartar controI!

Lucky you ain't in a scab.

We got germs on that egg.

Baby! lt's Ozzy time!

Probably gingivitis, don't get carried away.

You have entered the city of Frank.

Hands up. Surrender for digestion.

SaIiva one, requesting ground support. Over.

Bicuspid four, we're in the vicinity.

This is a private organism. Don't run.

Up spit creek without a paddle.

Don't get me mad. I wiII turn into a germicidaI maniac.

Halt. Saliva Patrol.

Son of a botulism!

They swiped the patroI car!

Get out of here.

You done done it now.

Holy Frank!

He's about to yawn!

We're getting sucked in!

l told city hall we need more sleep!

Hold tight, kid!

Osmosis Jones to dispatch.

We got muItipIe germs coming down the windpipe.

If they hit the bIood stream, we'II be iIIing.

Nose-dripping, chicken-soup-drinking...

...rectaI-thermometer-sticking, iIIing!

-Permission to pursue? -Chief.

-You got plans for the weekend? -Oh, yeah.

Me and my girlfriend are going to the lidneys to see the Stones.

Good, they could pass any day.

AII units south of the stomach, Iookout for iIIegaI organism.

Jones, you want to keep your job?

Wait for backup!

l can get them.

I said stay put.

-Over. -You heard the chief.

Out of our jurisdiction.

lt's lmmunity's problem. We should get to the mouth.

-Hey, Jones! -Chief, you'll thank me later.

Don't think about it. You're in enough troubIe.

Jones!

Slow down! Slow down!

Wait, wait, what the--?

Shouldn't you be up in the mouth?

This is my bust. l saw him first.

You want Osmosis? You got Osmosis.

Bye-bye, cop!

Sorry, baby. But it's time you take your medicine.

Dang. Always pulls to the right.

Dad, what's wrong? Oh, my God.

lt's a cramp!

Officer down.

These stairs are killing me, honey. We may have to move.

But, Dad, there's only four steps.

All right, if you love it here...

...l'll build a ramp.

lt's been three hours since lunch and we're still cleaning up this egg.

Man, would you look at all that gunk.

Seriously.

Does he roll his food on the ground before he eats it?

We need to send a letter to the mayor about washing our hands before we eat.

Like he's going to listen to us.

Hey, cells vote, man.

Cells vote.

Got you, you little....

Artie?

What's going on over there?

Holy spit.

Careful, l'm contagious.

l don't like!

l'll turn up the heat in here.

Connecting, please hold. One moment.

Now connecting.

Mr. Mayor, how will you deal with the fat-cell housing shortage?

l'd like to announce we're beginning construction on a third chin.

We're having jock itch!

Any comments on today's cramp?

What about the hair cells laid off from the scalp?

There'll be plenty of new jobs on the back.

What about the request for better nutrition?

85% of red blood cell children don't know how to carry oxygen.

People, people you worry too much.

The body is in perfect shape.

No more questions. Thank you.

Do they know l work hard?

Nobody cares.

-Mr. Mayor-- -Leah, l've got a body to run.

-l've got Tom Colonic's new ad. -Let's go, put it on.

This is a paid announcement.

The boweIs didn't aIways smeII this way.

Eating right and exercise...

...kept this area a center of activity.

But during PhIemming's term, rot and stagnation...

...paraIyzed this neighborhood...

...the coIon, and the sphincter.

It's time we get things moving again.

I'm Tom CoIonic. As mayor, I'd set Iong-term goaIs...

...that incIude saIads and eating bran.

Mayor PhIemming may think things are fine the way they are.

But if we puII together and put in a IittIe hard work...

...a new Frank couId be right around the corner.

Mr. CoIonic? What's that smeII?

That's the smeII of change, BiIIy.

The smeII of change.

Paid by CoIonic for Mayor.

Can you believe those lies?

He's got a point. You promised to focus on health issues.

l want health...

...but think of the sacrifices, the hard work and lack of chips.

That's not what voters want.

-Why are you behind in the polls? -Don't you worry.

l have a plan to flush Colonic down the toilet.

Honey.

Shane.

Coming!

You okay? Where does it hurt?

Leg.

ls it here?

A leg.

Here?

Leg.

Here.

l just needed some sodium.

That's what made me cramp up.

Heads up!

Chicken going down rough. Going down rough.

Oh, now what?

Sir, turn on the optical feed.

Let me take a Iook, Dad.

Open wide.

Open wide.

Could you swallow first, please?

Definitely red.

Are you ordering out?

l'm making an appointment with the doctor.

Sick? We're not getting sick! We have far too much planned.

You can't override without a vote from city council.

Yes, my dear.

Voice manual control on.

-That's only for emergencies. -Leah, this is an emergency.

On second thought...

On second thought...

-...I'II take a coId piII. -...l'll take a cold pill.

Uh, sir?

Thank you. Get me the chief. There's a good girl.

"Drixenol."

Next.

l caught him with six micrograms of adrenaline.

lt's not mine. l swear, it's my cousin's.

Yeah, l never heard that one before. Take him to lockdown. Next.

Hey, it's " the Germinator!"

You got me there. Save some for the criminals.

-You never catch anything, Jones. -You should've seen this thing.

lt's no ordinary germ.

This thing ain't even from Frank's body.

This is like a Al Roker germ, a Heavy D germ.

Talking about this?

Yeah, he's slouching right now.

ln my office!

-Chiefy-weefy, what's up? -Don't " chiefy-weefy" me.

See the headlines?

The papers call it the most powerful cramp since Shane made us try Tae-Bo!

-Hold on a second. -l told you to wait for backup!

But again, you had to do it your own way.

-Man, l could have-- -Right!

Trillions of cells working together...

...you're the only one doing it alone.

That's your problem, Jones.

What?! Oh, hello, Mr. Mayor. The missus? She's great, yes.

What? l'll put a man right on it.

Yes, sir. Stupid political decisions.

Now where was l?

You said you were giving me...

...a promotion to Head of Brain Security.

You know what? You're right. Maybe it is time l give you a case.

Talking about what?

l'm putting you on a job in the throat.

Thank you, chief. Thank you, chief. You won't regret this.

You a good man. You a upstanding man.

-Whatever. -lt was on the fence for a while.

"Good man, bad man." Now it's official: You are a good man.

You done? Now our pill is getting swallowed as we speak.

So get your nucleus down to the stomach, pronto.

Pill? What pill?

l wouldn't trust you to handle a sore throat alone!

Get out. Or you're on butt-hair patrol for the next three years!

Rinky-dink, stink, pinky pill.

The white zone is for ingestion and digestion onIy. No parking.

Peanut boarding for intestine and Iiver...

... with direct service to the coIon.

Now boarding.

Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna....

All right.

AII fat ceIIs proceed to Iove handIes.

Oh, yes, Mr. Mayor.

No, sir, it hasn't arrived yet.

What the-- Look out now.

Did you look at my notes on your speech?

The in-box.

Yes, it says " in" on it, sir. l'll check back later.

All right, goodbye.

Well, well, what do we have here? Somebody been working out!

Leah, you looking fine. Mighty fine.

Did they have to assign you to this?

Spit. Wasn't my idea, but now l like it.

Baby, when are we hooking up?

l know a spot behind the eye, has a perfect view.

Perfect for a little rendezvous between me and you.

Do you know what l'm saying? l been saying it a long time.

Why would l ever go out with you?

What? l'm a legend! The chicks line up to divide with me.

Oh, really?

You look like a cell who divides with himself.

Who cut off the heat? Somebody pay the bill! lt's cold.

Now arriving with some miIk, a coId piII with a pIeasant fruity flavor.

Wow, this is huge.

Don't be all impressed. lt's 99% sugar.

Yeah? And 99% of you is just stupid.

Like l haven't heard that one before.

What is that cherry stank?

Special agent Drixobenzometaphedramine.

"The brand that eases your coughs and sneezes."

Don't exceed dosage. lf symptoms persist, see a physician.

May cause drowsiness. Do not operate machinery.

Pregnant women shouldn't handle pills.

l feel better already.

-You can call me " Drix." -Welcome to Frank.

l'll examine your irritated areas.

Never on the first date, Drips.

-Drix. -l said that.

-You said " Drips" with a " p." -Whatever.

This ain't working. l'll ask the chief to assign someone else.

Wait.

Hold up. l need this job, Leah.

Just give me a shot.

All right. But no screw-ups, you dig?

l promise everything will be fine. Not as fine as you, but fine.

Man, what you been eating?

That's my effervescent propulsion.

We're driving with the windows open.

l don't want bubbles stinking up my ride.

You got that?

Look what you're doing to my baby.

Don't touch my radio!

Where you from?

The University of Chicago, graduated Phi Beta Capsule.

Great, got me a college boy.

FDA-certified for colds and flu...

...and a master's in Symptom ReIief. Where'd you study?

l grew up on the wrong side of the digestive tract. No fancy schools.

My high school was crack central.

No, it was in the crack! Right in the stanky puckered center!

We lived on peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches.

Ever blow-dry your hair with a fart?

-Okay, you were poor. -You bet!

Ever make a snowman from paper cling-ons? That's poor!

You'll make me vomit.

We couldn't afford vomit, that's for rich folks.

-I have to wipe my eyes. -Wanna taIk about wiping?

You're all new so follow my lead, all right?

Wait up! Didn't they teach you manners in that lvy League petri dish?

Murphy, it's flaring up again! Give me a status on the pain relief.

Foreign substance in upper....

lnflammation and glandular swelling. We meet again.

Dougy-Doug, the firebug!

My boy is hot!

Osmosis Jones. Like l don't have enough problems?

Start redirecting traffic over there.

l'm in charge of this sore throat, baby.

-You're kidding me. -No. Straight up. What we got?

lt's a routine sore throat.

Looks like a saliva boat went haywire and crashed.

Saliva boat? That's pretty unusual.

lnock down that hot spot, ladder team!

Step away.

The tamperproof seal is there for your protection.

Not my suedes!

What the dilly?

Por favor, don't shoot!

La Muerte man esta aqu

He'll kill us, hombre!

Talk English, man. We ain't on Telemundo here.

La Muerte Roja! He's coming, man. l saw him.

l saw him. l saw him! La Muerte Roja--

When your body's fuII of aches A DrixenoI is aII it takes

Excuse me! What are you doing?

l'm soothing the irritation.

You just soothed my witness into a germ-cicle.

Don't worry, he'll be normal in a few days.

That's too late.

He has information on what went down.

Nothing " went down." lt's a common sore throat.

This is a crime scene.

Want to be useful? Plug some Turtle Wax into that thing...

...and wash my car!

Now that's inflammation relief.

Later, Doug.

Be cool, Oz.

How's it feel working with the two dumbest animals in the zoo?

-Not bad. -lt's okay.

l'm talking to the camels.

They're talking to the camels.

Excellent.

l'm so psyched for this long weekend.

Getting out of town?

l'm not getting out of my bathrobe.

l'll get a keg and plop myself down on the sofa in front of the TV.

Some quality time with the wife and kids.

What's that smell?

That's Bruno. His tummy's still upset.

No, l'm talking about that nasty, skanky, sweaty smell.

Shane won't buy me deodorant anymore.

She says it causes cancer.

Did the foot fungus pay up yet?

No, that guy's getting flaky on us.

You ain't going to collect nothing from him up here in the pit.

Now get down there, send him a message.

So, this is where the scum of Frank comes to fester.

Hey, you lost, pal? This is a private sweat gland. Now beat it!

l'm looking for volunteers. Some germs who want in on a big score.

Yo, Red, we run the rackets here. Take your hustle someplace else.

This ain't about no hustle.

This is about the baddest illness you've ever seen.

Look who thinks he's the Ebola virus, huh?

Ebola?

Let me tell you something about Ebola, baby.

Ebola is a case of dandruff compared to me!

All right, pal. You're out of here.

Bruiser, take him to the face and bury him in a blackhead.

lt'll take a Swedish facialist and six steaming washcloths...

...to get you out!

Sounds like a gas, baby. Bring it on.

Bruiser! What are you? A sissy Mary?

What are you doing?

Che fa? What's he doing?

You ain't so tough, huh? That was nothing.

So, uh...

...what kind of sickness do you have in mind...

-...boss? -Deadly.

Hey, Dad. Hey, Uncle Bob.

Hello, beautiful.

l stopped by the camping store...

...and l got some stuff for the hike.

Right. On this hike, is that teacher of yours going to be there?

Yeah, my whole class is. Why?

l was thinking l might take a rain check.

Mrs. Boyd isn't still mad at you.

l didn't think so. We could do something better.

Yesterday, without thinking, l did all my hiking for the week.

l hiked to the liquor store, the cigarette warehouse....

-But, Dad, you said-- -l said l'd think about it.

lt's a holiday weekend. lt's important to be together.

Yeah, l guess you're right.

Well, l have something special up my sleeve.

Have you ever seen a rattlesnake swallow a football?

l don't think she has.

lt's fun. Come on.

-Come on. l'll show you. -Thank you, Uncle Bob.

You're gonna love it!

Why are we wasting time here?

l am on a 1 2-hour time release program.

-Throat, nose, then aches and pains. -l got it.

Real important stuff. Wait in the car.

l got police work to do.

One glazed and one with a jelly-filled nucleus.

Brain memory Iibrary.

You got any information on something called...

-... ''EI Morry Roho''? -Stand by.

l'll check, but we're really all about sports statistics here.

-Sir? -l'm here.

-What you got? -" La Muerte Roja" is Spanish.

-It means ''The Red Death. '' -The Red Death?

-ls that some taco sauce? -You have a nice day.

Yo, Drips!

You ever hear of The Red Death?

Look alive, boys. Dust at nine o'clock.

Eat hot nose juice, dust.

-We're here. You happy? -Hear that?

Quick! The dam is under attack!

Hey, chill, pill!

Snot guns are booger-coating some dust.

Now, get to work!

This is your big plan? A sore throat? A stuffy nose?

-People will think you're-- -A common cold.

Until l make my move, that's precisely what l want.

Yo, check it out. We got cops here!

Hey, look.

Be careful! That's a pollen pod. Frank is allergic to this stuff.

-l didn't know he had allergies. -Of course not.

Pills know nothing about what goes on in here.

ln the words of the immortal James Brown, get down!

James who?

-Hey, Frank. -Danny.

Nitwit!

You could've damaged the dam!

Relax, this baby was built to last. Solid cartilage.

You're an engineer now. l need to test the mucous viscosity.

Frank! Why are you leaving so early?

lt's all shoveled. Hippo's asleep. l'm taking Shane to Docky's.

-Did you think of something? -Yeah, l did great.

l guarantee you there ain't nothing wrong with this dam.

So you want me to take care of them?

No. Hit all the pressure valves. They're about to blow the scene.

What in the name of sweet bleeding Frank?!

The membrane is cracking, you--

-You missed a spot! -Come on, fellas. Go!

-Let's get out of here! -Stop!

lmmunity!

What the Frank?

Wait a minute!

Nose hairs!

Watch out!

Look out!

We're going to die!

l'm standing here. Can you use a tissue?

-l don't have one. -Use your imagination.

What's that there?

-Better? -Much better.

-Better? -Much better.

l gotta go get her. She'll be excited and probably call you.

lf not for you, none of this would have ever happened.

lf you'll excuse me, l...

...have a nose to dry.

This is Nerve Network News. NNN.

ln an act of selfless bravery, a cold tablet stopped a runny nose.

The heroic tabIet wiII be honored this afternoon.

Trudy?

ln lighter news, there was pandemonium in the stomach today...

...as animaI crackers arrived.

They are adorable, aren't they?

Now, we go live to Cerebellum Hall for an address from Mayor Phlegmming.

Okay, Mayor.

ln five, four, three....

Good evening, citizens of Frank. ln the past few weeks...

...my opponent has used fancy words to try to confuse the issues.

Words like " exercise," "low-fat," and " diet."

Words designed to scare us into changing what has worked for years.

Well, l say let's stay the course.

Remember, a fat Frank is a happy Frank.

That's not what l wrote.

l propose something that every organism in this city will enjoy.

l give you...

...a dream vacation to the annual chicken wing festival...

...in Buffalo, New York.

Final plans have been made and nothing is going to stand in our way.

And we're out.

-That wasn't the speech we agreed on. -Where's the twerp in the wheelchair?

Hello, Johnny. How you doing?

Congratulations. Excellent work in the nose. Let's get some pictures.

The caption should read, "Mayor and Pill Stop Cold...Cold."

Mr. Mayor? Excuse me, sir, but we have a problem.

Now what, Jones?

Whatever was in the sinuses is a lot more than a cold.

Don't listen to Jones. His diagnostic skills are remedial at best!

You iced a key witness to a viral attack!

lt was an accident!

The kind a time-release dipstick would have.

l am sick of you! That's it, l can't work with him!

l can't work with you!

Officers, please.

-Jones, what's this virus? -The virus that torched the throat.

lt caused those snot crests l was surfing!

They were caused by the sneeze, which you caused.

Then why was that viral-looking mother fleeing?

We should put the city on full alert.

-Liquids, bed rest. Just to be safe. -We'll do no such thing.

l won't listen to the white blood cell with the worst record in Frank.

leep those opinions in that mushy head...

...or you'll find yourself in our next nosebleed. Understood?

Son, l apologize for all this.

Now, why don't we find you another...

...more capable officer to work with.

Sir, if it's all the same to you...

...l think l'll stay with Jones.

Suit yourself.

You didn't have to do that. l don't need your sympathy.

lt's not sympathy.

l'm here to make Frank feel better. lf this alleged virus...

...impedes my mission, l must pursue it.

Yeah, whatever.

What did the mayor mean by " record" ?

You did something terrible, didn't you?

Sometimes being too careful is all it takes.

How so?

l was cruising the digestive tract, just minding my own business.

Outside was Shane's science fair. Everyone was excited.

The winner wouId get their picture in the IocaI paper.

-Think they'll like my volcano? -All the parents are going home sad.

Their kids' projects are cardboard and glitter paint and science.

Shane, yours is art.

-Wow, what a great tepee. -Tepee?

Mrs. Delirious, come on.

l'll check the competition. Try and learn them something about volcanos.

Partner, what you got there?

These are polluted oysters. Well, they were polluted.

l replanted them six months ago. That's how long the state says.

Every time the tide came in, they'd flush...

...all the bad stuff out.

Can you eat them?

Well, if my hypotenuse is correct, sure.

Yeah, definitely.

You got yourself a sale.

You should check your math on that one.

I was in the kidneys whiIe a 6-31 was in progress.

That's incoming sheIIfish. I went to the stomach, to be safe.

UnscheduIed sheIIfish now arriving at gate six.

And you must be Shane's dad.

Guilty as charged. Frank Detorre.

Pleasure to meet you. l am Mrs. Boyd.

l am Shane's science and PE teacher.

l am just absolutely crazy about your daughter.

She is a doll.

lf you mean that, l'll keep her.

Oh, my God.

That is so funny!

Oh, my God, l got the giggles.

She's a sweetie-pie.

She wants to go to the city and help people someday.

No kidding. You mean like a concierge?

No, like, poor people.

Yeah, she told me that.

Frank, it's so wonderful to see...

...Shane participating in the science fair.

Since her mother passed away, she's had a really hard time...

...being part of the group activities.

She's going to be okay.

And then I saw him.

He was on the clammiest oyster l'd ever seen.

Mr. Detorre?

Are you okay?

Those oysters.

The oysters? Oh, yeah, that's Zach's project.

He's a little slow.

The doctor says he has a brain the size of a tangerine.

We gave him this project to push him along.

He just started it this morning, which is funny.

We'll give him an 'A' anyway.

We'll give him an 'A' anyway.

Mr. Detorre?

There was no time for questions. I did what I had to do.

Look at that guy!

You can guess which photo made it to the paper the next day.

Overnight, Frank became the town Iaughingstock.

The photo ran in every daiIy across the country.

He got fired from his job at the pea soup factory.

Lucky for us, Bob hooked up Frank with a job at the zoo.

It was a 90% cut in pay, but it was the best we couId do.

NeedIess to say, none of this heIped Shane.

And as for me, l got suspended for unnecessary force.

Since then, every day l wonder:

"Did l do the right thing?"

From the description, it sounds like you were justified.

Excuse me?

Oysters are filled with dangerous bacteria.

l've been trying to tell everybody!

-I never thought you'd be on my side. -I never thought you'd be right.

Sir, we have a strict no-shoes-no-service policy.

You have to leave.

ls that how you treat the handicapped?

Handicap?

l have a chronic ingrown-toe condition.

Doctors say that soon l won't be able to wear...

-...even the roomiest of footwear. -l'll bring your menus.

Bring some clam strips and some steamers...

...when you come, please?

What's the big surprise?

l know you wanted to go on a trip this weekend, so....

Buffalo?

Buffalo, New York.

The buffalo wing festival this weekend.

Great. So, what's the big surprise?

We got tickets! l called a scalper!

Look.

Ninety-nine kinds of wings.

One hundred and twenty-eight different dipping sauces.

You love math. Crunch the numbers on that.

The possibilities are infinite.

Look! Here you are.

Ms. Chicken Wing Festival.

See this?

He's the champion. But he won't be for long.

Because l'm coming. l'm coming to get you, baby. Fun?

Yeah, that's really cool, Dad.

See, l told you she'd be excited.

Now, tidy up, will you?

Okay, Frank. This is your conscience speaking. Now listen carefully.

This hiking trip means a Iot to her. Make it work.

Use that charm.

What's wrong now?

Oh, jeez. Oh, it's this damn toe.

Do me a favor, huh?

Don't you get old.

Listen to the toe. Don't you get old.

Boss, your plan worked.

That's right. l got this city exactly where l want it.

-What about the cop and the pill? -lf they give us a problem:

Fire!

Get it down! Money on the wood make the game go good.

Five bucks says size don't matter.

Let's do this thing now.

-Chicken-pock fights. -Get back!

Yeah, get him!

That's my baby! Try the headlock!

-See that dude? -A virus! We should arrest him!

No, that used to be a virus, now he's on our side.

-That's Chill. He's a flu shot. -He doesn't look fluish.

Just stay here and watch the maestro work.

Yo, Chill! Chill!

Pock fights are against the law.

Where you all going?

Thanks a lot, junior. You just cost me twenty.

Money won't be your problem if you don't tell me about the sinuses.

l was injected into this body to rat on influenza only.

And this don't sound like influenza to me. Now beat it.

l bet Johnny Streptococcus and the Melanoma family will be interested...

...to hear about your work.

You can't jack me on that, brother! l'm in the virus protection program.

You, virus. Children's strength ought to take care of you.

You done done it now, Chill. He's a psycho cop.

lt's too late to spill it.

Just off the Thorazine. He's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

He's going El Pollo Loco on your crazy behind.

l just can't look.

All right!

The guy's big time. He goes by the name of Thrax.

Go to that new place. The Zit, on the head.

You can't miss it. lt's huge. They're meeting tonight.

l'm out.

But you didn't hear that from me. You didn't hear that from me.

Next time, l'll be the bad cop.

You are a bad cop.

Who you calling a bad cop?

My, what big zits he has. How does this happen?

You wash your face with fried chicken.

Wait. Where do you think you're going?

-To get our cootie. -Like that?

-They'll tear you up. Get spiffy. -Spiffy?

Peep this. Check it out.

Pliable cellular dynamics. What an ingenious defense mechanism.

Ooh, let me try.

What do you think?

You should guard the car.

This is my mission too. l am going in with you.

All right. But we gotta get you something to wear.

You sure this is working?

Trust me, it's perfect.

Perfect.

We got company. Be cool.

Now, try to relax. Fit in. Shake a tail cell or something.

l don't dance. l have no left feet.

You don't dance?

Don't tell me you ain't never gotten jiggy with it.

l don't believe l have.

Come on, baby, give me a little bit of this.

Oh, all right.

-Here you go. -That's it, baby.

-Get down. -Don't let it settle at the bottom.

Oh, mama. Yo!

You stay and practice. Boy, you need it.

lf l'm not back in five, you come looking, okay?

Barkeep, what you got?

-You got a problem with that? -No. lt's just the way l like it:

Extra disgusting.

Three teams will move through the cranial artery...

...and one through the nasal passages.

We are going to the brain, baby. And we are stealing one of these.

This sucker comes from a place called the hypothalamus gland.

Hypothalamus. Hypothalamus.

Controls the temperature for the body.

We are going to march in and take the prize.

Frank's gonna heat up like a sidewalk on a summer day.

Go away.

l need to talk to you.

What a zit!

What is it? What do you want?

l want you to help me.

Should l call the cops?

Or maybe Shane should know about the 200-yard restraining order.

Please. She's been humiliated enough already.

Humiliated.

You turned me into a walking air-sickness bag.

My family was humiliated. You understand?

Do you have any idea of the teasing...

...that my sons, Ralph and Chuck, had to endure?

l know your daughter Hurly had to transfer.

Her name is Shirley.

That is much prettier.

-Tom Brokaw called her Hurly. -What?

But it was a cute picture.

We gotta get this water underneath our bridge, for Shane's sake.

l would never hold anything against one of my students.

Get back to work!

-Be prepared. lt's going down tonight. -Tonight?

Me and Madcow are going to Wrestlemania.

See this?

This DNA bead comes from a girl in Riverside, California.

Didn't like to wash her hands. Took me three whole weeks.

And this one. Nice lady in Detroit, Motown.

Six days flat.

Then there's this old guy in Philly.

l killed him in seventy-two hours.

l'm getting better as l go, but the problem is l never set a record.

Until my man Frank, that is.

l'll take him down in 48 hours. Get my chapter in the medical books.

Excuse me. Excuse me. l got one more question here.

Could a white blood cell do anything to stop this evil plan?

You know, hypothetically speaking, that is.

-And, who are you? -Who am l? Who am l?

A bad, booty-shaking pickinosis. Yeah. That's who l am.

-Never heard of you. -You just got here.

But ask any of them, when it comes to illing...

...bad, booty-shaking pickinosis stands above the rest.

Oh, that hurts.

That ain't no germ.

That's a cop.

Well, what do we have here? An officer of Frank's finest.

Somebody lay down a towel. This is going to be messy.

Attention, germs. You are surrounded.

Surrounded.

Yo, Hammer. You can stop dancing.

What kept you?

Es eI muerte rojo!

No me mates! Get out of here!

Please lift the restraining order...

...so l can do this father-daughter trip.

The answer is no.

Please.

Think about it overnight.

lt would make a little girl very happy.

Only for use against the most stubborn cold symptoms.

-Childproof caps. -Get him!

Why you hit so hard?

Drix, l could use a little help here.

Give me that.

Oh, no. Not again.

You have something white on your lips.

Other side.

Get out!

Out!

The answer is no! Absolutely not!

Thanks. You saved my cytoplasm in there.

Mr. Thrax has left the building.

Let's call for a scab and get to the precinct.

Jones! In my office.

Hey, hey, who died? Other than Thrax, that is. Brandy!

-l mean, Leah. Why are you here? -You really did it now.

-l didn't see you back there. -Disregarding orders, destruction...

...popping a pimple without a permit! What were you doing there?

-Promoting good health, sir. -ls that what you call it?

He was lethal. lf we hadn't stopped him--

-We'd be frying eggs off of Frank! -Watch it, you'll cause a panic.

People would think about what's going on in this body...

...not the stupid trip!

Okay, you want us to start thinking? Well, here's a thought:

You're fired.

-Mr. Mayor-- -Your badge, mister.

Figures. l finally do something right for Frank, and l get fired.

Without him, Frank could've been in mortal danger.

Mortal danger? You'd love to prove that, wouldn't you, Mr. Drixenol?

Get your name in the New EngIand JournaI of Medicine.

Son, read what it says on your arm.

"For the temporary relief of symptoms--"

Exactly. Temporary.

You're a wannabe. A placebo.

A generic brand. An over-the-counter Tic-Tac.

Now, get out of my body!

Continuing symptoms, whiIe annoying...

... wiII not deraiI pIans for the trip to the annuaI...

...chicken wing festivaI.

-What's so funny? -l don't know.

They're making this too easy.

You know, no one has ever gotten wise to me...

...and now for the first time...

...an immunity cell has figured out everything...

...and they don't believe him.

Can you taste the irony in that?

Shut up! What are you two laughing at?

We're back on schedule.

But boss, we're the only ones left.

Maybe we should incubate for a while?

You incubate.

l'm going to make my deadline.

Medical books aren't written about losers.

l'm not going.

-You're not going where, hon? -To Buffalo. l'm not going.

Honey, we're all packed. Buffalo's going to be a blast.

l'm going camping with my friends.

You're welcome to join us.

Well, l don't think....

l'd really like you to come.

You don't want me huffing and puffing after you.

You want to go, okay.

Uncle Bob will go with me to Buffalo.

l'm tired of this. lt's not fair.

l go where you want. l eat what you want.

Don't you ever think about anyone else?

l think about you.

Like when you packed me a fried Slim Jim sandwich?

Yeah. lt was a turkey Slim Jim.

You know, Dad....

Maybe if you and Mom listened to me a little more...

...and took care of yourselves...

...maybe she'd still be here.

lnock off that hamburger talk. Come here, honey.

Your mom died...

...because she got sick.

And how do you think you get sick?

Germs.

lt's the way you eat.

Who's that?

You know my great-great-grandpappy fought the measles?

There's been a Jones on the force since we came on the umbilical cord.

Until now, that is.

All right, ladies. Wrap it up now.

Well, l.... l guess l should get going.

Wouldn't want Frank to build immunity to me.

Maybe next time he takes Drixenol it'll do him some good.

-Goodbye, Drips. -That's Drix.

Whatever.

People, let's get started.

l don't need to remind anyone that today's our trip to Buffalo.

Frank will be up in 20 minutes. l don't want him losing an eyelash...

...or stubbing his toe.

Free screening?

We're broadcasting live dreams from the brain's subconscious.

You get back to work right now.

That's right, big boy. You keep on dreaming.

At least you got your health.

Ninety-eight point six.

Ninety-eight point six.

-Ninety-eight point six. -Perfect.

You can't come in here!

Baby...

...you are looking fine today.

Don't forget the cushion we take to football games.

Don't want the voters in the hemorrhoids complaining.

Something's wrong with the weather.

-We're probably drinking coffee. -Look at the map.

-What if Jones is right? -Jones?

Funny. Funny.

You care more about your reelection...

...than our lives.

l'm going to the hypothalamus to check it out.

Hypo-who-what is this?

Leah, wait! Who will answer the phones?

Be advised. We have a break-in.

Sarge?

Nothing down there but bad dreams.

Frankie.

Wait.

Maybe Shane wouId Iike to know about the 200-yard restraining order.

Maybe if you and Mom Iistened to me a IittIe more...

...and took care of yourseIves...

-...maybe she'd stiII be here. -You're fired. Get out of here!

-Get out! -No, l can't.

-Get back to work. -What the-- Huh?

What the heck was that?

Francis Detorre, you stand up right now!

Thrax is alive and he's in the brain!

Oh, great, pal. Spoil the ending.

-What's your temperature? -98.6.

-ls this broken again? -Drix!

You get those skid marks out of my cIass! Out the door!

This cat was sick before l even got here.

Now boarding: the 937, with nonstop service...

-...to the toiIet bowI. -Tickets, please.

leep it moving.

-Thank you. -Drix!

-Yo, Drix! -Jones?

Get your butt off this boat!

-Thrax is alive. Let's go. -l'm sorry, Osmosis. l can't help you.

Excuse me?

l can't combat a virus. Read my label.

Learn to think outside the pillbox.

leep it moving.

l know sugar pills who cured cancer, because they believed.

Oh, l don't know, Ozzy. Look at me.

l'm cherry-flavored.

Hey, pal, are you on or off?

Fine. Flush your life down the toilet.

The zipper's down. All ashore that's going ashore.

-You know a pill who cured cancer? -No.

lt makes for a good pep talk.

Let's go catch a coId.

How about a hug for your Uncle Bob?

Okay. Nice talking to you too.

Hey, muscles.

-You don't look so good. -l feel a little fluey.

You know what they say, "Starve a cold, drown the flu."

Your body needs fluids. And lots of them.

ls beer fluid?

Of course.

-What about all that wet stuff in it? -l thought that was the beer.

No, finish that up. Come on, we want to get better.

There we go. That's it. That's my good washboard-tummy guy.

This is it. Men, go, go, go.

Hi, baby.

Why are you waiting? Shoot him!

lf you follow me, she dies.

Don't shoot.

-This ain't time to get carsick. -l'm okay, l'm 1 /8 Dramamine!

lt's just this darn heat!

As long as it don't hit 108 degrees, or Shane's an orphan.

Shane, look what l bought for you. They're false eyelashes.

Whatever.

Just close your eye.

You look good with falsies.

What the--?

Let me go!

Oh, don't worry. Shane wiII be fine.

l want to her to be at ease and not worry.

Listen...

...why don't you sit her down and tell her...

...that if anything happens to you, l will take care of her. Okay?

l will nurture her, l will love her...

...and when she's 1 6, l'll boot her out.

Sixteen?

l'm not gonna mommy her forever, okay? l mean, sixteen, sure.

Frank? Are you aII right?

We've a hostage situation invoIving the mayor's aide.

Leah, girl, what were you thinking?

Now, we go live...

...to a chase in the superior vena cava expressway.

Reports of a hostage are confirmed.

Look out!

Suspect is headed towards the uvuIa.

What the heck is a " uvala" ?

-lt's that dangly thing in Frank's-- -Boxer shorts! Okay!

Not that thing!

The one in his throat!

l knew that. l knew that.

Are you with me?

Frank, are you with me? Are you okay?

l feel fine. Say it!

Frank. Hold on, here.

You're going to the hospitaI. The trip is off.

-PuII it over, big guy. -The trip is off? No!

Shane, isn't that your dad?

Oh, my God.

Stop the bus!

Dad! Uncle Bob!

Shane, you're here?

-l'm her niece! -What happened?

Your daddy's had an accident.

-ls he okay? -He's going to be fine.

l hope he's going to be okay. Come on.

Let me go! Watch the hands, buddy!

-Hold up. -Put me down!

-Critical one here! -Coming through.

-What's the story on this one? -l don't know. He's burning up.

Let's move on my mark. One, two, lift!

-What is that nasty smell? -Cherry. Wild cherry.

Now let her go.

Why? So you can ice me again?

No! So l can!

Virus con Dios.

Jones! Ooh, thank Frank.

Temperature?

-lt's at 106.2. -Put him in ice!

We gotta cool him down!

-We need some ice in here! -Right, l'll get it.

Daddy?

Maggie.

No, Dad. lt's me, Shane.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

l ain't got time for this.

This is Frank PD. We have you surrounded.

Surrender.

-Give it up. You're busted. -Hand over the bracelet.

You're making this too easy.

-Pollen? -Check this out.

Oh, no!

Mother of Frank!

Enjoy the funeral, boys!

-We're dead. -How's your aim?

A lot better than yours!

What are you doing?

Saving Frank.

Let's do it.

You want Osmosis?

You've got Osmosis.

You just don't know when to quit, do you, Jones?

You know what, Jones? You want this chain so bad...

...Big Daddy Thrax is gonna let you have it.

Looks good on you, Jones.

You wear it well.

lt's a shame you came this far just to die.

Who's the Germinator now?

lt's a falsie.

Can you feel the heat, Jones?

Too bad you won't be here to see me break my record...

...when l take down Frank's pretty little girl.

She ain't going down.

-You are. -What?

No!

We're losing him. Breathe!

-Come on, man. -Daddy! No! l don't want to lose you!

-Take her out. -Come on, honey.

-No, that's my dad! -The doctor's doing everything he can.

Hey! Wait!

Frank!

Frank!

Things are grim as temperatures rise dangerousIy.

We've Iost contact with the extremities.

NNN wiII stay on the air as Iong as possibIe.

When we return, househoId appIiances that can improve your goIf swing.

You siIIy twit, don't you get it?! We are going to die!

I knew it. At the first dark cIoud, you faII apart.

-Moron! -Phony!

Gentlemen, playing with you has been the greatest pleasure of my life.

He's not coming back. He's not gonna make it.

Come on, sweetheart. He'll be....

That's it.

-Wait, hey. -Daddy!

l'm so sorry. l didn't mean to say that.

l don't blame you for Mom's death. l didn't mean it.

You're the greatest dad in the world.

Look!

Get that thing to the hypothalamus now!

Okay, l'm calling it.

l'm sorry. sweetie. Come on. l know.

Wait a minute! He's got a pulse!

He's coming back.

One-oh-seven-point-seven.

One-oh-seven-point-six.

Your mama says, " Hi."

As temperatures stabiIize, a gratefuI city saIutes Osmosis Jones.

The officer who saved us.

Jones has been reinstated to the force with fuII priviIeges.

Ozzy, can l count on you to keep Frank in shape?

We got that insurance exam next month.

You're going to have to talk to my new partner.

-lf he feels like hanging around. -But my visa's expired.

We'll go to the hemorrhoid and get you a good lawyer.

Come here, baby. l'm still Jonesing for a little more Osmosis.

Oh, my God. Look how beautiful.

l told you it'd be worth it.

Didn't think l'd break a sweat coming up here. But l did.

Yeah, it was kind of a long drive.

Carrot?

l wonder what this does.

-Dad. -Was that you?

What the heck. Out with the old, in with the new.

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